The Road Trip from Heck
by cihojuda
Summary: What happens when you put the Saturdays in a minivan and send them on a cross-country road trip? Chaos. Mass chaos, that's what happens. -OC present. Marked as complete, but isn't finished.-
1. Doc Smushes a Fox

**THE ROAD TRIP FROM HECK**

A COMEDY FIC

by cihojuda

Drew: *unfolds map* OK, let's see. We just passed... where now?

Doc:*swats map* Drew, I can't see the road.

Bex: Dad, I think Fisk is carsick. Slow down!

Doc: This is hard enough without any backseat driving. *swerves* Just tell him to focus on the back of your seat.

Zak: BRAKE!

Doc:*screeches to a stop*

Drew: What is it, honey?

Zak: You almost hit a fox.

Doc: A_ fox. _You made me stop for a fox?*stares out windshield* I don't even see it!

Bex: I do. *points out back* That it?

Zak: Yep.

Fisk: OK. Gonna hurl... *gets out and barfs*

Zak and Bex: Ugh! Nasty!

Drew: You OK, Fiskerton?

Fisk:*thumbs up*

Doc: Can we _go now?_


	2. Problem, Officer?

Komodo: Fiskerton's touching me.

Zak: Fisk, stay on your own side.

Fisk: Where's my side?

Zak:*unbuckles, goes into back seat, puts blanket down between Fisk and Komodo* Your side. His side. *points to blanket* Death Zone.

Fisk:Who owns the Death Zone?

Drew: Me. *grabs seat* Doc SLOW DOWN!

Doc: Move the map! I missed the last speed limit sign.

Bex: *pulls head in from out window* OmigoshDadpullover COP!

Doc: Oh, perfect. *pulls over*

Drew: I'll handle this. *gets out*

Cop: Ma'am, the speed limit is sixty-five here. You're going eighty.

Zak: What did I tell you?

Doc: Quiet, son.

Drew: I'm sorry, Officer. My husband doesn't know what he's doing. He just got his permit.

Cop: *looks in window*

Doc: *smiles and waves*

Cop: Uh huh. Right. *writes a ticket, pulls it off and sticks it on Drew's forehead*

Drew: *crosses her eyes and blows at ticket*

Cop: Don't let it happen again. *gets in cruiser and drives off*

Drew: *pulls off ticket and reads* Fifty dollars? Nice driving, Doc!

Doc: Who had the map all over the windshield?

Drew:Oh, you think YOU can navigate better? Well, let's see then, Leadfoot- CHINESE FIRE DRILL! *takes driver's seat*

Doc: *takes passenger's seat* OK. We are here. *points at map* Where do we want to be?

Bex: Ooh! Ooh! Let's go to the Smithsonian!

Fisk World's largest ball of twine!

Zak: World War Two Museum!

Komodo: National Aquarium!

Drew: Spy Museum.

Doc: *frowns* Aw... I wanted to go to the Science Center.

Zak: Dad. You've built stuff _way _more advanced than those guys ever could.

Bex: Yeah, and you're less nerdy. Half those scientists wear polka-dot bow ties and the sneakers with the Velcro.

Doc: OK. How about an amusement park then?

All: Busch Gardens.

Doc: Busch Gardens it is.

Fisk: Step on it!


	3. Donuts

Zak: Can we stop soon?

Drew: What's the matter? Are YOU carsick?

Zak: No.

Bex: He needs a rest stop.

Drew: Oh. OK. *pulls in to a gas station* Everybody out.

Zak: *runs inside*

Drew: Anyone else have to go?

Fisk: Can we get snacks?

Doc: I'LL get snacks. Remember what happened last time we stopped?

Fisk: *snickers* You should've seen the look on the poodle lady's face when Komodo went after her dog.

Bex: *laughs* Funny...

Doc and Drew: *frown*

Bex: I mean, completely wrong, Fiskerton. Totally worth three weeks of no TV.

Fisk: *rolls eyes* Right, _Mom._

Zak: *comes back* We can leave now.

Fisk: Dad said he'd get snacks.

Doc: Fine. What do you want?

Zak: They have a vending machine that sells candy.

Fisk: Oh! Oh! Get gummybears!

Drew: No, Fisk. You know gummybears get you all sugared up.

Zak: I didn't see any, anyway.

Doc: I'll get a box of donuts. Everybody happy?

Bex: Get the chocolate kind.

Doc: OK! OK! Chocolate donuts.

Drew: We'll wait in the car.

~Five Minutes Later~

Zak and Bex: Mom, Fisk and Komodo are hogging the donuts.

Drew: Doc? I'm driving. You handle this.

Doc: Don't make me come back there...

Fisk: Zak did it first.

Doc: I don't care WHO started it. Finish it or I'll finish it for you.

Fisk: *sighs and hands Zak the donuts*

Komodo: He's wiping his fingers in the Death Zone!

Fisk: Tattletale!

Doc: One of you two give Fisk a napkin. *lowers voice* Next time we eat at the rest stop.

Drew: Well excuse me for wanting to get to Busch Gardens faster! This is a cross-country drive, Doc. Get used to it.

Fisk: The napkin's sticking to my fingers.

Zak: Why did you think glazed donuts were a good idea again?

Doc: I don't-

Bex: EW! Get your sticky fingers out of my hair!

Komodo: I'm thirsty!

Fisk:Get my fingers out of your hair? Get your hair off my fingers!

Drew: *pulls over* OK! I have HAD IT! *twists around in seat* Zak, Fisk, switch seats. Fisk, lick your fingers off. Everybody at least try to hold it together until we find a hotel. *turns back around*

Doc: Nice.

Drew: Thank you.

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The author needs help, people! Help me write this fic. If you've got any ideas, I NEED THEM!

THX.


	4. Roach Motel

Drew: *opens door and sticks head in* Hurry up and get inside. Don't let anybody see you.

Zak: This place is a dump!

Drew: But it's the only one I could find that allows pets. Now get moving before we have another "Poodle Lady" incident.

Fisk: *gets out of car and runs* Banzai!!!

Doc: *holds open door* Let's go, Komodo.

Bex: He's stuck in his belt. I'll get it- No! Komodo bad dragon! Don't EAT it... This is a RENTAL CAR!

Doc: This is going to be a long night.

Drew: *shakes head*

Bex: *halfway in car, halfway out* BAD BOY! Get- OW! Zak for Pete's sake HELP ME!

Zak: *runs out of room screaming* There's something in the bathtub!

Drew: Something like what?

Random Guy: Like a HOBO! *runs off yelling*

Drew: Doc... Check the rest of the room... If I see one more hobo... I sleep in the car.

Doc: *looks in* Don't see anyone else. I do see lots of roaches, though.

Komodo: All _right!_ *runs in and starts chasing roaches*

Everybody Else: Sleeping in the car.

~The Next Morning~

Random Guy: *knocks on window*

Zak: Augh! The hobo's back!

Doc: Drew, get us out of here.

Bex: We forgot Komodo!

Komodo: I'm fine! *noms hobo's leg* Ugh. He tastes like street.

Random Guy: Ow. *walks off*

Bex: *hauls Komodo in* Step on it, Mom!

Drew: *speeds away*


	5. Beepy

A/N: People! The author! She needs help!

Please send ideas. I've gotten up to chapter 8, but after that, I need help!

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This has been a public service announcement. Now back to the show. :)

Fisk: *sniffs* Is it just me or does anybody else smell that?

Doc: What did you do?

Fisk: Nothing!

Drew: *sniff* That's skunk, darling. Fiskerton smells skunk.

Doc: *says bad word but Drew beeps the horn to cover it up* Sorry, Fisk. I'm just so [beep] annoyed with this whole [beep] trip so far. Let's hope Busch Gardens is worth it.

Drew: *beeps again*

Zak: Mom.

Drew: Sorry. *beeps* This is fun!

Doc: How about some music? *turns on radio*

Radio: *coughs sparks and dies*

Bex: Oh nice going Dad.

Fisk: Never mind. We can make out own music. Who wants to sing the Campfire-Song Song?

Everybody Else: NO.

Komodo: I need a rest stop!

Drew: Komodo, we just got on the road.

Komodo: Do you WANT me to pee in the car?

Doc: Drew, pull over.

Drew: *pulls over* Make it quick.

Komodo: OK. *runs off*

Drew: *bangs head on steering wheel( the horn beeps when she does this)* [Beep] [Beep] [Beep]

Zak: *coughs* Ugh, do you _smell that?_

Bex: The skunk followed us!

Fisk: *points after Komodo* It's coming fr-

Doc: We get it.

Komodo: *comes back* Ready! We can-

Random Guy: *runs out of trees, screaming and foaming at mouth* Blaeghthermbleah! ROAR!

Zak and Bex: HOBO AT TWELVE O'CLOCK!

Doc: Run, Komodo.

Komodo: *jumps in*

Drew: *speeds off*

Random Guy: *follows*

Bex: AA! FasterMomfaster!

Fisk: Getting carsick again...

Doc: Just hold on, Fiskerton. DREW! HARD LEFT!

Drew: *swerves left* Doc. Not. Helping. Shut. Up.

Zak: The hobo's gaining!

Drew: *hands Dos cortex disrupter* Ready for target practice?

Doc: Oh yeah. *leans out window, takes down hobo* CRAP CRAP CRAP... *comes back in* It's the cop!

Bex: Your turn for a ticket.

Fisk: Can I drive next? Can I Mom, can I huh huh _please?_

Drew: No. Absolutely not.

Komodo: I'll bite the cop!

Drew: Hang on! *ramps car on two wheels into alley*

Doc: And I'M the bad driver?

Fisk: Urp. Carsick for real this time...

Drew: *speeds up* C'mon, c'mon! *car shoots out of alley gong the wrong way down a one way street*

All: WOO! In your face, cop!

Cop: *on loudspeaker* Pull over.

Drew: *stops* Argh! [Beep] [Beep] [Beep]


	6. Skeeters

Fisk: Zak, what flies, has six legs and sucks blood?

Zak: A mosquito. Why?

Fisk: You've got one on you.

Zak: YAH! *swats*

Bex: Don't worry, big brother, I got it. *hits Zak on shoulder*

Zak: Now you've got one. *smacks Bex's arm*

Drew: Kids, stop hitting each other.

Doc: It's these dang blasted mosquitos! *swats his arm* Do I LOOK like a bug buffet?

Bex, Zak and Fisk: Y-

Doc: Don't answer that.

Fisk: Mom, do we HAVE to camp here tonight? Mosquito bites ITCH! *scratches ear* Oooooooo...

Drew: Well, maybe YOU would like to get back in our cramped minivan and drive sixty miles to the next rat-infested motel with a bottomless pit of a Komodo dragon, two whiny twelve-year-olds and a super-genius who can't keep his mouth shut. I don't, thank you very much. And I'd rather not take any chances on any more hobos. We. Sleep. HERE. Get it?

Everybody Else: Got it.

Drew: Good. Now get some sleep. Tomorrow we cross the halfway line!

~One Very Bitey Night Later~

Drew: Rise and shine, troops!

Zak: *crawls out of tent* Rise and whine, more like.

Bex: *swats face* Stupid mosquitos. I feel like a human roach motel.

Fisk: They check in, but they don't check out. *itches*

Zak: Ugh. *pulls off mosquito mouth*


	7. Bug Bites

Bex: Mom... Zak's bleeding on me.

Drew: We're all bleeding, honey. Just wait until we can stop and patch up everybody's bug bites.

Fisk and Komodo: When's lunch?

Zak: Really. Lunch. You just spent the last five miles eating all the trail mix and you want _lunch?_

Fisk: Hey! _Komodo_ ate all the trail mix. I had the last granola bar. *licks wrapper*

Komodo: AW! I wanted some...

Drew: *stops car* Here's a gas station. Doc, you hand out first aid. I'll go in and get more snacks. *leaves*

Doc: OK. *opens back door* Zak, are you still bleeding

Zak: Yes. *holds out arm*

~One roll of bandage later~

Drew: *comes back* I'm back! We can- good grief Doc! What did you do?

Doc: Covered their bug bites.

Bex: I feel like a puppet.

Zak: I can't bend my elbows!

Fisk: My butt itches but I can't scratch it!

Komodo: I smell HAM! *crawls into Bex's lap and looks out door* WELL?

Drew: Doc, fix their arms.

Zak: Waitwait- I got it. *crack* Ow. Or not.

Doc: *pulls bandages off Zak and Bex* Well, that's five dollars down the toilet. And I suppose YOU have a better idea?

Drew: Ah, they'll be fine. Let's get going.

Doc: Fine. *gets in car*

Drew: *gets in driver's seat, closes door* Zak, give this to Komodo. *holds out can*

Zak: *put can in Death Zone*

Komodo: OMG! OMG! _Canned ham!_ *noms*

Drew: Fisk. *holds out candy bar*

Fisk: MINE! *grabs* Aw... It's the kind with the nuts. *nibbles halfheartedly*

Drew: Kids, this is yours. *holds out box of cookies*

Bex: Dibs! *grabs*

Zak: Noooo! Gimme some! *tries to grab box*

Bex: *nomming* NOOO! Mine! *slaps at Zak* Mine mine mine!

Doc: Share with your brother, Bex.

Bex: AW! Fine. *hands over*

Zak: Victory for Zak! *noms*


	8. Hoboken

**A/N: The road trip from heck is back on the road! Sorry it took me so long to update, I had to actually write it. Not as easy as it looks, folks.**

/

Drew: Where are we, Doc?

Doc: *pulls out map* Um... Oh crap.

Drew: What?

Doc: We're in Hoboken.

Zak: And?

Doc: First of all, we're hopelessly lost. Second... *looks out window and flinches* ...I think we just entered hobo territory.

Bex: Not good.

Drew: VERY not good.

Hobo: *stands in front of car*

Drew: YAH! *slams on brakes*

Hoboes: *mob car*

Hobo: *presses face on window*

Bex: AAAH! *falls out of seat onto Zak*

Zak: Get off!

Hobo: *breaks window and puts head in* BLEAGH!

Drew: Outoutout! Everybodyoutofthecar! *kicks open door and swats hoboes*

Doc: *punches hoboes* Get. Out. Of. My. Way.

Bex: AAA! Get it off me! Get it off me! *flails arms wildly*

Zak: *pulls squirrel out of Bex's hair by its tail, swings around his head and throws* Now they've got squirrels? What is with these guys?

Fisk: Don't care- just run! *runs away screaming*

Komodo: Less talking, more running for our lives! *follows Fisk*

Saturdays: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *run out of city*

Doc: That's one car the rental company won't be getting back.


	9. We're on COPS!

(WARNING: extreme overuse of exclamation points in this chapter. Don't be mean about it.)

Drew: *falls asleep driving*

Doc: Drew? DREW! *grabs wheel and swerves car* Wake up!

Drew: *sits up* Huh? What?

Doc: You fell asleep.*pulls over*

Drew: *yawn* Sorry. I'm just so _tired..._ Trying to escape hoboes is hard, we've been driving all night.

Doc: Chinese fire drill. *picks up Drew and puts her in the passenger's seat*

Canned Sound Effects: Awwww.

~The Next Morning~

Zak and Bex: YEAH! Go Dad!

Fisk: Show him who's boss!

Drew: *wakes up* Uh? What's going- *looks out window* DOC! What are you doing?

Doc: *punches cop* Nothing!

Cop: *gets up, pulls out radio* I need backup! *gets tackled by Doc* OOF! Get off me! I can arrest you, I have the authority! You were driving without a license!

Doc: *strangles cop slightly with his own tie*

Drew: Get off him, we'll just be in MORE trouble!

Fisk: If you get arrested, can we stay with Doyle?

Other cops: *swarm area*

Lead cop: Hands up!

Other cops: *arrest Doc and Drew*

Drew: Why are you arresting me? I didn't do anything wrong!

Head cop: Driving with no license is punishable by law, and you've been doing it since the California border. I'd say you did something wrong. *handcuffs Drew*

Drew: *mutters* Stupid license laws.

Bex: Oh my GOSH! Zak, look, cameras! We're on_ COPS_! My friends and I used to watch this all the time! *smiles and waves at camera* Hi guys!

Fisk: *blows kiss* Hello, America!

Zak: *facepalm*

Cop woman: Kids, fuzzy, lizard, get in the cruiser. *points to car*

Zak: But Mom and Dad are in that one. *points to other car*

Cop woman: Exactly.

~one episode of _COPS _later~

Drew: *grabs bars of cell* I cannot believe this. I just cannot believe this.

Doc: That we're spending the night in jail?

Drew: No. I can't believe _that. _*points*

Doyle: We'll be fine, Sis. You worry too much. *puts hands on Zak and Bex's shoulders*

Drew: I'm not worried about YOU.

Doyle: *sarcastically* Nice to see you too. *points Zak and Bex towards door* wait outside, guys. I'll be right there.

Zak, Bex and Fisk: Ok? *leave*

Zak: *comes back in* C'mon, Komodo. *grabs Komodo and drags him out*

Doc: what are you-

Doyle: *mad laughter* You should've seen your FACE! This is TOO GOOD, Professor. The great Doc Saturday, taken down by cops from Suburbia. Wait until the Secret Scientists hear THIS! *laughs harder* Ha ha ha...

Drew: *puts arm through bars of cell and claws at Doyle* Doyle Blackwell, so help me if ANYONE hears about this I will-

Cop woman: *ahem* Ma'am.

Drew: *pulls arm in* Just be careful with my babies, ok?

Doyle: *salutes*

Doc: I've got a bad feeling about this...

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A/N: A big thx to snowboardingchic25 for sending me the idea of Doc getting into a fight with a cop and going to jail. I'm not in desperate need of ideas anymore (actually, I'm planning a chapter where they somehow end up in Canada), but if you have any I'd like to hear them!

kthxbye!


	10. Stupid Sense

Doyle: *stares blankly at car*

Zak: You DO know how to drive, right?

Doyle: Yeah, van Rook taught me how. But he taught me to hotwire the car and drive in the other direction as fast as humanly possible.

Fisk: Lovely.

Bex: Good luck getting us to your place without the car. None of the rest of us can drive!

Doyle: *shrug* whatever. How hard can this be?

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Doc: My stupid senses are tingling.

Drew: *stares at Doc like he just grew another head* WHAT?

Doc: Stupid sense. It's this feeling I get when someone's about to do something-

Drew: Let me guess: stupid?

Doc: Exactly. Why did we leave the kids with Doyle again?

Drew: Oh I don't know, honey- maybe because of the fact that he's their ONLY LIVING RELATIVE! Really, Doc. I don't see you finding and _well-behaved_ long-lost siblings.

Doc: *snorts* Fat chance.

Cop woman: Then she's got a point.

Doc: What the...? You stay out of this!

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Bex: ME? How is it MY fault we took a wrong turn into New Jersey?

Zak: Mom was driving and you distracted her!

Fisk: Dad was navigating, it's his fault!

Komodo: If you hadn't insisted we find the nearest rest stop, we wouldn't have been on that road in the first place! It's your fault!

Bex: Zak's fault!

Zak: Your fault!

Komodo: Fiskerton's fault!

Fisk: Dad's fault!

Doyle: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! All of you just _shut up already!_ How old are you, five?

Fisk: *mutters* Who died and put him in charge?

Zak: *mutters* I don't know, maybe the fact that our parents are in_ jail _gives him the authority to tell us to shut up?

Doyle: I'm serious! Shut it back there or else!

Fisk: Or else what?

Doyle: ...I don't know, no more snacks or something. Just cut it out. You're giving me a headache.

All: *quiet*

~Five minutes later~

Bex: Uncle Doyle, Zak's hogging the seat. Can I sit in the front?

Doyle: No.

Fisk: Can I drive?

Doyle: NO.

Zak: How much farther now?

Doyle: We're almost there. *mutters* Thank goodness.

Bex: How much farther is "almost?"

Doyle: Almost is almost. I don't know exactly.

Komodo: I need a rest stop!

Doyle: Can it wait?

Komodo: NO.

Doyle: Fine. *pulls over*

Komodo: *gets out and runs off*

Fisk: Can _I _sit in the front seat?

Doyle: No.

Bex: Uncle Doyle, can we stop for burgers? I'm hungry.

Doyle: I said we were almost there, can you survive until we get to my apartment?

Zak: C'mon, please?

Fisk: If we're getting to pick where we eat, I wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese!

Bex: Ooh! Even better! I vote Fisk's idea!

Komodo: *comes back* What'd I miss?

Doyle: Nothing. Get in the car. *twists around in seat* And before anyone asks... *points at Bex* No, you can't sit in the front. *points at Fisk* You can't drive. *points at Zak* we're almost there. No, I don't know how much farther it is in actual miles, but we. Are almost. There. *points at Komodo* You, no more pit stops. And for crying out loud, _we can not go to Chuck E. Cheese! _

Kids: AWWWWW!

Zak: Why?

Doyle: _Because you're driving me INSANE!_

Fisk: *shrugs*

Zak: Works for me.

Bex: I'll buy that.

Doyle: Whoever talks next sleeps in the bathtub. Got it?

Kids: Got it.

Doyle: *turns back around and drives*

Zak, Fisk and Bex: *fist bump*

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Doc: There goes my stupid sense again.


	11. The Ghost of Who?

(WARNING: this chapter has a lot of time-jumps. I had to write it like that so I could it the whole plot-thread in one chapter.)

Doyle: *unlocks door and points inside* Welcome.

Fisk: Wow. You can actually_ see the floor._

Doyle: What's that supposed to mean?

Fisk: Nothing! *guilty smile*

Bex: *sticks head out door* Get a move on, guys.

Doyle and Fisk: *go in*

Zak: *flops on couch* Five hours. Can you believe we were stuck in traffic for FIVE HOURS?

Bex: YES. *flops in chair* Don't blame me if I fall asleep during dinner.

Doyle: It's not my fault. How was I supposed to know there was traffic?

Zak: You could've at least remembered that hamburger place was closed for renovations.

Doyle: Ok, ok. That was my fault. Happy?

Bex: Not really.

Fisk: Do you have any peanut butter?

~3 hours and 10 sandwiches later~

Komodo: *tries to pull his lips apart but his jaws are stuck together* Mph!

Zak: How much peanut butter was in those sandwiches?

Fisk: ...Not much...

Doyle: *gives Fisk the Hairy Eyeball*

Fisk: Ok, half the jar! But that's all.

Zak: *facepalm*

Bex: *tiredly* Mm. That's great... *falls on the floor, asleep* Zzzzzz...

Doyle: You should probably go to sleep too, Mini Man. Your mom won't like it if I bring you back tired.

Zak: Ok. Where do I sleep?

Fisk: *puts Bex on couch* Not here.

Doyle: Not in my room.

Zak: Why? I let you sleep in my room at home.

Doyle: Just because.

Zak: -.- Ok...

Fisk: You said one of us would have to sleep in the bathtub.

Doyle: Did I?

~Flashback~

Doyle: The next person to talk sleeps in the tub! Got it?

Kids: *nodnodnod*

(A/N: That isn't _exactly _what happened, but you get my idea.)

~Flashback over~

Doyle: Well, that was convenient. Zak gets the bathtub.

Zak: Ugh! Fine. *grabs sleeping bag and drags into bathroom*

Doyle: 'Night, Mini Man.

Fisk: *curls up in chair* Zzzz...

Komodo: *tries to unstick jaws* Mph! Mmmmmm! *flounders around on floor*

Doyle: *goes to bed*

~Later that night~

Zak: Zzzz... Huh? *wakes up* What's that noise?

Shower head: *turns on*

Zak: ACK! *splutters* What's wrong with this thing?

van Rook's ghost: I don't know. You tell me.

Zak: YAAAH! *passes out*

~The next morning~

Bex: Zak...Zak!

Doyle: Mini Man! Wake up!

Zak: Uh? *rubs eyes* What time is it?

Doyle: Ten in the morning.

Bex: What the heck were you doing? You're all wet and I heard you screaming last night.

Zak: I saw a ghost! It's van Rook- He's haunting your bathroom!

Doyle: *eyebrow raise* Uh huh. van Rook in my bathroom. Riiiiight.

Bex: He thinks he saw the Ghost of John.

All: *pause so reader can figure out joke*

Komodo: (in the background) *runs by, his mouth is still stuck*

Doyle: Hilarious. van Rook's ghost is in my shower. Cut it out, Zak.

Zak: I'm serious!

Bex: Yeah, and I'm Big Bird.

Zak: I'll remember that for when I prove you all wrong.

Fisk: (in the background) *gets tackled by Komodo* Ah!

Bex: *shrugs* Well, I don't know about you guys, but I want breakfast. *skips off* Have you seen the Ghost of John? Long white bones and the rest all gone...

Doyle: *gets up and walks off*

Zak: *sigh...*

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A/N: Thx to my sister for helping me with the idea for this chapter... Now I just have to figure out WHY ON EARTH VAN ROOK IS HAUNTING DOYLE'S SHOWER! Because the original draft I have doesn't say why and it's also kinda stupid. I'll figure it out. Soon, I hope.

R&R!

-the author


	12. The Haunted Bathroom

Zak: Bex! Wake up! *shakes Bex*

Bex: *pries open one eye* This had better be life-threateningly important.

Zak: C'mon. van Rook's back.

Bex: *sits up* If I prove you're insane, can I go back to sleep?

Zak: ...Ok, deal. Follow me. *grabs Bex's hand and drags her to the bathroom*

Bex: Sure, Crazy. Whatever you say. *yawns and rubs eyes*

Zak: *throws open door*

Bex: *raises eyebrow* A burned out lightbulb? Ooh, scary.

Zak: Watch this. *grabs pointy stick that's in the bathroom for some weird reason, pokes shower head with it*

Bex: OK. Now you have OFFICIALLY gone nuts.

van Rook: *comes out of shower head* Hey! What's it take to get some privacy around here? *sees Zak and Bex* What do you brats want?

Bex: AAAAAAAAAA! *hysterical screaming*

Doyle: *comes in* What's going on in here?

van Rook: (sarcastically) Real observant, this one. *jerks thumb at Doyle*

Doyle: van Rook?

van Rook: What, you were expecting a cookie? Too bad. I'm dead. I can't get you one.

Bex: (hysterically) Why the heck is a dead Russian haunting your bathroom? *turns to van Rook, crosses arms and raises eyebrow* Why ARE you haunting a bathroom?

van Rook: Because I want to. Got a problem with that?

Doyle: *steps in front of Bex* I've got a problem with it.

Fisk: Guys? The sun's rising.

van Rook: AAH! *flies back into shower head*

Doyle: *pushes Zak and Bex out of bathroom and locks door* Ok, nobody goes in there.

Zak: Get ready to wear the Big Bird suit, Sis.

Bex: *mutters something*


	13. Banana Insanity

Brace yourselves for a chapter that has no importance to the story whatsoever! (I blame repeatedly listening to Poker Face by Lady Gaga while writing. If you listen to it while reading this, it adds to the random fun!)

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~Later in the morning, when the sun's fully up and the cast is eating breakfast~

Bex: *sips from carton of milk (the kind in school cafeterias)* So what do we do about van Rook?

Doyle: I don't know.

Fisk: *shoves an entire peeled orange into his mouth and starts wrestling with Zak for the pitcher of juice*

Zak: *wrestles with Fisk, they fall out of their chairs and spill juice on the carpet*

Bex: *facepalm*

Doyle: *jumps out of chair and makes random hand gestures like parents on TV do when they're frustrated with their kids* Oh c'mon, guys! Seriously? *facepalm*

Zak and Fisk: *point at each other* HIS FAULT!

Komodo: FOOD FIGHT! *steals Doyle's toast*

Doyle: Hey! *grabs at Komodo and accidentally knocks Bex's milk into her lap*

Bex: THIS MEANS WAR, BLACKWELL! *pours a bottle of syrup down the back of Doyle's shirt*

Doyle: YAH! WHY YOU LITTLE... *dumps a glass of orange juice on Bex*

Bex: *jumps on Doyle's back and grabs him around the neck*

Doyle: ACK! *wrestles with Bex*

Fisk: *hits Zak with a strip of bacon*

Zak: *leaps out of chair* HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME! FOR I AM... BANANAMAN! *throws banana like boomerang* DEPLOY BANANARANG!

Doyle and Bex: *stop and stare at Zak*

Bex: Ummmmm... Zak?

Zak: Who is this Zak of whom you speak?

Fisk: YOU, Sherlock.

Zak: I am neither Sherlock nor this "Zak." I AM... BANANAMAN!

Doyle: We heard.

Zak: *climbs on counter and stands there pointing one finger in the air* I FIGHT FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE-

Bex: -And the idiot way.

Zak: You're just jealous 'cuz I gots MAD BANANA SKILLZ, YO! *points banana at Bex and Doyle*

Doyle: What "mad banana skillz?" Your stupid "Bananarang" never came back!

Zak: *throws another banana* See? It works. *the banana doesn't come back* CURSES! I AM FOILED!

Komodo: *goes up to banana and sniffs it*

Zak: MINE! *jumps off counter and grabs* IS MINE! NO TOUCHY! IS MY BANANARANG! *puts banana in his pants pocket, goes and grabs the other banana and puts it in his other pocket* NOW NONE OF YOU CAN GET THEM, FOR YOU WOULD ONLY USE THEM FOR _EEEVIL!_

Doyle: Kid, there is something seriously wrong with you. *puts Bex down*

Bex: Zak, are you drunk or something?

Zak: SUPERHEROES DON'T GET DRUNK! Besides, I'm underage.

Fisk: He's got a point.

Bex: *glares at Fisk*

Fisk: Sorry.

Doyle: Hey, "Bananaman."

Zak: (heroically) YES?

Doyle: *rolls eyes* (mutters) I know I'm gonna regret this. (raises voice) TO THE BANANA CAVE!

Zak: EXCELLENT! *runs off*

Doyle: *follows and locks door behind Zak, then comes and sits back down at the table*

Bex: You lock him in the bedroom?

Doyle: Yep.

Zak: HEY! How am I supposed to be superheroic locked in here?

Doyle: You'll think of something. *starts ignoring Zak* Who wants to watch TV? They're showing _Godzilla_ in half an hour, and the channel it's on is the only channel I get!

Bex and Fisk: Awesome! *follow Doyle into TV room*

Zak: *gasp* EVILDOER! PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOOOOOM! *attacks random thing in Doyle's room*

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OMG THIS CHAPTER IS SO RANDOM! I even made myself laugh! (Which I'm not so sure now is a good thing...) But wow, 13 chapters! That's the most out of all of my fics! And if you guys have ideas, like I said before, I'd love some! Maybe I'll use it for a chapter, like snowboardingchic25's "Doc goes to jail" idea.

Keep the random coming, people!

:)


	14. A Sticky Situation

Zak: Doyle? I'm really hungry… Can you let me out of here for just a little?

Doyle: *leans against door casually* That depends. You done being Bananaman?

Zak: *leans against other side of door* That depends. Can I have some food?

Bex: Oh, just let him out already.

Doyle: *unlocks door*

Zak: *falls out* Thanks. I think. *goes into kitchen*

Doyle: Keep him away from the bananas!

Bex: *yawns and flops on couch* Wasn't one of the Secret Scientists supposed to have bailed out Mom and Dad by now?

Doyle: I don't know. They only give you one phone call before they lock you in and I think they wasted it calling me.

Fisk: Now we might never get to Busch Gardens.

Zak: Uh, guys? I could use a hand in here. *explosion*

Doyle: *facepalm* What did he do now?

Bex: Five bucks says it involves the microwave.

Doyle, Bex and Fisk: *go into kitchen*

Bex: *snorts* Mph! Hahahaha!

Doyle: What the heck happened in here?

Zak: *stuck upside down to the wall* Honestly? I don't even know.

Microwave: *belches smoke cloud*

Doyle: What the HECK! You're going to wreck my whole apartment!

Fisk: Forget the apartment! We gotta peel him off the wall!

Bex: *giggles* Hold on- let me get the camera. *runs off and comes back with camera* Say 'cheese'!

Zak: (tonelessly) Cheese.

Bex: *takes picture*

Fisk: *grabs Zak's leg and tries to pull him loose* Rrrrr!

Zak: OW! Hey, easy Fisk! Don't pull my leg off.

Doyle: How exactly did you get stuck up there in the first place?

Zak: I think the microwave exploded.

Bex: Gee, you think?

Zak: *gives Bex the Evil Eye* Somebody get me down from here.

Fisk: *pulls on Zak's leg*

Zak: OW!

Doyle: Fisk! Cut it out.

Fisk: *stops* Sorry.

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Ways we tried to get Zak off the wall that didn't work A list by Bex Saturday

**Pulling on him. **Fisk tried pulling on his legs to peel him off like a human sticker. But that just pulled off his pants.

**Pouring cold water on him. **Doyle tried this one, but it didn't do anything except get Zak wet. Which was too bad, because if it had worked, I'd have been pelting him with water balloons until he fell.

**Spraying him with the sink sprayer. **I only came up with this one because I wanted to spray him in the face.

**Peanut butter. **I heard somewhere that peanut butter gets stuff out of your hair, so we used up the last of the jar trying to see if it would work on Zak and the wall. It didn't, and now he's wet AND smells like peanuts. Komodo likes it though.

**Scaring him. **Fisk wanted to dress up like Argost and scare Zak down from the wall. Doyle had to remind him we weren't trying to cure hiccups.

**Give him a banana. **I thought that if he thought he was Bananaman again, he'd unstuck himself. We couldn't do that one because Fisk ate the last banana for breakfast.

**Scrape him off. **When the banana thing failed, we had to resort to taking turns scraping Zak off with a spatula. Doyle made us stop when Fisk accidentally scraped a hole in the back of Zak' shirt.

**Hair dryer. **Zak was still wet from the sprayer thing we tried, so I got out the hair dryer from the bathroom and started drying him off. Heck, for all I knew he might dry up and fall off. That didn't work either.

**Butter. **We buttered him to try to get him to slip off the wall. All that did was get Fisk to lick him.

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Doyle: Ok. I give up. Any more bright ideas?

Komodo: Nope.

Fisk: My brain hurts!

Zak: I'm stuck to a wall in my uncle's kitchen with no pants on. You expect me to be thinking?

Bex: (hysterically) Forget doing it ourselves! Call the Army! Call the Marines! Call MOM!

Doyle: Ok! Ok! *picks up phone and dials* Uh, yeah, hi. I'm calling to talk to Drew Saturday. [pause] Yeah… I'm her brother. [pause] Why the heck do you need to know my age? [pause] I'm 29. [pause] Why would I tell you THAT? [pause] Hello? *shakes phone*

Zak: I think they hung up on you.

~One hour later~

Doyle: Think we should try the cops again? *picks up phone*

Zak: Hurry up. I've gotta pee.

Bex: *flicks Doyle on the temple* Give me that! *grabs phone*

Doyle: OW!

Bex: Watch a master liar at work, boys. *dials and holds phone to her ear* It's ringing. *holds out arm* Quick, Fisk- pinch me as hard as you can.

Fisk: Why?

Bex: Just DO IT!

Fisk: Ok… *pinches Bex*

Bex: *starts to cry* (phone gets answered) Hello? [pause] My name is Bex. My mom is Drew Saturday, can I talk to her? [pause] *sniff* Please? It's really important. [pause] Ok, I'll hold. *covers mouthpiece* In your face, Doyle! They're putting me through.

Doyle: But! You were just- how did you- why aren't you crying anymore?

Bex: Ssh! *waves hand and listens to phone* Mom? Mom!

Drew: Honey, what's wrong?

Bex: Zak's stuck to the wall in Doyle's kitchen!

Drew: WHAT?

Bex: It's the truth! I'll put you on speaker. *turns on speakerphone*

Zak: Mom!

Drew: Zak! Oh, poor baby. Are you ok?

Zak: I'm stuck to the wall.

Drew: *laughs* I heard.

Doyle: He's been stuck up there for a while now. How do we get him down?

Zak: And don't tell them to pull me off. Fisk tried that earlier and pulled off my pants instead.

Drew: Have you tried soapy water yet? That worked when you were a baby and you bubblegummed yourself to the cabinet door in our kitchen.

Bex: If peanut butter didn't work, why would soap and water?

Drew: Peanut butter only works on hair. Get a bucket of water- make sure it's warm- put some soap in it, stir it until the soap bubbles and pour it over Zak. He should slide right down off the wall.

Zak: Hurry up! Now I REALLY have to pee.

Bex: I'll get a bucket of water. *runs off*

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~On Doc and Drew's end of the phone line~

Doc: Who is that?

Drew: *raises eyebrow sarcastically* The Queen of England. It's the kids, Doc!

Doc: I knew that. *smiles guiltily*

Drew: Ssh! *listens* Ok, you got it? Put the soap in the water and pour it on Zak. *screaming and yelling noises from phone*

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Zak: Huh? Yaah! *falls to the floor* Oof!

Drew: Did it work?

Bex: It worked! Thanks Mom!

Zak: Can I have my pants back please?

Fisk: *hands Zak his pants*

Zak: *puts his pants on*

Doyle: *snickers*

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A/N: Once again, I have to thank my sister for helping with this chapter. Because if she hadn't helped, they'd have been scraping Zak off the wall with Drew's Firesword or something equally uncomfortable.

Ideas welcomed!


	15. A Ridiculously Short Chapter

**And now, readers, for a special chapter:**

**In which we find out what Zon has been doing while her family is away!**

Zon: *sits and blinks randomly*

Dr. Cheechoo (the birdsitter): …Soooo….


	16. Let's Get This Show Back on the Road!

A/N: Ok, enough. In this chapter I'm getting Doc and Drew out of the slammer. This won't be _The Road Trip from Heck_ anymore if Zak, Bex, Fisk and Komodo spend the rest of the fic at Doyle's apartment!

I listed this fic as family and humor. This is the chapter where the family part comes in.

BTW, has anyone else ever wondered why they're called apartments if they're attached to each other? Shouldn't they be called ATTACHMENTS? They're not apart!

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Dr. Grey: *turns on TV* What's this? _COPS_? *watches for a few seconds* Holy [word removed]! That's Doc Saturday! *runs to videophone and calls the other Secret Scientists* Have you all seen what I've just seen?

Dr. Beeman: *mad laughter* YES! It's hilarious!

Dr. Cheeveyo: No. What?

Dr. Grey: The Saturdays got themselves arrested!

Dr. Beeman: *mad laughter* I'm watching it for the fifth time!

Dr. Grey: This is NOT funny, Arthur.

Dr. Beeman: Speak for yourself! *laughs*

Dr. Grey: I did.

: She's right. Someone needs to get them out of jail.

Dr. Beeman: *laughs so hard he falls over*

Dr. Grey: *blank expression* Never mind. I'll go get them.

Dr. Beeman: *gasp* You do that...*laughs* Too FUNNY!

Dr. Grey: *turns off videophone* Come on, Deadbolt.

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Doc: *scratches line on wall*

Drew: How long have we been in here?

Doc: A week and a half.

Drew: *teardrop* We're never going to see the kids again. *starts to cry*

Doc: Look on the bright side... At least we're still wearing orange jumpsuits.

Drew: (hysterically) PRISON-ISSUE orange jumpsuits! They took our clothes! My brother's so cheap they'll never have enough money to bail us out and Zak and Bex can't help because they're kids! What're we going to do, Doc?

Doc: *puts his arm around Drew* Somebody will think of something. It'll get back to the Secret Scientists and one of them will help pay bail. You'll see. Things always work out for Saturdays.

Drew: *cry*

Prison Warden: Saturdays. You have a visitor.

Dr. Grey: *grabs bars of cell* Doc! Drew! Are you all right? I just saw you on television getting arrested.

Drew: Of course you saw us getting arrested. We WERE arrested!

Doc: See? I told you it would get around. *goes to the front of the cell* Miranda, can you bail us out?

Dr. Grey: That depends. How long did they put you in for?

Drew: What do you mean 'that depends?' Aren't all the Secret Scientists filthy rich?

Dr. Grey: Oh ALL RIGHT. (lowers voice) You didn't have to blurt that to the whole cell block, you know.

Drew: Well you are.

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A/N: Brace for cuteness!

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Doc and Drew: *walk outside*

Drew: *shades her eyes* Wow. It's brighter out here than I remember.

Zak: MOM! *runs up and hugs Drew*

Drew: Zak! My baby boy! I missed you so much. *squeezes Zak*

Bex: DADDY! *throws herself at Doc*

Doc: *catches Bex* Hey, how'd you get here? *hugs Bex* Did you get taller? It's only been a week and a half but I swear you grew an inch.

Bex: *squirms away and runs over to Drew* Hi, Mom!

Drew: Hi, sweetie! *hugs Bex*

Doc: How DID you two get here?

Zak: Uncle Doyle drove us. *jerks thumb at Doyle*

Doyle: *leans against car* You're welcome.

Bex: We were coming to visit you but you're already out! How'd you get out so fast?

Drew: Dr. Grey bailed us out.

Doc: Speaking of Miranda, where is she?

Dr. Grey: I'm back here. Deadbolt's got himself stuck in the revolving door. *pulls on Deadbolt* Oh come ON...

Drew: Thanks for watching them, Doyle.

Doyle: No problem. It was fun.

Zak: The parts where no one was stuck to the wall or sleeping in the bathtub.

Doyle: Well, yeah. Those parts weren't fun. But it was mostly ok.

Doc: Who slept in the tub and why?

Bex: Zak, because there was nowhere else to sleep.

Zak: There was a ghost in the shower that we thought was van Rook, but it wasn't and Doyle called Ghostbusters to get rid of him.

Drew: How did you know it wasn't van Rook?

Doyle: Because the next night he tried to pass himself off as our dad.

Drew: You were right to call Ghostbusters on him.

Doyle: *tosses the car keys to Doc* Anyway, I gotta fly. I should probably see if there are any more dead foreigners haunting my apartment.

Bex: I would move if I was you.

Doyle: *shrugs*

Doc: Anyway, thanks again.

Doyle: *salutes and flies off*

Drew: Let's get back on the road!

Zak and Bex: *random happy shouting*

Fisk: *rolls down passenger's side window* Shotgun!

Bex: Hey, I wanted to ride shotgun!

Zak: You asked when Doyle was driving, it's my turn!

Zak and Bex: *run towards car*

Drew: Never thought I'd miss that.

Doc: You never realize how lucky you are to have something until it's gone. *runs to car* It's my turn for shotgun! It's always my turn.

Zak and Bex: Why?

Doc: Because I'm your dad and I said so.

Drew: *shakes head and gets in the car* Let's get this show back on the road!

Everybody: WOOOOOO!

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A/N: Thank you to saturdayfanbast for sending me the idea of the Secret Scientists watching the episode of COPS. I'm not sure if I would've had them watch it otherwise. Good job, saturdayfanbast- you bailed Doc and Drew out of jail. (Also, I'm using your other idea in the next chapter.)


	17. Not So Sweet Dreams

Everybody: *sitting around the campfire roasting marshmallows* Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song. Our c-a-m-p-f-i-r-e-s-o-n-g song. And if you don't think we can sing it faster then you're wrong. It'll help if you just sing along!

Bex: Oh, crap- my marshmallow caught on fire! *flings marshmallow to the ground and stomps on it*

Doc: You know, you could've just blown it out.

Bex: *shrug*

Drew: *checks watch* Look how late it is! You must be exhausted, honey.

Bex: No I'm not. *tries not to yawn*

Zak: I'm going to bed. *goes into the tent*

Doc: We're ALL going to bed.

Bex: Fine.

~5 hours later~

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A/N: Harry Potter spoof time!

Starring... Zak as Harry Potter, Wadi as Hermione Granger, Ulraj as Ron Weasley, Doyle as Uncle Vernon, Abbey Grey as Aunt Petunia, Zon as Hedwig the owl, Dr. Beeman as Professor Snape (seems to fit, doesn't it?), Dr. Grey as Professor McGonagall, Francis the clone-boy as Draco Malfoy, Epsilon as Lucius Malfoy, Epsilon's "people" as the Death Eaters, Dr. Cheeveyo as Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, Doc and Drew as James and Lily Potter, Argost as Voldemort, Professor Misuki as Remus Lupin, and Dr. Cheechoo as Professor Dumbledore.

And, as a special treat, straight from the book itself... Ladies and gentlemen, Kreacher the house-elf!

Should I cast van Rook as Nearly-Headless Nick?

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[Zak's dream sequence]

Zak: I'm a WHAT?

Dr. Cheeveyo: You're a wizard, Zak. And I'm probably right in thinking your aunt and uncle have been trying to squash the magic out of you. They don't want another wizard in the family.

Zak: Another? Who's the other one?

Doyle: My good-for-nothing sister who ran off with that Saturday idiot. They met at that crazy school their kind go to.

Abbey: Worthless, that's what they were. Good thing they were killed before they could spawn another one of you filthy little-

Zak: You told me my parents died in a car accident!

Dr. Cheeveyo: CAR ACCIDENT MY FOOT! Doc and Drew Saturday were killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself! Heaven only knows how you survived, boy.

Zak: He who?

Dr. Cheeveyo: He must not be named. I couldn't say it even if he could be named! The only person who dares use his name is the headmaster of Hogwarts, your school.

Doyle: Hang on! We never said he could go-

Dr. Cheeveyo: *rips the door off its hinges* Come on then!

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[Real world]

Zak: (talking in his sleep) Wizard... car accident- no! Wait, I'm gonna miss the train...

Bex: Shut up! *hits Zak with her pillow and rolls over* (A/N: Yes, they are in separate sleeping bags, geniuses. They're just in the same tent, close enough to each other for her to hit him.)

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[Dream world]

Wadi: You're talking to snakes, Zak. That's not normal even for a wizard.

Zak: What did Dr. Grey call it? Parseltounge?

Ulraj: You know, Zak, You-Know-Who was a Parseltounge.

Zak: Really?

Wadi: Yeah, and the whole school thought HE was the heir of Slytherin too.

Ulraj: ...So, CAN you open the Chamber of Secrets?

Wadi: (accusingly) ULRAJ! *whacks Ulraj with a rolled up piece of paper*

Ulraj: Ok! Ok!

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[Real world]

Zak: *gets out of his sleeping bag and starts sleepwalking, finds a snake and talks to it*

Bex: MOM! PLEASE! Shut him up! *buries her head under her pillow*

Drew: Huh? *wakes up and looks out the tent flap* Zak, get back in here!

Zak: *keeps walking*

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[Dream world]

Zak: What was that thing?

Professor Misuki: A dementor. One of the guards of Azkaban.

Ulraj: They suck the happy out of everything. *shudders* All your good memories just... disappear.

Wadi: You collapsed, Zak. What did you see?

Zak: I didn't see anything... I heard my mom.

[Dream Zak's dream]

*flash of green light*

Drew: No! Please, spare my baby! Take me instead!

Argost: *evil laughter*

Drew: No! NO!

[End of dream]

Ulraj: Wow. That beats my bad memory.

Wadi: That was...?

Ulraj: My brother turned my teddy bear into a sea urchin.

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[Real world]

Zak: *picks up a stick* Take that, dementor...

Bex: Does anyone but me care that Zak's sleepwalking?

Doc: I care! I'll go get him, just give me a minute to find my shoes.

Komodo: Oh. Am I chewing on your good pair?

Doc: *facepalm*

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[Dream world]

Francis: So Saturday. How'd you do it?

Zak: Do what?

Francis: Get into the Triwizard Tournament. Aren't we famous enough already? *smirks*

Zak: For the thousandth time, I didn't enter myself in the tournament! I don't know how I got in!

Dr. Beeman: Saturday, that is enough outbursts for one class. Twenty points from your house, and if I hear another word out of you it'll be detention. Am I making myself clear?

Zak: (miserably) Yes, sir.

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Doc: Zak. Zak! *waves his hand in front of Zak's face*

Drew: Doc, he's sleepwalking. Don't wake him up, it's dangerous to wake up sleepwalkers.

Bex: *waves arms* He's driving me CRAZY, Mom. I can't sleep with him blathering in my ear all night long! What do we do?

Drew: We just need to get him somewhere he won't run off or hurt anyone.

Fisk: Good luck with that.

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[Dream world]

Dr. Grey: We're the Order of the Phoenix, Zak. Your parents were part of it, before you were born.

Professor Misuki: We're like the Death Eaters- only the good guys.

Zak: How come I never knew about this before?

Dr. Grey: You don't go around telling everyone YOUR secrets, do you?

(A/N: I know, crappy book five cover. But I didn't have anyone to play Sirius Black because Doyle's already Uncle Vernon and there's not enough characters in Secret Saturdays to cast EVERYONE from HP. I was thinking of having Abbey play, like, Bellatrix Lestrange or someone, but that would've meant killing off my nonexistent Sirius and there would be no one to play Aunt Petunia. You see my problem.)

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[Real world]

Zak: *thrashes around*

Bex: Did you have to tie him up? Couldn't you have just locked him in the car or something?

Doc: It's for his own good, Bex. We can't have him sleepwalking all night. He might hurt himself-

Drew: Or someone else.

Bex: So why can't he sleep in the car now? He won't be able to start it up and drive away or anything.

Drew: Why?

Bex: I can't sleep in the same tent as a sleeptalker. End of story.

Doc: I don't care. He's staying.

Zak: Zzzzzzzzzz... Death Eaters... They're after me!

Doc: On second thought...

Fisk: Let's put him in the trunk!

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[Dream world]

Dr. Cheechoo: This way! *runs up stairs*

Zak: *follows* Where are we going?

Dr. Cheechoo: Top of the Astronomy tower. The Death Eaters shouldn't be able to follow us up here.

Epsilon's People: *follow them* Get him!

Dr. Cheechoo: Oh. Well, I've been wrong before. Come on! *keeps running*

Zak *runs faster*

Death Eaters: *corner them*

Beeman: You fool. Tell us where Zak is and we might spare you. (A/N: Zak's invisible.)

Cheechoo: Never.

Francis: Notice he said "MIGHT spare you." *gets out his wand*

Beeman: Francis, no!

Francis: *kills Dr. Cheechoo*

(A/N: Sorry guys, it had to be done... I could've cast another character as Dumbledore, but he seemed to fit the part best [I don't know why] and I would've been killing Doc if I hadn't cast him.)

(Oh wait... I did kill Doc. Never mind then.)

(A/N: NOBODY'S REALLY DEAD!)

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[Real world]

Zak: No! *thrashes around* Stupid Death Eaters. Get back here and I'll pound your face in... Francis I'm gonna KILL you!

Drew: Somebody's morbid today.

Bex: It's 2:00 in the morning! Why are we leaving?

Doc: Because the family on the neighboring campsite complained to the management. Would you rather be thrown out?

Bex: If it meant I could get more sleep.

Drew: Just put your seat back. You ARE allowed to sleep in the car, you know.

Bex: *puts her seat back*

Komodo: *climbs on Bex's lap and falls asleep*

Bex: Hey, Komodo... Ah, forget it. *falls asleep* Zzzzzzzzzz...

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[Dream world]

Zak: Why are we hiding out in the Order of the Phoenix headquarters?

Wadi: It's all the security charms they put on it. The Death Eaters shouldn't be able to find this even if they followed us up to the front door.

Ulraj: I just wish they could've gotten rid of Kreacher.

Zak: Hey, Ulraj, don't be mean. He's mine now. My godfather left him to me.

Kreacher: Kreacher is very happy to serve Master Zak, yes he is... *bows*

Ulraj: ...Right.

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[Real world]

Zak: *blinks his eyes open, sits up, stretches and yawns* 'Morning, guys.

Bex: Zzzzzzzz...

Komodo: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Fisk: Hey. *shoves Zak* Your side. My side. Zone O' Death. You made that rule up, remember? Follow it.

Zak: What's with everybody this morning?

Drew: You kept us up all night last night, honey. You were sleepwalking.

Zak: I was?

Doc: Before that you were talking in your sleep.

Zak: No wonder I was having such weird dreams.

Fisk: Do us a favor- Don't tell us what they were about.

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A/N: Hope at least someone laughs at this... I didn't think it was very funny but my friend did. Did anyone catch that I did spoofs of all the books?

Thanks to saturdayfanbast for the idea.


	18. Bananaman Returns

Doc: Why are we pulling into a gas station? We just got gas an hour ago.

Drew: The car might have energy, but I don't. I know I promised you I'd never say this but [bleep] it- Doc. I. NEED. COFFEE! *grabs Doc's shirt*

Doc: Coffee! Yeah! Good idea. I'll stay here with the kids. *guilty smile*

Drew: Thanks. *goes inside*

Doc: *whistles innocently*

~Half an hour later~

Drew: I'm back!

Bex: *wakes up* Mh? Oh. Mornin' Mom...

Drew: *gets back in car and puts her coffee in the cupholder* I got breakfast for everyone, since we've been on the road since two.

Doc: Is it donuts? You know how well we do with donuts.

Drew: How stupid do I look, Doc? *pulls out box* I got a box of cereal with mini marshmallows in it.

Zak: OMG! Are you sure you're really our mom? *raises eyebrow*

Bex: Take a chill pill, Crazy. I asked her if we could get that kind of cereal last night.

Drew: Anybody want lemonade? I got a case of lemonade, too.

Doc: Anything else?

Drew: Besides my coffee and a box of dog treats for Komodo... No.

Doc: Then I think we all want cereal and lemonade.

Bex: (sarcastically) The breakfast of champions. *rolls eyes*

Zak: First dibs! I'm starving.

Drew: *hands Zak the box*

Fisk: HEY! *grabs for the cereal*

Komodo: I want some! I want some!

Bex: I'm next! Paws off!

Doc: *trying to shut everyone up* Hey. *no one listens to him* Hey! *no one listens to him* HEY! *everyone turns around*

Bex and Zak: Yeah?

Doc: Stop fighting. You all do remember we're in public, right?

Drew: It's kind of hard to take you seriously when you're wearing in your pajamas and sitting in a rented minivan, honey.

Doc: Well then why don't we go get a hotel room somewhere so we can change?

Drew: I thought you wanted to get to Busch Gardens as fast as possible!

Doc: But I don't want people to think my family's a pack of filthy-

Bex and Zak: DAD DON'T SAY IT!

Fisk: The h-o-b-o word attracts them! *looks around nervously*

Komodo: *stuffs his head in the cereal box* Omnomnomnomnom...

Bex: HEY! Get out of there! *tries to pull Komodo loose*

Zak: He's eating all the mini marshmallows! *pulls on the box*

Drew: On second thought... Let's go to a hotel for the day.

Fisk: I don't care if they don't let pets in! Get one with no-

Zak and Bex: FISK DON'T SAY IT!

Fisk: H-o-b-o-e-s. Make sure there aren't any of _them_ at this hotel.

Doc: *looks at Drew*

Drew: (mutters) Yeah, yeah.

~45 minutes later~

Drew: *sticks her head in the door* Ok, this place doesn't let pets inside, but they've got a yard. I'm going to let you boys out, but you have to promise not to terrorize any of the dogs. Got it?

Fisk: Yes. *gets out*

Komodo: Fine. *gets out*

Bex: Ooh! This place has a POOL!

Zak: Awesome! Can we go swimming?

Doc: Maybe if we stay here tomorrow. I'm too tired today.

Drew: Sorry, kiddo. He's right. We're all tired except you.

Bex: You sleepwalked all last night. WE didn't. We were awake, chasing after you!

Zak: (mutters) Somebody's bipolar this morning.

Everybody: *walks inside to their room*

Bex: *flops on a bed* Can I just go to sleep right here? I'm already in my pajamas.

Drew: Sure. *sits on the other bed and flips on the TV*

Doc: Why don't you read a book or something, Zak.

Zak: I don't-

Doc: That wasn't a question.

Zak: Oh. Why don't I then.

~Later~

Doc, Drew and Bex: (asleep) Zzzzzzzz...

Zak: I'm thirsty. Did Mom bring the lemonade in? *looks around* Oh. Here it is. *looks at label* Hard lemonade? Huh. Never heard of this stuff before. *drinks*

~Even later~

Doc: *wakes up* Huh? *shakes Drew* Drew. Do you hear that?

Drew: Hm? *listens* Wait- where's Zak?

Doc: Oh no. *gets up and looks at the label on the box of lemonade* Drew.

Drew: Hm?

Doc: Hard lemonade has ALCOHOL in it.

Drew: It does?

Doc: IT SAYS SO ON THE LABEL!

Bex: Keep it down... Some of us need our beauty sleep...

Drew: What's that supposed to mean, young lady?

Doc: *ignores them* By the looks of this, Zak's been drinking a lot. There's three... Five... Nine empty bottles here.

Bex: Did anyone else hear that?

Doc and Drew: *look at each other* Zak.

[Down in the lobby]

Zak: *stands "heroically" on the front desk* Evildoers beware! For I am...

Bex: *runs in, skids to a stop and screams* MOM! DAD! HE'S BANANAMAN AGAIN!

Doc and Drew: *run in*

Drew: Zak, get down from here this instant!

Doc: It's bad enough he does this at Doyle's when he's sober. Doyle was probably the one who gave him that idea in the first place. But now? HERE? When he's underage DRUNK?

Zak: You will never catch me! *runs away*

Bex: *yells out the door* Fisk! We could use a hand in here!

Fisk: *comes in* I heard you scream. We just need to do what Doyle did last time zak thought he was Bananaman- lock him in a room he can't get out of.

Drew: I am not putting my baby boy in a padded crazy cell!

Doc: Drew, he's not crazy. Just flat-out drunk.

Bex: Anyway, we don't HAVE a padded crazy cell. Just hotel rooms. And all of them have windows and sliding glass doors.

Fisk: In other words...

Doc and Drew: This is going to take a while.

Zak: Ha! Foolish henchmen! BANANAMAN CAN NOT BE CAPTURED!

Doc: Split up!

Everyone: *split up*

Drew: He's this way! *chases*

Zak: *climbs into the air vent*

Doc: He's in the vent. None of the rest of us will fit!

Bex: I will. *grabs the edge of the vent* Hoist me in.

Doc: *puts Bex in the vent* I hope you know what you're doing.

Bex: So do I! *crawls after Zak*

Zak: *drops out of the vent* TO THE BANANA CAVE! *grabs a random nearby towel and ties it around his neck like a cape* COME TRUSTY SIDEKICK!

Drew: *tackles Zak* Gotcha!

Zak: *struggles* Hey, lemme go!

Drew: Baby, I don't want to hurt you. Don't make me do something I'll regret.

Zak: Mom, let go! *struggles*

Doc: *comes in* Well, he recognizes you. That's a start.

Bex: WHOA! *falls out of the vent and lands in the pool, splashing everyone*

Doc: Bex!

Bex: *comes up coughing and spits water* I'm ok. *gets out*

Zak: Huh? *shakes his head like a dog* What's going on? *gags*

Doc: (warningly) Let him go, Drew...

Drew: *lets go*

Zak: *throws up in the pool*

Drew: Oh, honey...

Manager: *comes in*

Bex: *closes her eyes and crosses her fingers* I'm not related to him. I'm not related to him. I'm not related to him...

Manager: Sir, ma'am, I'm afraid you're going to have to collect your things and leave. We don't allow alcohol in the rooms, and we most certainly do not allow minors to get drunk and throw up in our pool.

Bex: So you let adults do it then?

Manager: *gives Bex the Evil Eye* Another word like that, miss, and you'll be the first one out of here.

Bex: Eep! *backs off*

Doc: *gets in the manager's face (and he's at least 2 inches taller)* I'll thank you not to talk to my daughter like that.

Bex: *hides behind Doc and sticks her tongue out at the manager*

Manager: I'm still going to have to ask you to leave.

Drew: Of course, sir. We understand. _Don't we Doc._

Doc: Yes. (mutters) He still can't talk to her like that.

Drew: Fisk, get your brother.

Fisk: *salutes and picks Zak up*

Doc: *grabs Bex's hand and leads everyone outside*

Drew: Nice PR, Doc! Do you WANT to get arrested again?

Doc: You would've done the same thing if it was Zak! I'm just sticking up for my kid.

Zak: Can I change my shirt? This one's covered in barf.

Drew: The first sane words you've spoken all day. I'll go get our suitcases. *leaves*

Bex: *hugs Doc* Thanks, Dad.

Doc: *hugs Bex*

Komodo: Hey! Guess what! I just taught this dog to roll over! Where's Mom keep that box of treats?

Doc, Fisk, Bex and Zak: *confused stare at Komodo*

Komodo: ...Did I miss something?

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A/N: Another idea from you guys. This one's from ZakSaturdayFan. I don't think I would've thought of Zak getting drunk otherwise. (Not two things I often think about in the same thought: Zak and alcohol.)

Drew: Yeah, thanks a lot ZakSaturdayFan! My baby boy has a hangover and it's all your fault!

Me: NO BAD DREW! *squirts with squirt bottle* GET BACK IN MY HEAD YOU!


	19. The Best Day Ever

~Sometime AFTER Zak's recovered from being drunk for the first time~

Drew: *pulls the car into a parking lot*

Everybody: *gets out*

Zak: Where are we?

Bex: Can we take off the blindfolds yet?

Doc: Not yet.

Drew: We decided to give you kids a treat. I mean, with all the homeless people chasing us, your dad and I being in jail, all that craziness-

Doc: We thought you might want to actually enjoy this trip. _Now_ you can take your blindfold off.

Zak and Bex: *take off their blindfolds* OMG!

Bex: *presses her face against the window* A CANDY STORE! Is it real? Please tell me it's real.

Zak: Cool!

Doc: We get to spend the whole day here.

Bex: I LOVE YOU! *hugs Doc*

Drew: I helped. He wanted to take you to the museum across the street.

Zak: *reads museum sign* "New exhibit: A riveting informational movie on how mummies are made."

Bex: Translation: This place is really boring. And FYI, thousand-year-old dead people? EW!

Drew: Besides, this place has a ride that tells you how they make chocolate. It's not just a movie, they make it look like you're inside the factory.

Bex: Dibs on the front car seat! *runs inside*

Zak: Hey! Wait up! *chases*

Doc and Drew: *follow*

Doc: Any other reason you didn't want to go to the museum?

Drew: One archeological dig with you was enough. *glares* Or did you already forget what happened LAST TIME?

Doc: I fixed it, didn't I?

Bex: COME ON ALREADY! *grabs Doc and Drew's hands and drags them in*

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~Happy montage of the Saturdays enjoying their day at the candy store~

(A/N: Imagine the Best Day Ever song from Spongebob [or have it playing] while you read this to get the most cute family togetherness out of it. It might not last the whole song (unless you read REALLY slow) because after the part there Doc and Drew kiss, I started running out if ideas. There's not much talking in this part. Also, imagine there's transitions and stuff where I say there is.)

[Montage start]

Bex: *runs onto the candy-making tour ride leading the others*

Everybody: Ooh! Aah! *point to random things*

[transition]

Zak: *presses face against bakery display case and looks at the cupcakes*

Bex: *taps Zak on the shoulder*

Zak: *turns around and sees Bex holding a giant cupcake, his eyes bug out of his head*

Bex: *laughs*

[transition]

Drew: *drinks a glass of chocolate milk*

Zak and Bex: *laugh and point at her milk mustache behind her back*

Doc: *goes over to clean Drew's face off and they somehow end up kissing*

[transition]

Zak and Bex: *fake joust with giant lollipops*

[transition]

Everybody: *get their picture taken with hats on that look like cupcakes*

Photographer: Say 'We look stupid!'

Everybody: We look stupid!

Bex and Drew: *giggle*

Zak and Doc: *try not to laugh but they can't*

Everybody: *mad laughter*

[transition]

Zak: *leads everyone onto the tour ride for their second time*

Everyone: Ooh...aah... *point at the same random things*

[transition]

Everybody: *sharing a giant ice cream sundae*

Bex: Ooh! Ooh! _Brainfreeze... _*grabs her head*

Zak: *laughs* Hahahaha... OW! _Brainfreeze! _*grabs his head*

Doc and Drew: *laugh*

[transition]

Drew: *chews bubblegum, blows a huge bubble and gets gum everywhere*

[transition]

Zak and Bex: *play tug-of-war with a licorice rope*

Doc: *chases Drew*

Drew: *trips over the licorice rope*

[transition]

Bex: *squeals and points at a giant chocolate bar*

Zak: *tries to pick it up but he can't*

[transition]

Everybody: *tries to cram themselves onto the tour ride first and they all get stuck in the door*

[Montage end]

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Doc: *checks his watch* Wow. It's late, we should probably get going.

Drew, Zak and Bex: AWWWW! No fair!

Bex: C'mon, can't we stay for a LITTLE longer?

Zak: This was the most fun place we've been to so far!

Drew: Doc, please?

Doc: I thought you all wanted to go to Busch Gardens.

Zak: Dad. Think about it. The worst thing that happened today was that we all got brain freezes.

Bex: Nobody got stuck to the wall.

Zak: Nobody saw any ghosts.

Drew: Nobody got drunk.

Zak: There wasn't even any traffic on the was here!

Bex: IT'S A SIGN, MAN! IT'S A SIGN!

Doc: ...Ok, we can stay for a few more minutes.

Drew: Can we get candy?

Doc: *laughs* Yes.

Drew, Zak and Bex: YAY! WE GET CANDY! *run off to get candy*

~Half an hour and 3 bags of candy later~

Drew: Ok, now we have to leave.

Bex: No complaints here. *shoves a lollipop in her mouth*

Zak: I LOVES ME SOME CHOCOLATE! *rips a chunk out of a candy bar*

Doc: Didn't you get me anything?

Drew: Oh don't worry honey. This is yours. *hands Doc a king size candy bar*

Doc: Thanks. *kisses Drew*

Zak: Ok, we have to leave now!

Bex: Yeah, we really have to get back on the road. I mean REALLY.

Doc: *laughs and leads everyone out to the car*

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A/N: Thx to stormygirl335. This is a pre-thingy to the chapter with your idea in it.

Me: *drags ZakSaturdayFan out by her ear* Drew, she's got something to say to you. *jabs ZakSaturdayFan in the ribs*

ZakSaturdayFan: I'm sorry I made Zak get drunk.

Drew: AND?

ZakSaturdayFan: *sighs* I won't do it again.

Drew: Thank you. *grabs the squirt bottle from me and squirts ZakSaturdayFan with it* Now shoo! Go away!

Me: *grabs the squirt bottle back* No! *squirts Drew with it* Bad Drew! Bad girl!

ZakSaturdayFan: *runs away screaming*

Drew: HEY! Cut that out! *pulls out a Super Soaker*

Me: Oh crap! *runs away with Drew chasing me* AAA! DOC! ZAK! BEX! FISK! SOMEBODY HEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEE!


	20. Your Highness

~In the middle of nowhere~

Zak and Bex: *sit in the grass and eat candy*

Fisk: *tries to steal a piece*

Zak: *slaps Fisk's hand away* Get lost. If you wanted some you should've asked us to get you some.

Fisk: You should've woken me up when we were at the candy store then.

Zak: You snooze, you lose, Fisk.

Bex: Nice one! *hi-fives Zak*

Fisk: *turns his back on them and crosses his arms* Meanies.

Bex: Awww... Don't cry Fiskerton... Here, have a candy bar.

Fisk: YAY! *grabs the candy bar and kisses Bex* You're the best.

Bex: I know.

Zak: *rolls eyes*

Drew: *comes up* Good news, kids!

Zak: Are we getting a dog?

Drew: No...

Bex: Dr. Beeman has amnesia?

Drew: Unfortunately, no.

Bex: *wilts* Aw.

Fisk: We lost Komodo!

Drew: No!

Zak and Bex: Then what's so good about this news?

Drew: Well, the van has a flat tire so your dad's agreed that we should stop for the rest of the day today and get it fixed tomorrow. We all need a breather.

Bex: *stretches and falls back on the grass* Finally.

Zak: So what are we supposed to do?

Bex: Nothing! That's what I'm doing.

Komodo: I hear you. *curls up next to her* Zzzzzz...

Drew: You'll think of something.

Fisk: Let's have a candy-eating contest!

Zak: You're on. *starts shoving candy in his mouth*

Fisk: Hey, no fair! I didn't say go!

Bex: You know you're losing, right?

Fisk: *shoves candy in his mouth*

Bex: HEY! That's mine!

Fisk: Not anymore!

Bex: *grabs candy and shoves it in her mouth*

Komodo: I WANT SOME! *stuffs his head in the bag of candy*

~1 hour later~

Bex, Zak, Komodo and Fisk: *lie in the grass with chocolate all over their faces*

Zak: Ugh...

Bex: I think I'm gonna hurl.

Fisk: I'm bored. What do you guys wanna do?

Komodo: We could chase squirrels. Chasing squirrels is fun.

Fisk: You know what? That does sound fun.

Bex: There's one! *chases squirrel*

Zak: There's another! *chases*

Fisk: I found one! *chases*

~Half an hour after that~

Bex: *runs around wildly* I'mrunningI'mrunningI'mrunningI'mrunningWHEEEEE-HOO!

Zak: I THINK WE'RE SUGAR HIGH!

Fisk: SUGAR! *does a backflip* I LOVE IT!

Komodo: Parents off the port bow!

Doc and Drew: *come up*

Doc: What on earth is going on here?

Bex: *runs circles around Doc and Drew* HiMomhiDadI'mrunningwatchmerun!

Fisk: WE'RE SUGAR HIGH!

Drew: You ate _all_ your candy?

Zak: Noooo... Just most of it.

Bex: WHEEEEE-HOO! *keeps running*

Drew: How do you come down from a sugar high?

Doc: *shrugs* I don't know. I've never had one.

Zak: THIS. IS. SO. AWESOME!

Komodo: *throws up in the bushes*

Bex: *stops running* Wow, Komodo. I didn't know anyone could throw up that much.

Komodo: I'm a man of many talents, Bex.

Doc: Forget this. *grabs Bex*

Bex: HEY! Put me down! *struggles*

Drew: *grabs Zak*

Zak: What're you gonna do to us?

Doc: We're going to lock you inside until you crash.

Zak: That should take a while.

Bex: Yeah... One time in the fourth grade it took me a whole day to crash off a sugar high. Then I slept for 12 hours straight. Then I threw up!

Drew: (sarcastically) Great.

Bex: I know, right?

Doc and Drew: *take Zak and Bex inside and lock them in a room*

~That night~

Zak: WE'RE STILL AWAKE!

Bex: AND I'M STILL HIGH!

Zak WE'RE GONNA STAY UP ALL NIGHT...

~The next morning~

Drew: *presses her ear to the door* I don't hear anything. Is that a good sign?

Doc: If it means they're asleep, then yes.

Drew: *opens door*

Zak and Bex: *passed out on the floor*

Drew: Awww... They're so cute when they're asleep.

Doc: Because when they're asleep they're not high, drunk, stuck to the wall, throwing up or seeing ghosts.

Drew: You sure do know how to ruin a cute family moment, Doc.

Doc: I do that sometimes.

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A/N: You had to know that was coming, right? Thanks to stormygirl335 for the idea.

Did anyone notice Bex's Invader Zim and Chowder cameos?

"I'm running..."- Invader Zim

"I didn't know anyone could throw up that much"- Chowder


	21. Romeo and Bananawoman

~Still in the middle of nowhere~

Zak: *wakes up* Bex. *pokes Bex* Do you smell that?

Bex: *sniffs* Is that... waffles?

Drew: *comes in* Guess who made breakfast!

Zak: Let me guess- Dad?

Drew: Fortunately, no.

Bex: Even better! *gets up and goes into the kitchen*

Zak and Drew: *follow*

Doc: *sitting at the table* Good morning, sunshine.

Bex: Morning, Dad. *sits*

Zak: *comes in and sits*

Drew: Who wants waffles?

Zak and Bex: Me!

Drew: *hands out plates of waffles*

Bex: *takes a bite* Hey, these are pretty good.

Zak: What's in them?

Drew: Waffle!

Doc: *laughs* There's waffle in the waffles. That's great.

Drew: *about to say something but her videophone rings, she has to leave the room and answer it*

Zak: Wonder what that's about.

Bex: Meh. *forks a waffle off Zak's plate*

Zak: Hey!

Drew: *comes back in*

Zak: What was that about?

Drew: That was Maboul. He said that Wadi was asking about you, Zak-

Bex: Oooh! *makes kissing noises* She likes you...

Zak: Shut up! *shoves Bex*

Bex: Whoa! *falls off her chair*

Drew: ANYWAY... Wadi's coming to stay with us for a while.

Bex: *gets back on her chair*

Doc: I thought this was a _family _vacation.

Bex: You never know, Dad. She might be family someday.

Zak: Ok, seriously? Shut up!

Bex: Hey, just telling it like it is, bro. *takes a bite of waffle and gestures at Zak with her fork* She digs you. That much is obvious.

Zak: What isn't obvious?

Bex: The reason why.

Zak: Just you wait. Someday you'll be sorry for that.

Drew: She's just heckling, sweetie. Sisters do that.

Bex: Love you, big brother. *hugs Zak*

Zak: *frowns* ...Yeah. Can I eat my waffle in peace now?

~After breakfast~

Wadi: *knocks on the door* Hello? Saturdays?

Bex: *opens the door* Oh, hi Wadi. Come on in. *leans inside and yells* MOM, DAD, ZAK, SHE'S HERE!

Wadi: Could you say that a little louder? I don't think they heard you in the next town.

Bex: Sorry. *leads Wadi into the kitchen* Want a waffle?

Wadi: I've never had a waffle before. Are they good?

Bex: If my mom made them they are! Here. *gives Wadi a waffle*

Zak: *comes in* Hi, guys.

Bex: 'Sup, Romeo?

Zak: Scram.

Bex: *skips off*

Wadi: Nice to see you, Zak. *blushes*

Zak: You too. *points after Bex* Don't mind her. She's jealous because she only knows four boys our age, and two of them are me and Ulraj.

Wadi: Oh. That's bad, I guess.

Zak: Want something to drink?

~Later~

Drew: That's weird. I could've sworn I just heard Zak and Wadi in the kitchen.

Bex: What were they doing?

Drew: Nothing you need to concern yourself with.

Doc: Drew! We've got a problem.

Drew and Bex: *go into the kitchen*

Doc: Look what I just found.

Drew: Tell me that's not alcohol. Please tell me it's not.

Bex: I would, but then I'd be lying.

Zak: *outside* COME TRUSTY SIDEKICK! LET US BRING THIS CRIMINAL JUSTICE!

Wadi: I thought I was your partner!

Zak: Partner, sidekick, same difference.

Drew, Bex and Doc: *run outside*

Drew: He's drunk again!

Bex: *snorts* Mph... Hahahahahaha! Look, Mom! They've got matching capes!

Zak: I'M BANANAMAN! *strikes a pose*

Wadi: I'M BANANAWOMAN! *strikes a pose*

Bex: Hahaha... *falls over laughing* I'M GONNA DIE!

Doc: YOU'RE DRUNK!

Drew: Not this again, Zak. Please? For me.

Zak: I KNOW NOT OF THIS ZAK OF WHOM YOU SPEAK.

Wadi: DEPLOY BANANARANG! *throws a banana at Doc and Drew*

Zak: THERE HE IS! *points at nonexistent hobo* FOLLOW THAT HOBO!

Bex: *tries to get up, but hears Zak say "follow that hobo" and falls back over, laughing even harder*

Zak and Wadi: *run off*

Doc and Drew: *chase them*

Zak: TO THE BANANAMOBILE! *runs towards the car*

Doc: Oh no you don't! *grabs zak*

Wadi: *climbs on top of the house*

Drew: You get down from there right now or I'm calling your dad!

Wadi: EVIL FEIND! *crosses arms and faces the other way*

Bex: Go Wadi!

Drew: Don't you encourage her, young lady.

Fisk: *climbs up and grabs Wadi then brings her down to Drew*

Wadi: YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!

Drew: Haven't we already?

Doc: You two aren't leaving our sight until you're sober.

Zak: What if it takes all night and you fall asleep?

Doc: We won't.

Zak: But what if?

Doc: Don't get mouthy with me. You're in enough trouble.

Bex: Let's lock him in the bedroom.

Drew: What about her?

Bex: The hall closet.

Doc: Let's just send her home. You should've known this was a bad idea, Drew. I mean, look at all the crazy stuff that's happened already!

Drew: Zak, what were you thinking?

Zak: Would it help if I said I wasn't?

Bex: Ain't that the truth.

Zak: *scowls* Butt out.

Wadi: Fiskerton, put me down.

Fisk: Why?

Wadi: DO IT!

Fisk: *puts her down*

Wadi: *runs off and throws up in the bushes*

Bex: Want me to hold your hair back?

Zak: Was that an insult?

Drew: When she stops throwing up, Wadi's going home.

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A/N: Another Invader Zim parody scene. "There's waffle in 'em!"- GIR, Invader Zim.

This chapter's "Zak gets drunk" is from sparkyzebo.


	22. Canadian Bacon

Bex: How much longer do we have to stay here? I'm bored and Zak's too hung over to play with us and Fisk and I need another person to play video games with who ACTUALLY CAN PLAY.

Drew: Honey, relax. It's not that bad.

Komodo: *chews on the video game controller*

Drew: (accusingly) Komodo! Bad dragon. *squirts with squirt bottle*

Komodo: ARGH! HOLY WATER! IT **BURNS!** *runs off*

Bex: ...Did anyone else see that?

Doc: I learned to tune him out the day after we got him. *sits on the couch and starts reading the newspaper*

~The next morning~

Drew: *bangs a pot with a spoon* Rise and shine! Wake up, everybody! Time to get back on the road!

Zak: *stumbles outside to the car* But the light! It BURNS!

Bex: I'm still in my pajamas! Can't I change first?

Drew: Make it fast. We want to be on the highway before it traffics up.

~Later~

Zak: Uh, Mom? I think we're lost.

Drew: We're not lost.

Bex: Then why did we just pass a sign that said 'Canadian border three miles?'

Drew: Doc?

Doc: Don't look at me. I'm not the one who lost the map.

Drew: But you were the one in charge of the map, so it's technically your fault by default.

Bex: If that makes sense.

Fisk: Just say it's his fault. You're making my brain hurt.

Zak: We're crossing into Canada!

Drew: Oops. Well, we can't turn around now. Where do you want to go while we're here?

Zak: I want to see a moose!

Fisk: I want some Canadian bacon!

Bex: I want to go back to the States.

Komodo: I want all of you to shut up.

Drew: Ok, so it looks like we're side-tripping here for the day.

Bex: BUT!

Drew: No buts. We'll get back on track soon.

Doc: Speaking of Canadian bacon, it's almost time for lunch. Who's hungry?

Zak, Bex and Fisk: Me!

Drew: There's a pancake house up ahead.

Doc: Aren't those places... bad? My parents always said they were dirty and gross and we never went there.

Bex: Yeah, but you're the parent now.

Zak: Were they ever actually IN a pancake house?

Doc: ...I don't know...

Drew: Stop it, you two. Look, let's just go in, and if we don't like it we won't ever go there again.

Doc: Thank you.

Drew: *pulls into parking lot*

Bex: *gets out and leads the way inside*

Zak: I don't know... I'm starting to take Dad's side on this.

Drew: It's not horrible, it's just not great.

Bex: Ew.

Doc: See? I was right.

Drew: Back in the car. NOW. *pushes Zak and Bex out the door*

Doc: *follows them out*

Everybody: *gets in the car*

Zak: I think I could live without another visit there.

Bex: EVER, EVER AGAIN!

Fisk: No Canadian bacon?

Drew: Change of plans. We're getting a hotel room so we can regroup.

Doc: Maybe we should stay overnight and try to get back to the States tomorrow.

Drew: Good idea.

Fisk: Make sure the hotel has a restaurant. One that serves breakfast. ALL DAY.

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A/N: Oh, Fiskerton... I love bacon too...


	23. Sibling Rivalry

Bex: *lies on the bed in the hotel room* You think Dr. Cheechoo has directions to Busch Gardens?

Doc: What?

Bex: We ARE in Canada. Doesn't he live here?

Doc: We don't need to stop and ask directions.

Bex: Says the man who steered us into Hoboken!

Doc: That was your mother's fault.

Drew: *from the other room* WHAT was my fault?

Doc: Nothing!

Drew: It better be nothing!

Doc: Trust me, Bex. I know what I'm doing. *leaves*

Drew: *comes in* What was that about?

Bex: He doesn't want to stop and ask directions.

Drew: I've got news for you, honey. That's a guy thing.

Bex: *fake screams* Augh! *hides her head under a pillow*

Drew: Besides, Dr. Cheechoo's birdsitting for us. Do you want to drive all the way home, now?

Bex: (sarcastically) A two week drive in the wrong direction. Woo. *twirls finger in the air sarcastically*

Zak: Is anyone else as bored as I am?

Bex: YOU'RE bored? I had to spend the whole day teaching Fisk to play Battleship two days ago while you were hung over and YOU'RE bored, Bananaman?

Zak: Hey, the first time I had a hangover, my getting drunk wasn't my fault. I didn't know there was alcohol in the lemonade-

Bex: But when you and Wadi were drunk you knew it was alcohol! You drank it on purpose!

Zak: Did not.

Bex: Did too!

Zak: Did not!

Bex: Did too!

Drew: Enough!

Zak and Bex: Sorry, Mom. *turn on each other* Hey! I thought I told you to stop that! *shove a fist in each other's face* You want a piece of me?

Drew: *shoves them apart* You, outside. *pushes Zak outside* You, stand in the corner. *puts Bex in the corner*

Bex: Seriously? Mom, I'm not five.

Drew: I didn't know you when you were five.

Bex: Touche.

Drew: *goes to find Doc* What's gotten into Bex and Zak? They're not normally like this.

Doc: Sibling rivalry. You don't think they notice when you and Doyle fight? Once you got into a wrestling mach during combat practice when you were supposed to be fighting the battle drones.

Drew: That's different. Doyle and I don't have a telepathic bond.

Doc: Every kid fights with their siblings. They'll get over it. Give them time.

Drew: I hope you're right.

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~Back on the road~

Bex: Would someone please tell Zak to move? His enormous head is blocking my light.

Zak: Would someone please tell Bex that I'm right here and can hear every word she's saying?

Doc: Stay out of it, Drew.

Drew: ...Ok... But I just want them to stop fighting! It's not like them.

Bex: Would someone please be so kind as to tell Zak to shut up?

Zak: Right back at you.

Bex: HA! Ha! You talked! You talked to me! I WIN!

Zak: No! No you don't! This isn't a fight you can win anyway. *crosses arms*

Drew: Can I interfere now?

Doc: (threateningly) DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE! I WILL!

Zak: She started it! *points at Bex*

Bex: He started it! *points at Zak*

Doc: I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT, I'LL FINISH IT!

Drew: What was that about staying out of it?

Doc: Don't quote me on that.

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A/N: This chapter idea is from Blackitten96.


	24. Unfitting Music

A/N: Yes, I know there used to be a different chapter here. I had "writer's I-changed-my mind" and I deleted it. So, please enjoy this lovely one instead.

P.S. Sorry it took so long. I know I normally have chapters up one right after another but I had writer's block too.

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Zak: Are we back in the States yet?

Doc: I'm sorry if you're bored. There's a long line to get across the border.

Bex: *presses face to the window* Look- Niagara Falls!

Drew: Did you know that half of Niagara Falls is in the US and half is in Canada?

Zak: (mutters) Riveting. *rolls eyes*

Fisk: I never got my Canadian bacon.

Drew: Sorry, Fiskerton. We'll come back...

Bex: Sometime that's not now.

Fisk: Hmph. *crosses arms* Meanies.

Zak: *rolls eyes*

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~Later~

Bex: Can we stop for dinner? I'm starving.

Fisk: Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese?

Zak: If DOYLE wouldn't take us there, why would we go now?

Fisk: ...I don't know...

Doc: Zak, stop. Just because you and Bex are fighting doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer.

Drew: I think we all need food. I know how you all get when you're hungry. How about we just stop here? *pulls into parking lot*

Bex: *jumps out of the car* Ooh! This is one of those places that has karaoke!

Fisk: THIS PLACE IS BETTER THAN CHUCK E. CHEESE! *runs inside*

Doc: We'd better follow him and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.

Drew: Are you kidding? For him, just getting out of the car was stupid.

Zak: Follow that Lemurian!

Everybody: *run after Fisk*

Bex: Wooooooow. *looks around* This place is weird looking.

Doc: I suddenly don't want my 12-year-olds in here.

Drew: We can't leave NOW, our 7-foot-tall furry kid's here somewhere.

Bex: You're optimistic today.

Zak: Fisk?

Fisk: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I'm karaoke-ing! *grabs microphone*

Bex: *facepalms* Oh good grief. Tell me I'm dreaming.

Zak: Want me to pinch you?

Bex: *backs up* Back off, dude.

Doc: Enough.

Drew: Fiskerton, get down from-

Fisk: *starts to sing* It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of our rivals. Something, something, something, something, something- AND HE'S WATCHING US ALL WITH THE **EYE** OF THE TIGER!

Zak: He knows I hate that song...

Bex: MY EARS! *falls on the ground* It hurts!

Announcer guy: Excellent! Who's next? *shoves Fisk off the stage* How about you two? *points spotlight at Zak and Bex*

Drew: But they're not-

Announcer guy: Great! *drags Zak and Bex on stage and gives them microphones*

Zak: I don't sing.

Bex: I do! You have a piano? I'll accompany myself!

Announcer guy: Just pick a song, little lady.

Zak: I still don't sing!

Bex: Oh, suck it up. You'd think I'm making you dance like a monkey or something.

Zak: And how do I know you're not?

Bex: *question mark animation pops up over her head*

Zak: See? This proves it- I'm the smart one.

Bex: No you're not! We weren't fighting about that anyway! Ugh. *shoves announcer guy aside and stomps off the stage*

Doc: And where are you going young lady?

Bex: SOMEWHERE THAT ZAK ISN'T!


	25. Flat Tire

Bex: Isn't this like our third flat tire so far?

Drew: This one's not a flat tire, your dad just needed an excuse to get Zak away from you. You haven't stopped arguing since Canada.

Bex: It's not MY fault. He started it.

Drew: I don't care who started it. Finish it. Soon.

Doc: *comes up* We're back.

Drew: Hi boys! How was the museum?

Zak: Lame.

Bex: That's not the only thing around here that is...

Zak: Shut up.

Doc: I thought we talked about this, you two. You'd better get over this before we get to Busch Gardens or we won't go.

Bex: You promised!

Doc: I'm your dad. I can do that.

Zak: That's not fair!

Drew: Life isn't fair.

Doc: Deal with it.

Zak and Bex: *cross arms and turn their backs on each other, scowling*

Zak: Well.. I might've overreacted a little...

Bex: I might've started it...

Zak and Bex: And you are my only human sibling.

Bex: Come here you! *grabs Zak and hugs him*

Drew: Aw, that's what I wanted to hear.

Zak: Bex! Can't breathe!

Bex: *lets go* Right! Right! Sorry.

Drew: I'm so proud of you two! *hugs Zak and Bex*

Bex: Does this mean we can still go to Busch Gardens?

Doc: Are you kidding? We were still going to go, I was just going to make you sit and watch us go on all the rides.

Drew: (accusingly) Doc!

Zak: Dad!

Bex: *laughs*

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A/N: Not my best, I will admit... I couldn't think of a way to both have them make up and be funny at the same time. Don't worry, though. The funny will be back.


	26. Are We There Yet?

Zak, Bex, Fisk and Komodo: *press face to window*

Zak: Red car.

Bex: Grey car.

Fisk: Blue car.

Doc: Are you four really that bored? You've been counting cars since we got on the road this morning.

Komodo: *crosses claws* C'mon, green car. Green car!

Drew: They're that bored.

Zak: Yes! Hundredth red car!

Bex: No fair, cheater! Red isn't even that popular!

Fisk: Yeah, I'm still on fifteen blue cars!

Doc: How about you count something different? Like cows. Let's all count cows.

Drew: We're in the middle of the highway. Where'd you see a cow?

Doc: Nowhere. That's the point.

Zak: I'm hungry.

Fisk: I'm thirsty.

Bex: I have to go to the bathroom!

Komodo: Are we there yet?

Fisk: Komodo's hogging the seat!

Zak: Are we there now?

Komodo: Green car! Yes! How many is that for me? ...Oh yeah. ONE.

Fisk: That doesn't count, it's a truck!

Komodo: We let you count it when you saw that semi with a blue cab!

Fisk: *crosses arms* Totally different.

Bex: Mom, I REALLY have to go. Really bad.

Zak: How about now? Are we there now? How much longer?

Drew: I swear... One of these days I'd like to show them what this feels like.

Doc: Having to listen to this all day?

Drew: *nods*

Doc: I've got an idea. *tells Drew his plan* Think it'll work?

Drew: I hope so. They're driving me insane.

Doc: Good. And, one more thing.

Drew: What?

Doc: Are we there yet?


	27. The Plan

Alarm clock: Beep! Beep! Beep!

Doc: *punches clock so hard it breaks*

Drew: (whispers) What was that for?

Doc: We have to wake up before the kids do for this to work. *he and Drew look at Zak and Bex to see if they're awake*

Zak: *drools slightly*

Bex: *snorts and rolls over* Zzzzzz...

Doc: Ready?

Drew: *nods and starts screaming* What do you mean I'm a worse driver than you?

Doc: You are! I don't need to be as smart as I am to figure that out!

Drew: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO PERFECT!

Doc: I am, thank you.

Zak and Bex: *wake up*

Bex: Mom? Dad?

Zak: What's going on?

Drew: He says he's a better driver than me!

Doc: I'm not saying it. I'M YELLING IT!

Bex: What're you doing? Stop!

Zak: You know, the people on _COPS_ think Mom's a better driver-

Drew: See? Zak agrees with me.

Doc: He's not agreeing with you. The cops don't have a side!

Drew: They do if you don't want to spend all of our money paying off your speeding fines!

Doc: I'd like to see them catch me!

Drew: Would you like to see my fist up your nose?

Bex: *runs over* Stop! Stop fighting!

Drew: (innocently) What fighting, sweetheart?

Doc: We aren't fighting.

Zak: *gets up* Yes, you were.

Bex: Stop it!

Drew: *pretends to check watch* Well will you look at that. We'd better get a move on if we want to cover any ground today.

Doc: Go get ready, you two.

Zak and Bex: *look at each other, shrug and run off*

Drew: (whispers) I think it's working!

Doc: Don't jinx it.

~Later~

Drew: (whispers) Are you sure about this?

Doc: (whispers) Positive. It's just one day, Drew. Trust me.

Drew: Oh, all right...

Bex, Zak and Fisk: *walk up to the car*

Bex: Ready!

Drew: *hands Fisk the keys*

Zak: Mom, what're you doing? Fisk can't drive, he's seven feet tall and covered in fur! The cops'll be on us the second we hit the highway!

Drew: Never stopped you from doing stuff like this before.

Fisk: BOOYAH! *grabs the keys and gets in the car*

Bex: Oh! SHOTGUN! *gets in the passenger's side*

Doc: Looks like that leaves you in the Zone O' Death, Zak.

Zak: What is with you? Did somebody swap yours and Mom's brains with mine and Bex's or something?

Bex: Let's go! We're burnin' daylight!

Zak: *shudders and gets in car*

~A few miles down the road~

Doc: Are we there yet?

Drew: I have to go to the bathroom!

Doc: This is boring!

Drew: Can we stop for burgers?

Doc: What's this do? *plays with the lever that leans his seat back*

Bex: Dad, don't play with that! ...Oh my gosh I sound like Mom.

Zak: You mean normal Mom.

Fisk: We just passed a rest stop. We'll stop at the next one.

Doc: Who wants to count red cars?

Drew: No way, cheater face! Last time you counted stop signs AND red cars, I know you did!

Doc: Stop signs are red. *crosses arms and turns away from Drew*

Drew: (mockingly) "Stop signs are red." *crosses arms and faces the other way*

Bex: Ok, stop. Both of you.

Drew: *tries to say something*

Bex: I KNOW WHO STARTED IT!

Drew: *scowls*

Zak: Do I have to separate you two?

Fisk: Here's a rest stop. Who has to go?

Drew: Me. *gets out and goes in*

Komodo: I want to sit in the front now! *climbs up and sits on Bex's lap*

Bex: Get off me!

Zak: Komodo, get back here.

Komodo: They let dogs stick their head out the window all the time!

Zak: You're a Komodo dragon. There's a difference.

Drew: *comes back* I'm back!

Fisk: Good. Ok, before we leave, is anyone hungry?

Everybody: No.

Fisk: Positive no one else has to go?

Everybody: Yes.

Fisk: Are you-

Doc: Just drive already.

Fisk: Fine! Gosh.

~Later~

Doc: Red one.

Drew: Blue one.

Doc: That doesn't count as a car, it's a camper!

Drew: Yes it does!

Doc: Does not!

Drew: Does too!

Doc: Does not!

Drew: DOES TOO!

Bex: KNOCK IT OFF!

Zak: Ok, ok, we get it! You're acting like us, we're annoying, I get it!

Drew: You finally figured it out.

Doc: You were just making us crazy yesterday-

Drew: All the pointless arguments-

Doc: Screaming at each other, so we figured if you knew what it was like, you'd stop.

Bex: I got news for you, Dad.

Zak: Kids do that.

Bex: It's because we're siblings. We'll get over it.

Zak: As long as you promise not to do that again.

Drew: Do what again?

Zak and Bex: Mom!

Doc: So, what was that earlier about my driving being worse than yours?

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Doc: *swerves and the car starts to spin*

Everybody: Yaaaaah!

Doc: *hits the brakes*

Komodo: AAA! *flies out the window and lands headfirst in a pothole* Mmmm! Mph!

Doc: We're skidding into a ditch! Everybody out!

Everybody: *throws themselves out of the car* AAA!

Car: *skids into a ditch*

Drew: Everyone ok?

Bex: Fine.

Zak: I'm alive.

Fisk: Ow...

Doc: The car's not.

Drew: It's you I'm worried about.

Doc: I'm calling a tow truck.

~Later~

Everybody: *watches the car get pulled out of the ditch*

Bex: Once again, we have proved that Dad shouldn't be allowed to drive.

Zak: Good luck in the passenger's seat. Again. *goes to pull Komodo out of the pothole*


	28. Crazy ExGirlfriend

Bex: How much longer?

Drew: We would know if your father hadn't lost the map.

Doc: Hey, I said that wan't my fault!

Zak: Don't start fighting for real. If you guys fight we'll never get there.

Fisk: CHANGE OF TOPIC!

Bex: So who wants to ride the Gryphon when we get to Busch Gardens?

Zak: I do! It's got like a 90-degree drop!

Bex: Yeah, and they dangle you over the edge before they let you go! And it goes over a river and if you sit in the end seat you get wet!

Zak: Cool...

Drew: What else is there? Don't tell me you're going to make us spend all day on the Gryphon.

Bex: No... Just the first few hours.

Zak: In the front row every time. *evil smile*

Doc: Don't they have four other coasters?

Zak: Yeah, but the Gryphon's the best.

Fisk: *looks out window* Uh, guys? Did you see that?

Zak and Bex: *look out window* See what?

Fisk: ...Nothing. It was probably my imagination.

Zak and Bex: *shrug*

Fisk: *hears something on the roof of the car* Ok, please tell me someone else heard that.

Drew: Heard what- AAAH! *slams on the brakes*

Hobo: *leans in front of windshield from roof of car, smiling like a crazy person*

Saturdays: AAAAAA!

Doc: Don't make eye contact, whatever you do...

Bex: (scared) I think this one's been following us!

Zak: Start driving again. Maybe he'll fall off.

Drew: I can't see the road.

Doc: Start driving anyway.

Drew: *starts driving*

Zak: Why does this always happen to us?

Bex: We are going to die. We. Are all. Going. To DIE.

Doc: Calm down, Bex. He can't get in.

Drew: *speeds up*

Hobo: *screams bloody murder*

Doc: *sticks head out window* Why are you on our car?

Hobo: Running from my ex! She's out to get me!

Doc: Get off!

Hobo: Can't! I tied myself to the roof rack!

Bex: (scared) Moooooom... We've got company!

Drew: *looks in rearview mirror* Who is that?

Doc: *comes in from out the window* His ex-girlfriend. Just try to lose her, maybe if we get lucky he'll get hit by a passing truck and fall off us.

Fisk: *burps minty cloud* Urp. I'm gonna ralph.

Drew: He's gonna what?

Bex: He's gonna call ralph! He's gonna barf! Mom, pull over! *sniffs air* Fiskerton, is that my mouthwash I smell?

Fisk: Noooooo... *gags* Mom, seriously!

Drew: I can't pull over, we're kind of in a car chase!

Hobo: Speed it up! She's gaining!

Doc: Shut up out there!

Zak: SHE'S GOT A CHAINSAW!

Drew: To heck with the speed limit! *floors it* Doc, take the wheel.

Doc: *takes the wheel*

Drew: *pulls out the Firesword and climbs out the window onto the roof*

Hobo: Hey, beautiful. What're you doing up here?

Drew: Less chatting, more cowering in fear. Down!

Hobo: Not the face, not the- *Drew shoves him into the roof of the car*

Bex: *hobo-face-shaped dent appears in the ceiling above her, she screams and flings herself at Zak* AAA!

Zak: Get off me.

Drew: *tries to shoot fireballs at the car behind them but keeps missing* Doc, keep us steady!

Doc: Not as easy as it looks!

Hobo's ex: *stands up out of the sunroof of her car with a gun*

Drew: (growls) You never told me she had a GUN.

Hobo: What, I gotta be a reporter all of the sudden? I ain't no magician, lady! I can't see everything that goes on!

Drew: Oh, just shut your trap and get down. *shoves his head back down*

Fisk: *barfs out the window*

Hobo's ex: *lets go of her steering wheel for a second and loses control of her car, swerving off the road*

Doc: *pulls over*

Everybody: *gets out of the car*

Zak: Is she ok?

Doc: Never mind that. Drew! Are you all right?

Zak: That's what I meant.

Drew: I- I'm fine. *jumps off the car* Not so sure about him, though.

Hobo: Ow... You punch hard.

Drew: Quit your whining and get off our roof rack, you big baby.

Hobo: *falls off the car and does a faceplant in the dirt* Ow...

Zak: *walks over* Hobo's don't have good luck, do they?

Hobo: One more thing we don't have- hi-def TV.

Drew: I didn't even think you could afford the TV itself.

Hobo: Live and learn.

Doc: Well, the good news is your ex-girlfriend's out of your hair for a while.

Hobo: Is there bad news? There usually is.

Doc: I called the cops on you. They're giving you a five-second head start- _startingnowreadysetgo!_

Hobo: AAA! *runs away*

Drew: You didn't really call the cops on him, did you?

Doc: Nah. I just wanted to mess with his head.

Everybody: *gets back in the car*

Zak: How a hobo got a girlfriend I'll never know.

Bex: That's another mystery for the ages. Like how Dr. Beeman's a good guy.

Drew: Now THAT'S a mystery.

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A/N: My sister helped a lot with this chapter, so for the third time in this story I have to thank her. Thank you! :)


	29. Mouthwash

Bex: Has anybody seen my mouthwash?

Drew: Last time I saw it Fiskerton- oh, honestly.

Bex: I KNEW IT! I knew I smelled mouthwash!

Zak: What'd he do?

Bex: He drank it!

Zak: Seriously? Fisk, that's gross!

Fisk: Uh... Temporary insanity?

Doc: Nice try.

Drew: What else have you been eating?

Fisk: Food.

Doc: We expect this kind of thing from Komodo, not you. You're supposed to be the smart one!

Bex: You mean smartER one. Neither of them are that smart.

Fiskerton: Hey! I are smart!

Zak: Do you REALIZE what you just said.

Fisk: *facepalms* _Crap..._

Doc: *points threateningly at Fisk* If you end up drunk, so help me-

Drew: (warningly) Honey... *takes Doc's arm and leads him and Zak away*

Bex: *puts her hands on her hips* Really. My mouthwash. That stuff's nasty even when you don't swallow it! Is your mouth numb or something?

Fisk: *shrugs and grunts*

Bex: *shakes her head and runs after the others*

Komodo: *runs by with a cereal box stuck on his head*

Everybody: *gets in the car*

Zak: Now what'd you eat, Komodo? *pulls the box off his head and turns it upside down* We're out of cereal.

Bex: (sarcastically) Gee, shocker.

Drew: We'll get more, don't freak out.

Bex: I need more mouthwash too.

Drew: I know, I know.

Doc: When we stop for the night, everybody check your things to see if you're missing anything else.

Zak: How does Fisk drinking your mouthwash translate to us missing stuff?

Bex: *shrug*

Fisk: Excuse me for exercising good dental hygiene.

Doc: Using big words isn't going to help you. And you're supposed to spit mouthwash out after you're done washing your mouth!

Drew: OK! OK! Can we all just please drop it? If I hear the word 'mouthwash' one more time in the next twelve hours I'm going to thump whoever said it!

Everybody: *quiet for the next twelve minutes*

Doc: Mouthwash.

Drew: *thumps Doc on the back of the head*


	30. Popcorn and Sharpie

Everybody: *walks out of movie theater*

Doc: So did you like the movie?

Zak and Bex: *pretend to karate chop each other*

Drew: I think they liked it.

Bex: Dude, that was awesome! When he was all like- *punches the air* Hiyah!

Zak: And the other guy went like "Oh no, you got me!" *staggers backward*

Doc: We're in public, you two.

Drew: And it was more like this- *collapses to the ground dramatically* "NOOOOOOOO!"

Doc: *rolls his eyes*

Bex: *giggles*

Zak: Nice, Mom. *helps Drew up*

Bex: You think I can do that thing the kid in the movie did where he kicked his leg up over his head and rang the bell with his foot?

Zak: Five bucks says you can't.

Bex: Five bucks says I can.

Zak: On! *runs off*

Bex: *chases Zak* Wait up, cheater!

Drew: Hey, hey, you two. No martial arts in the parking lot!

Doc: How can she do that in a skirt?

Drew: *shakes head* I don't even know.

Everybody: *gets in the car*

Doc: What now? Dinner?

Bex: Ugh, no.

Zak: Too much popcorn.

Drew: I told you two not to get the biggest size popcorn they had!

Bex: You told us not to GET it.

Zak: You didn't tell us not to EAT it.

Drew: Do I have to spell everything out for you?

Doc: What do you want to do then?

Fisk: *sits up in the backseat* Keep it down up there. I got a headache.

Drew: How'd you get a headache? You've been in the car all day!

Fisk: I don' know... It might have something to do with the fact that I've been sniffing a Sharpie since you left.

Drew: (accusingly) Fiskerton!

Zak: No wonder he's got a headache, he's been Sharpie high this whole time!

Bex: *laughs* That's almost as funny as you drunk!

Fisk: I don't get the big deal about not sniffing them. All they do is smell funky. *sniffs Sharpie*

Zak: Don't do that! You'll get high again!

Bex: Too late.

Fisk: *uncaps a whole pack of Sharpies and sniffs them*

Doc: Fiskerton!

Fisk: Y'know... If I wasn't me... I could be somebody else that's not me!

Drew: I am NOT driving all night with a high Lemurian in the car.

Doc: It would probably take all night for it to wear off anyway. Let's find a hotel-

Zak: And lock Fisk in the car all night.

Drew: We can't do that, he'll hotwire it and drive off!

Bex: So, what, when we're there you pretend he's your son with a freakish hair disorder?

Zak: That's technically what he is.

Fisk: Hey, my hair's not freakish!

Doc: He can just climb in the window.

~Later~

Bex: *opens the window*

Zak: *whistles*

Bex: Fisk! That was the signal!

Fisk: Oh. *jumps up and grabs the edge of the window* Little help here.

Doc: *pulls Fisk in* Sorry, Fiskerton. All of the ground floor rooms were taken.

Fisk: Yeah, whatever.

Drew: Sleep now, apologize later.

Everybody: *goes to bed*

~A few minutes later~

Fisk: *sits up and gets out a Sharpie, laughing evilly*

~The Next Morning~

Drew: *wakes up and goes into the bathroom* AAAAAAAA!

Zak: *sits up* Mom? What's wrong?

Drew: I have a mustache!

Doc: *gets up and goes over to Drew* Drew, calm down. It's just marker.

Bex: Marker?

Everybody: Fiskerton...

Fisk: *snores a little and rolls over*

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A/N: Sorry for the wait, I had writer's block.

This chapter combines two ideas that I didn't make up myself. The idea for the Saturdays going to the movies came from DarkDrago. The idea for Fisk getting Sharpie high is from stormygirl335.


	31. Emergency Snacks

Zak: Remind me again why we had to eat at the fanciest place in town.

Doc: Because it's your sister's turn to pick where we go for dinner and there aren't any hamburger places within ten miles of us.

Drew: Besides, you can't eat burgers your entire life. You never know, this could be fun.

Bex: I just wish we had something better to wear. Everybody here's better dressed than us!

Zak: There's always that Chuck E. Cheese we passed on the way here...

Doc and Drew: We are NOT going to Chuck E. Cheese.

Bex: I never said I wanted to leave, I just said I wish we'd packed nicer clothes.

Drew: Well, there's no use complaining about it now. We're here.

Doc: Places like this don't usually allow Komodo dragons in, do they?

Drew: I've NEVER been to a restaurant that would let Komodo in. Why?

Doc: *points*

Drew: Komodo!

Zak: What's he doing in here?

Bex: Raiding the lobster tank.

Komodo: *sticks his head in the aquarium and tries to eat the fish*

Manager: Whose lizard is this?

Zak: *grabs Komodo's tail and pulls* Komodo, knock it off!

Bex: You're gonna get us kicked out!

Manager: You're already kicked out. Take your pet monster and leave!

Doc: *pulls Komodo out of the fish tank*

Drew: *steers Zak and Bex outside*

Bex: Ugh, I can't BELIEVE this family some days! Can't we go ANYWHERE without causing problems?

Doc: Apparently not.

Bex: Bad boy, Komodo. Bad, bad dragon!

Komodo: I just wanted some dinner!

Drew: We were going to bring you something!

Zak: I'm still hungry. Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese NOW?

Bex: What do you mean you're _still_ hungry? We didn't eat anything.

Doc: Again, we are NOT going to Chuck E. Cheese.

Drew: You said it yourself, honey. There's no burger places for ten miles.

Doc: Then we'll drive the ten miles. It won't take that long.

~Half an Hour Later~

Bex: "Won't take that long," huh?

Doc: How was I supposed to know there'd be traffic?

Drew: Ok, nobody freak out. I stashed some emergency snacks under the back seat.

Bex: How do you know Komodo didn't eat those too?

Zak: *looks under the back seat* I don't see any snacks. All I see is a... Are they in a metal box thing?

Drew: That's it. I asked when I bought it- It's fire, water, insect and Komodo dragon-proof.

Zak: Nice. *opens box* Sweet! Dibs on the trail mix!

Doc: *raises eyebrow*

Drew: What? I said they were _emergency _snacks. I'll restock when we stop.

Bex: Hand me the granola bars, I'm starving.

Fisk: Hey, fishy crackers! *grabs*

Komodo: *licks the seat* I'm still trying to get the taste of seafood out of my mouth. Keep that away from me.

Doc: I thought you liked seafood.

Komodo: Not that kind!

Bex: Snack? *hands Doc the box*

Doc: *opens a granola bar and starts eating it*

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A/N: This chapter idea is from ZakSaturdayFan.


	32. Skool Daze

Cop: (through loudspeaker) Pull over.

Drew: *pulls over* What now?

Cop: Ma'am, are there children in your car?

Drew: Of course there are. We're on a family vacation.

Bex: *facepalm* Tell him where we live, why don't you.

Cop: Your children are skipping school.

Drew: No they're not.

Doc: We homeschool.

Zak: ...Really? I just thought we didn't have to go.

Bex: *throws her arms in the air* YOU'RE TELLING HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO HEAR! HE'S THE TRUANT OFFICER!

Cop: She's right. As long as they're under eighteen, they're going to have to go to school.

Zak: Ohhhh, NOW I get it...

Bex: Do you? Do you really?

Doc: Quiet, you two.

Drew: Are you sure they have to go?

Cop: Positive. National law.

Drew: *looks at Doc*

Doc: It IS the law...

~A Few Hours Later~

Drew: *kisses Zak* Got everything? Lunch, books...

Zak: Yeah, Mom.

Drew: *kisses Bex* What about you? Are you sure you packed everything?

Bex: Yeah, Mom.

Doc: We'd better get them inside. Class starts in ten minutes.

Bex: *grabs Doc's hand*

Everybody: *goes inside*

Doc: This is the place.

Drew: It doesn't look so bad.

Zak: Looks too... Kindergarten-y.

Bex: Are you sure you put us in fifth grade?

Doc: Yes!

Teacher: *opens door* Hello! You must be our new students.

Drew: *pushes Zak forward* This is Zak.

Teacher: Nice to meet you, sweetheart.

Bex: *hugs Doc*

Doc: Honey, you're going to have to let go of me. I can't go in with you.

Bex: Do I have to go?

Drew: Yes.

Zak: Come on, I'll be there.

Bex: Fine.

Teacher: You two can sit in these desks. We're working on long division today. If you're a little behind, don't worry. You'll catch up.

Zak and Bex: *look at each other and raise one eyebrow*

Bex: Dad's SURE he put us in fifth.

Zak: Just go with it. At least we don't have to be in middle school for the day.

Bex: Good point. Long division it is!

~Later~

Zak: *opens his lunch bag* I hope Mom didn't put a note in my lunch.

Bex: What kind of sandwich did she give you? I got peanut butter and jelly.

Zak: *looks at his sandwich* Egg salad.

Bex: Wanna trade halves?

Zak: Sure. *hands Bex half his sandwich*

Random kid: FOOD FIGHT! *throws his Jello*

Zak: Get down! *he and Bex duck under the table*

Everybody else: *throws food everywhere*

Bex: *starts eating her sandwich* Are you gonna drink your juice pouch?

~Later~

Zak: Of course we had to show up on _Spelling Bee Day._

Bex: What's my word?

Teacher: Distraction. You have to use it in a sentence and spell it.

Bex: Distraction- d-i-s-r-a-c-t-i-o-n. My brother is being a distraction to the people around him.

Zak: Hey!

Bex: Well you are.

~Later~

Zak and Bex: *run outside*

Drew: Hey, what's the rush?

Doc: Who's chasing you?

Bex: Don't EVER make us go back there.

Zak: *gets in the car* Let's go. To the next state if possible!

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A/N: This idea is from stormygirl335.


	33. Okay Then

Bex: *stares boredly out window*

Zak: What's with you?

Bex: I don't know... I was- Did you see what I just saw there?

Zak: Was that green trenchcoat?

Doc: You two get in the car! The Greymen are on our tail!

Bex: The "_Greymen?"_

Zak: Epsilon's people. They're nasty, even when they're trying to be nice.

Drew: Let's go!

Zak and Bex: *run for the car*

Francis: *drops from the sky in front of Zak* Where do you think you're going?

Zak: Somewhere you're not.

Bex: Hey, that's my line from the karaoke place!

Francis: You must be Rebekka, then.

Bex: My name's BEX! Wait... How'd you even know that?

Francis: I read your file.

Bex: Hey, I've got a file! *points at herself*

Zak: I've been through the "File" speech before. Everybody's got one.

Bex: (sarcastically) Aw darn, and here I thought I was special.

Zak: So what the heck are you doing here?

Francis: We've decided to re-offer Kur a chance to be trained by our people. ALL of Kur.

Zak: *steps in front of Bex* Not happening.

Bex: Um, hey, do I get a say in this?

Francis: Did I mention that this time, I'm_ allowed _to beat you into submission?

Zak: You can try.

Francis: I will then.*starts fighting with Zak*

Doc, Drew and Epsilon: *run over*

Doc: Zak!

Epsilon: Francis, stop!

Francis: Why?

Drew: You're beating on Zak, that's why.

Epsilon: We're trying to recruit him, not hurt him.

Bex: *shoves Francis away* Get lost, freak. *helps Zak up*

Epsilon: Why did you do that?

Francis: He baited me!

Bex: He said "You can try."

Doc: So what you're trying to say is Zak started it.

Epsilon: Of course he did. The boy can't control his emotions!

Doc: Really. You know, I can control my emotions. And right now, I'm controlling them into anger. *punches Epsilon*

Drew: Doc!

Epsilon: *punches Doc*

Bex: Come on, Dad! Get him back! You can take him!

Drew: Do NOT encourage him, young lady.

Random Agent #1: *comes up behind Epsilon* Agent Epsilon.

Epsilon: What?

Random Agent #1: I have orders to take you back to base.

Epsilon: What for?

Random Agent #1: Headquarters wants to have a talk with you. Apparently, you feel too much.

Zak: Having feelings is a crime for them.

Bex: Oh.

Random Agent #1: Take him in.

Random Other Agents: *drag Epsilon and Francis away*

Random Agent #1: Please return to your day as usual. *runs after the other agents*

Zak: O... 'Kay... then...

Bex: Back away slowly...

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A/N: This chapter idea is from Barney will die. :) DEATH TO THE DINOSAUR!


	34. I Saw a Rat

Zak: So... What do we do now?

Fisk: I'm bored.

Komodo: I'm hungry.

Bex: I'm hot. Doesn't this car have A/C?

Doc: It does, it's just broken.

Zak: Can't you fix it?

Doc: I'll fix it when we stop for the night.

Bex: Dad! Please! Fix it soon. I think my face is melting.

Drew: We're stopping now.

Doc: Why?

Drew: She's right, Doc. It's too hot to keep going. I'll go get us a room at a hotel that has a pool, and you can fix the air conditioner while we're swimming.

Zak: Cool!

Doc: Don't you remember the last time our hotel had a pool?

Bex: Zak was drunk that time. Totally different.

Zak: Yeah, I'm over that.

Drew: We can handle it this time. Trust me.

~Later~

Zak and Bex: WOOOOOOOO! *run down the hall*

Drew: Hey, hey, wait up! The pool'll still be there if you slow down!

Doc: I don't want to fix the car. I want to go swimming with you.

Drew: *shrugs* Sorry. You should've thought of that before you let the A/C break.

Bex: Mom, come on!

Drew: *kisses Doc* Good luck honey. *runs after Zak and Bex* I'm coming!

Zak: *runs into the pool* CANNONBALL! *jumps in*

Bex: COWABUNGA DUDE! *jumps in after Zak*

Doc: *sighs and goes outside to fix the car*

~Later~

Doc: *under the car* Wrench. *holds out his hand*

Fisk: Wrench. *gives Doc the wrench*

Doc: Screwdriver. *holds out his hand*

Fisk: Screwdriver. *hands Doc the screwdriver*

Doc: Sandwich. *comes out from under the car*

Fisk: *hands Doc his sandwich* Sandwich.

Komodo: Why can't we go swimming with Mom and Zak and Bex?

Doc: Because you two aren't allowed in the hotel and I'm supposed to be fixing the air conditioning on the car.

Fisk: How's that going?

Doc: I'm probably just making it worse. *takes a bite of sandwich*

Fisk: Next time you could just take it to a mechanic.

Doc: We don't own this car. Why would we spend that kind of money on it?

Fisk: *shrug*

Doc: *rips off another chunk of sandwich* I'd better get working again. *goes back under the car*

~Later~

Drew: Doc. DOC.

Doc: *sits up* Huh? What happened?

Drew: You fell asleep when you were working on the car. Fisk brought you inside.

Fisk: *waves* You're welcome.

Zak: *pounds on the bathroom door* Bex, hurry up in the shower!

Doc: What time is it?

Drew: Almost ten.

Doc: Ten PM?

Drew: You didn't think I was going to leave you out in the parking lot all night.

Bex: *in the bathroom* ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! Keep your shirt on, I'm coming out! *comes running out* AAAAA!

Doc: What's wrong?

Bex: A RAT! I SAW A RAT!

Zak: Cool! *runs into the bathroom*

Komodo: Yum! *follows Zak*

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A/N: My sister helped a bit with the last few lines of this chapter. Why she insisted I add that Bex saw a rat I have no idea.


	35. Dream On

Zak: I'm hungry.

Bex: Me too. When can we stop?

Doc: We were just at a rest stop five minutes ago. Weren't you hungry then?

Drew: Leave them alone, honey.

Zak: Rest stop food is gross. You said it yourself.

Fisk: SO TRUE.

Drew: Ok, there's a burger joint up ahead. Should I stop there?

Bex: We always go to burger joints.

Zak: Yeah, but last time we went to a sit-down place Komodo raided the lobster tank.

Komodo: Hey, it wasn't the lobster tank! I learned my lesson with lobsters after that time we were in Maine.

Bex: *raises eyebrow*

Zak: *blank expression* Long story.

Drew: Looks like we're stopping here then. *pulls into parking lot*

Everybody: *gets out*

Doc: Get back in the car, Fiskerton.

Fisk: Fine. *gets back in*

Drew: You too, Komodo.

Komodo: *sighs and gets back in*

Doc: *leads everybody inside*

~Later~

Bex: This is actually fun!

Doc: *smiles* Really. I hadn't noticed it was fun to spend time with my family.

Bex: *laughs and shoves Doc* No, I mean we're actually being SANE for the first time on this trip.

Zak: Yeah... *takes a bite of his cheeseburger*

Drew: Well, one of us is enjoying it.

Zak: I said I was hungry and I was!

Bex: There's nothing bad about that. Unless you're Fiskerton and there's a big bag of candy nearby.

Doc: *raises an eyebrow at Drew*

Drew: Don't worry, I locked anything that could cause a problem in the emergency snack box.

Zak: Anyway, we finished all the candy we got three days after we got it.

Bex: C'mon, Dad. Lighten up.

Drew: *kisses Doc* I told you this wouldn't be so bad.

Doc: I guess you're right. *looks over at Zak* It's your turn to pick the side trip tomorrow, Zak. What should we do?

Zak: There's a new exhibit at the science center in the next city.

Doc: *laughs and ruffles Zak's hair* Like father, like son, huh?

Zak: *smiles*

Bex: Ooh, yeah! The exhibit's about static electricity, right?

Zak: Yeah, and they've got that experiment that makes your hair stand up.

Bex: Psh. *waves hand* I can do that already.

Drew: You can make your hair stand up?

Bex: Yep! Watch. *screams like a girl in a horror movie about to get eaten by a monster*

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Bex: *screams*

Doc: *starts and sits up* Huh? What's going on?

Drew: Just your average Saturday family road trip. *sighs*

Zak: Gimme back my pillow! *pulls on pillow*

Fisk: *pulls on other side of pillow* You're not asleep so you're not using it! Anyway, I don't have one. SO FORK IT OVER, SHORTY!

Komodo: I'm hungry! Can we stop soon?

Bex: It was just there, the biggest spider I've ever seen! I swear I'm not exaggerating! *points* There it is! KILL IT FISK KILL IT!

Fisk: Where?

Bex: THERE! *points*

Drew: YOU FOUR ARE GOING TO MAKE ME CRAZY! WILL YOU ALL JUST STOP SCREAMING FOR ONE LOUSY DAY?

Fisk: I saw it! *swats* Did I get him?

Bex: Ow! You swatted me!

Zak: Komodo's chewing my sneakers!

Komodo: I need a bathroom break!

Doc: *sighs* It was just a dream.

Drew: What was just a dream?

Doc: Nothing. *twists around in his seat* KEEP IT DOWN BACK THERE!

Bex, Komodo, Zak and Fisk: *stunned silence*

Bex: Ok, no need to roar at us.

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A/N: My sister gave me the idea for this chapter.


	36. Drunk and Karaoke

Drew: Oh my gosh, I love this song! *turns the radio up* They haven't played it in forever!

Zak: Yeah... There's probably a reason for that.

Drew: And what's that supposed to mean?

Bex: Are you actually listening to it? It sounds like the Secret Scientists all got drunk and started singing drunken karaoke!

Zak: Not all it's cracked up to be, let me tell you.

Drew, Doc and Bex: *stare at Zak*

Zak: I was drunk, remember?

Bex: I don't remember there being karaoke involved.

Fisk: You don't wanna. Trust me, you don't.

Drew: It does not sound like drunken karaoke! Doc, back me up.

Doc: I'm taking the fifth on this one.

Drew: *scowls*

~Later~

Zak: How exactly did we end up stopping at another karaoke place?

Drew: Ask Super-Navigator.

Doc: I told you, we don't have a map of this part of the country.

Bex: What about a GPS?

Doc: Your mother said no.

Drew: It's a road trip, not a rolling tech center.

Doc: *sigh*

Drew: We're here, so we might as well make the best of it. Who's hungry?

Zak and Bex: Me!

Karaoke announcer: All right, ladies and gentlemen! It's the time you've all been waiting for- Time to shake your groove thing! Who's our lucky victim I MEAN SINGER?

Doc: (quietly) Everybody duck! Stay out of the spotlight.

Saturdays: *duck*

Karaoke announcer: How about you?

Guy in spotlight: Who, me?

Karaoke announcer: Get up here! And bring your pretty friend with you.

Guy in spotlight: *comes on stage*

Doc: *takes a sip of water, then looks up at the stage and does a spit take* Is that Dr. Beeman?

Bex: Ew... There's spit on me.

Drew: ALL the Secret Scientists are here!

Zak: Are they all drunk?

Doc: They are. *points at stage*

Bex: Dr. Grey?

Drew: Miranda's drunk? Oh, this is bad.

Doc: We need to get them out of here before they do something stupid.

Zak: They're drunk. It's kind of too late for that.

Doc: Good point.

Bex: Can we watch them make idiots out of themselves before we get involved?

Drew: Devil child. *hugs Bex* I love you.

Bex: Still got spit on me.

Zak: There's worse things to be covered in.

Bex: *shudders*

Doc: Ok, one song. Then we have to get them out of here.

Drew: What is it they're singing? I can't tell.

Bex: Are you sure they've even started singing yet?

Zak: They have. There's music playing.

Doc: Is that supposed to be "Shake Your Groove Thing?"

Saturdays: *look at each other, then burst out laughing*

Bex: *pounds the table* Hahahaha...

Drew: I wish we brought a camera!

Zak: We can jack it off the security cameras and blackmail them with it!

Doc: Zak, blackmail is illegal. We'll need someone to do it who doesn't care if they get arrested. *smirks*

Bex: I'll call Uncle Doyle!

Saturdays: *laugh harder*

Bex: *hiccups* Holy crap, are WE drunk?

Zak: I don't know...

Drew: Ok, if I can't walk in a straight line, we're drunk. *tries to walk in a straight line and falls over*

Bex: *goes pink in the face and starts giggling*

Drew: *hiccup* We're drunk.

Doc: How'd we get drunk?

Zak: I don't know... I really don't.

Dr. Grey: Doc! Drew! Over here! *waves*

Saturdays: *go over and sit at the table with the rest of the Secret Scientists*

Doc: This is weird.

Dr. Beeman: The fact that we're all drunk, or the fact that we're all at the same place, drunk?

Doc: Both.

Dr. Cheeveyo: (uninterested) That's great. Fascinating. Who wants a beer?

Secret Scientists: *raise their hands*

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A/N: Just for the record, I don't know how they got drunk either.

This chapter idea is from JustFreedom.


	37. I'm on Caffeine!

~In a hotel room somewhere (hopefully) very far away from the karaoke bar~

Bex: *sits up* Mph... I had the WORST dream...

Zak: Was it the one where you're drowning in a giant vat of pudding?

Bex: YOU dreamed that one.

Zak: Right. What kind of pudding is it I always drown in?

Bex: Chocolate, I think. So, anyway, I dreamed we all got drunk, and Dr. Beeman and Dr. Grey sang drunken karaoke, and Dad did a spit take on me, and-

Zak: That happened two days ago.

Bex: *flops over* How the heck long have I been asleep?

Zak: Long enough for me to drag you out to the car. Then you woke up for about five seconds, then you passed out.

Bex: Why?

Zak: I won't go into detail, but it involved Fisk's-

Bex: TMI! TMI!

Drew: *comes in and turns on the light* Well, look who's awake!

Bex: ARGH, MOM! The light hurts! *claws at nothing in particular and falls off the bed*

Drew: Good morning, drama queen. *opens the curtains* Who wants breakfast?

Zak: I do.

Drew: Get dressed. We're getting back on the road today so your dad's out getting donuts.

Zak: You're sure that's a good idea?

Bex: Yeah, we don't do great with donuts. Glazed ones, anyway.

Drew: He'll come to his senses. Now get your behind into your skirt, young lady! You've been in your pajamas for two days.

Bex: Ok, ok! *gets up and goes into the bathroom to change*

~Later~

Doc: *comes in* I've got breakfast!

Zak: Awesome. I'm starving.

Bex: *scratches head* I'm having a brainfart. Is this belt yours or mine?

Zak: Since when do you wear a belt?

Bex: *thinks for a second* ...Good point. Here. *hands Zak his belt*

Zak: *puts his belt on*

Doc: I think you need something to eat.

Bex: What'd you get? Ooh, donuts! *grabs a donut*

Drew: I thought I told you to get something else.

Zak: Dibs on the one with sprinkles!

Doc: It'll be fine, Drew. *shows her the donut box* I got the cream-filled kind...

Drew: *tries to look like she doesn't care*

Doc: *shrugs and puts the box down*

Drew: *does snake eyes and grabs a cream-filled donut*

Fisk: What, no jelly donuts?

Doc: How'd you get in here?

Fisk: I'm magic, Dad. I'm magic.

Doc: Really.

Fisk: *keeps a straight face* Really.

Zak and Bex: Back away slowly...

~Later~

Bex: *jumps out of the car and starts running*

Drew: *gets out* Bex! No running in the parking lot!

Doc: Young lady, you get back here!

Bex: *keeps running* YEEHAW!

Zak: Even I don't know what's wrong with her.

Bex: *runs circles around the others* SorryeverybodyI'mjustsohypertodayIcan'tsitstill I'M ON CAFFEINE!

Drew: You're on... caffeine?

Doc: Who let Bex have coffee?

Bex: *does a cartwheel* WHEEEE! *keeps running in circles*

Zak: Hey, at least it's not alcohol again.

Drew: Honey, stop flipping. You're wearing a skirt!

Bex: *runs in circles* AAH!

Doc: *catches Bex and puts her under his arm*

Bex: Hey, put me down! *squirms*

Doc: *puts Bex in the car and shuts the door*

Drew: Doc! That's your daughter, not a dog!

Bex: *presses her face on the window and makes faces at Doc and Drew*

Drew: On second thought, who wants lunch?

Everybody: *walks off*

Bex: *yells and pounds on the window*

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A/N: I know it's been forever (like, two weeks, gasp) since I updated, but here it is! Finally!

P.S: They do eventually let Bex out of the car.


	38. Doc Likes Waffles

Zak: *blinks his eyes open* Mph? Why are we still in the car?

Drew: Traffic. *lets her head drop onto the steering wheel*

Doc: As soon as we get out of it, we'll go to a hotel or something. As soon as we get out of it.

Zak: Whatever. *goes back to sleep*

~Later~

Zak: Sis, wake up. *shakes Bex*

Bex: *swats Zak's hand away and rolls over*

Doc: Let her go. If she wants to miss breakfast, she'll miss breakfast.

Bex: *sits up* Food? Awesomesauce. I'm awake.

Drew: And I called Komodo a bottomless pit. *rolls eyes*

Bex: We spent the whole night asleep in our seats in the car! Of course I'm hungry!

Zak: How does that... never mind.

Bex: Komodo ate all the snacks.

Zak: Oh.

~Later than that~

Bex: *forks a pancake and shoves the entire thing in her mouth at once*

Drew: Save some for the rest of us.

Bex: *swallows her pancake* Sorry. I'm STARVING!

Zak: I'm hungry too!

Bex: You've got arms! Get yourself some.

Zak: YOU'RE EATING ALL THE PANCAKES!

Doc: Stop yelling, son.

Drew: It's before ten o'clock, honey. Give them a chance to wake up.

Random announcer person guy: Ok everybody! Who knows what today is?

Everybody: Umm...

Random announcer person guy: It's WAFFLE WEDNESDAY!

Everybody: Uh, ok...

Music: Do you like waffles?

Everybody: Yeah we like waffles.

Music: Do you like pancakes?

Everybody: Yeah we like pancakes!

Music: Do you like french toast?

Everybody: Yeah we like french toast!

Zak: Is anyone else hearing that?

Bex: It's Wednesday?

Drew: You picked a restaurant that has _Waffle Wednesday?_

Doc: *guilty smile* Um.. Who wants a waffle?

~Even later~

Fisk: Zak, are you ok? You look like you're gonna hork.

Zak: I feel like I'm gonna hork. *gags* Ugh... Too many waffles...

Bex: I never wanna see another pancake for as long as I live.

Komodo: Is it bad if you burp and it tastes like french toast?

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A/N: YAY IT'S THE WAFFLE SONG!


	39. Songfictypething

A/N: If something in this chapter's written in italics, that means the character's singing it.

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*James-Bond-style guitar music starts playing*

Fisk: _Doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee..._

Singer guy: _There's a man who lives a life of danger._

Drew: *trips over Komodo, who's sleeping right in front of her*

Singer guy: _To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger..._

Zak: I'm right here. I can hear EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING!

Singer guy: _With every move he makes, another chance he takes. Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow._

Doc: *steers the car into a ditch*

Bex: *shoves the singer guy aside and jacks the microphone* _Secretive Agenty Type Guys! Secretive Agenty Type Guys! We're not exactly secret but you bet we're gonna try!_

Fisk: _Doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee..._

Bex: _Beware of- Uh, something something something..._

Fisk: _Do do doodee doodee doodee do..._

Bex: _Something, something, something, something, something else!_

Zak: Real smooth, sis.

Bex: _I know if I thought really hard, that this song would have a lot more words. But I didn't wanna, so now I'm gonna sing the chorus again: Secretive Agenty Type Guys! Secretive Agenty Type Guys! We're not exactly secret but you bet we're gonna try!_

Fisk: _Doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee..._

Drew: GUITAR SOLO! *starts playing air guitar*

Zak and Bex: GO MOM GO!

Bex: _Secretive Agenty Type Guys! Secretive Agenty Type Guys! We're not exactly secret but you bet we're gonna try!_

Fisk: _Doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee..._

Bex: _Singin' drunken karaoke one day, then getting lost at Sea World the next day!_

Doc: We've been to Sea World?

Drew: If we haven't, we're going to!

Bex: _Let's sing it one more time, the chorus of this song, so I don't have to find a rhyme for Sea World. _Everybody now!

Everybody: _Secretive Agenty Type Guys! Secretive Agenty Type Guys! We're not exactly secret but you bet we're gonna try!_

Fisk: _Doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee doodee do do._

Everybody: _SECRETIVE AGENTY TYPE GUYS! _*music ends*

Bex: WOO! *throws her arms in the air*

Doc: You know what? That was kinda fun.

Drew: I told you so.

Zak: See? This trip isn't all bad.

Bex: Just mostly.

Zak: *scowls at Bex*

Bex: *"innocent little angel" smile*

Komodo: *wakes up* What'd I miss?

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A/N: TA-DA!

Well, what'd you think? I did most of that by myself. It's a parody of "Secret Agent Man" by Johnny Rivers. I call mine "Secretive Agenty Type Guys". (You probably wouldn't have EVER guessed that. *rolls eyes*) The two things that the singer guy says before Bex shoves him out of the way are the original lyrics, the rest is mine.

Also, they ARE going to Sea World. Eventually.

R&R!


	40. Batpeople

Bex: Hmm. Blindfolded and you won't tell us where you're taking us. Why does this seem familiar?

Zak: Is it another candy store? That would be awesome.

Bex: Ooh! Ooh! _Is_ it a candy store?

Doc: *laughs* No, but I think you'll like this place just as much. Drew, pull in here. *points*

Drew: *parks the car* Ok, get out.

Bex: *pulls off her blindfold* Why are we at the convention center?

Zak: *gasp* COMIC-CON!

Drew: It's not Busch Gardens, but we're getting there.

Doc: Slowly.

Bex: Hey, wouldn't it be funny if we dressed up as, like, Bat-family or something?

Drew: *pulls a box out of the trunk*

Bex: YOU'RE FREAKIN' PSYCHIC. Dibs on Batgirl! *pulls her costume out of the box*

Zak: I'm Robin!

Drew: Slow down, you two.

Doc: Wouldn't it have been better if we had our costumes on already?

Drew: *gives Doc The Look*

Bex: Oooooooooh, Dad's gonna get it...

~Twenty uncomfortable minutes later~

Drew: Everybody happy?

Bex: This. Is. AWESOMESAUCE! *pulls on her mask*

Zak: Cool! *tuns around in circles trying to see the back of his cape*

Doc: I still think we could have been Super-family.

Drew: There aren't as many Super-people. Besides, I like the ears. Put your hood up.

Doc: *sighs and pulls his hood up* Now you put yours on.

Drew: *puts on her mask*

Bex: Mom, you were made to be Batwoman.

Drew: See? They like it.

Doc: Fine. Let's go in.

Everybody but Zak: *walks off*

Drew: *reaches back, grabs the back of Zak's cape and drags him away*

Zak: HEY! *claws at the air*

~Inside~

Doc: I don't think I've ever had a security guard ask me to take my cape off before.

Bex: *stares at the ceiling* OMG THE BATWAVE.

Zak: Holy illegal, Batman! There's crime afoot. *heroic pose*

Bex: *snort*

Zak: *scowl*

Bex: *whistles innocently*

Drew: Ok, ok. *steps between Zak and Bex* Who wants to go look at the Justice League action figures?

Zak and Bex: *wave their hands in the air* Me!

Drew: What about you, Doc? *looks around* Doc?

Doc: Over here! *waves*

Bex: OMG, is that a-

Doc: -Grappling hook gun.

Zak, Bex and Drew: *run over*

Zak: That. Is. So. COOL! *picks up a grappling hook gun and looks at it*

Drew: I think we need one of these.

Bex: Can't Dad build one though?

Zak: But who knows when we're going to be at Comic-Con again?

Bex: *thinks* Good point.

Loudspeaker: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE STAGE! I GIVE YOU THE ONE AND ONLY **BATMAN!**

Bex: So not the real Batman.

Zak: Yeah, Dad's costume is better than his!

Drew: I don't know... It looks realistic to me...

Bex: *out of the corner of her mouth to Zak* And she said DAD was half blind.

Zak: *snickers*

Drew: *puts her hands on her hips* I heard that.

Bex: Eep!

Doc: That guy looks like the real Batman to me. *points*

Zak: He's good.

Bex: Yeah, he's even doing the Batman attitude.

Batman guy: Remind me why I'm here again.

Flash guy: Lighten up, Bats. You need to get out of your cave once in a while. *gets thrown aside as the wall next to them explodes* Agh!

Batman guy: Joker!

Joker: Hey, Batsy! Fancy meeting you here. *crazy laughter*

Doc: Think they need a hand?

Zak and Bex: *look at each other and smile* Sweet.

Drew: Let's go!

Everybody: *runs up to Joker*

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A/N: We interrupt this action sequence to bring you a public service announcement!

As suggested by stormygirl335, the characters "Batman guy," "Flash guy," and "Joker" are the REAL Batman, Flash and Joker. Joker is considered dangerous and if he attacks anywhere near you, do not I repeat DO NOT approach him. Alert the local authorities or Secret Scientist immediately (unless you live in Peru. Then you can die for all Beeman cares).

We now return to your regularly scheduled mayhem. Have a nice day! *smiley*

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Everybody: *runs up to Joker*

Joker: You think a bunch of people dressed as flying rats can stop me? You're loonier than I am! *crazy laughter*

Bex: Flying rats might not be able to take you down...

Zak: But you never said anything about BIRDS! Yah! *flying kick at Joker's head*

Joker: *catches Zak by the ankle and turns him upside down* Bad move, Boy Blunder.

Doc: Now!

Drew: *runs up and punches Joker in the face*

Joker: *drops Zak and stumbles backwards*

Bex: *knocks Joker's feet out from under him*

Joker: Whoa! *falls over and tries to get back up*

Doc: *punches Joker on the head*

Batman: Save some bad guy for me! *runs up, pulls Joker out of the pile of broken wall chunks by his shirt, tosses him up in the air and punches him as he comes down*

Flash: *runs Joker to Gotham, drops him off at the police station in handcuffs, salutes to Commissioner Gordon and runs back*

Zak and Bex: Let's do that again!

Drew: We'd better leave that kind of bad guy for Batman. We've got our own hero stuff to do.

Doc: That was fun, though.

Batman: Thanks for the assist. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were used to doing things like that.

Bex: Well... Not like THAT, exactly.

Zak: But we know bad guys.

Batman: *checks his Batwave communicator* Duty calls. *walks a few steps away, then turns to Doc* By the way, nice costume. *shoots a grappling hook and ziplines away*

Flash: *smiles and runs after Batman*

Drew: We are SO getting one of those grappling hook guns.


	41. Bananaman IV: Partners in Insanity

Doc: Somehow I don't think we're going the right way.

Zak: *looks out the window and sees an apple orchard go by* Really? I didn't notice.

Bex: No dip.

Drew: *sighs* Fine. Why don't we pull over and ask for directions then?

Doc: Drew, come on...

Drew: *gives him the evil eye*

Doc: Directions. Right.

Bex: I don't see anybody around. Not even a house or a dog or anything.

Zak: I see a bunch of fruit...

Bex: *leans up between the front seats and whispers to Doc and Drew* FRUIT! RED ALERT!

Zak: I've got ears!

Drew: We'll be fine as long as we stay away from-

Doc: Bananas.

Drew: Exactly.

Doc: No, bananas! NOBODY LOOK OUT THE LEFT WINDOWS!

Zak: Huh? *leans over Bex and looks out the window on the left side if the car*

Bex: Get off! *punches Zak on the arm*

Doc: Didn't I just tell you NOT to do that?

Fisk: *reaches up to the front of the car real sneaky-like and rolls down Doc's window*

Zak: *passes out*

Doc: *looks at his window, then at Zak* Well, at least he only fainted. *rolls up his window*

Bex: Better knocked out than knocking people out with bananas.

Zak: *twitches and grunts*

Drew: Uh oh. *stops the car and turns around in her seat* You just had to say banana.

Fisk: Art least she didn't say _Bananaman._

Bex: FISK NO!

Doc: Too late.

Zak: *sits up and rubs his eyes* GASP! CAPTURE!

Doc: I wonder if it's legal to muzzle Lemurians.

Zak: I WILL NOT SUBMIT! BANANAMAN IS NOT WEAK!

Bex: Never said you were.

Drew: Just open your door and let him out. He'll get tired eventually and realize what's going on.

Zak: BANANA MIND MELD! *puts his hands on Bex's forehead like they're doing a Vulcan Mind Meld and activates his Kur powers*

Bex: I'm not a cryptid, dude. You can't made me do stuff-

Drew: Did you forget you two have a telepathic bond?

Bex: *activates her Kur powers*

Doc: Apparently yes.

Zak: YOU EVIL FEINDS CANNOT HOLD ME FOR MUCH LONGER NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND AN ALLY!

Drew: Oh no...

Bex: TREMBLE EVILDOERS! FOR I AM... **CITRUS CHICK**!

Doc: And I'M dying of embarrassment. Just a little. On the inside.

Drew: (disbelievingly)_ Citrus Chick?_

Bex: COME BANANAMAN! LET US ESCAPE! *throws open the door and she and Zak leap out of the car and run off into the banana orchard*

Zak: EXCELLENT! MY SECRET SUPPLY OF BANANARANGS!

Drew: *bangs her head on the steering wheel a few times*

Doc: Should we go get them?

Drew: We should probably. Zak knows the drill but Bex might run into a tree and give herself a concussion or something.

Doc: That could happen to either of them.

Drew: Let's just GO.*gets out of the car*

Doc: *gets out and follows Drew*

Bex: COME BANANAMAN! LET US GO TO MY SECRET LAIR SO I MAY RETRIEVE MY ORANGE GRENADES!

Doc: I should've known she'd have her own fruit weapon.

Zak: NO TIME! THE VILLAINS APPROACH! *throws a banana at Doc and Drew* DEPLOY BANANARANG!

Bex: *grabs a bunch of bananas off a tree and throws them* BACK! BACK I SAY!

Drew: *gets hit in the face with a banana* OW! Ok, which one of you threw that?

Doc: Does it matter? Just grab them!

Zak and Bex: *drop their bananas and run away*

Doc and Drew: *follow them*

Bex: MOST EXCELLENT! MY LAIR! *grabs an orange and throws it at Doc* ORANGE BOMBS AWAY!

Doc: *the orange hits his head and bounces harmlessly off and makes a _boink _noise* You are both so grounded when we get home.

Drew: They are both so temporarily insane, Doc. You can't ground them for temporary insanity!

Fisk: *come running out* Hey! I know how to get them back to normal!

Drew: Is that even remotely possible for ANYONE in this family?

Fisk: *ignores her and sticks a Sharpie under Bex's nose*

Bex: *snorts* UGH! NASTY! *falls over*

Fisk: *puts the Sharpie under Zak's nose*

Zak: UGH! NASTY! *falls over*

Drew: Did it work?

Doc: *picks Bex up* Walk now. Find out later.

Bex: *blinks her eyes open* Hi Daddy...

Drew: It worked!

Zak: Ow, my head...

Drew: *helps Zak up* You'll feel better once we get rolling again. C'mon.

Everybody: *walks back to the car*

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A/N: For all you Bananaman lovers out there, here he is again. This time while writing I had a little help from BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!

Well, his theme song actually. HALF AN HOUR OF IT ON A LOOP. And counting. :)


	42. Halloweenies

Zak: *looks out the window* Why is everybody wearing orange and black? I thought only we did that.

Bex: Maybe you're seeing things. *looks out the window* ...Or maybe we're both seeing things.

Drew: Doc, check the date.

Doc: I haven't known the date since we started this crazy trip! You wouldn't let me bring any of my computers!

Bex: Aw. Poor Dad.

Drew: Do we need to stop and but a calendar?

Everybody: YES.

~Slightly laterishness~

Drew: Ok, let's see. *looks at calendar* The 30th of October?

Bex: WOOOOOOOOOO HALLOWEEN'S TOMORROW!

Zak: Halloween?

Bex: Don't tell me you don't know what Halloween is.

Zak: Yeah, I do, I guess...

Bex: Have you ever Trick-or-Treated? *gets in Zak's face and raises an eyebrow* Hmmm? Have ya?

Zak: No and get out of my face. *shoves Bex away* Your breath stinks.

Bex: *smells her breath*

Drew: I've heard of Trick-or-Treat. We never got around to doing it though. There aren't exactly any other kids in our area.

Bex: Can we this year?

Zak: Yeah, can we?

Drew: Doc?

Doc: *thinks for a second* Only if your mother promises not to put me in tights again.

Bex: *laughs so hard she falls over*

~The next night~

Bex: *rings doorbell*

Halloween lady: *opens the door*

Zak and Bex: Trick or Treat!

Halloween lady: Well, will you look at the cute little superheroes! Who are you two supposed to be?

Bex: I'm Batgirl! *strikes a pose*

Zak: I'm Robin! *strikes a pose*

Halloween lady: Isn't that adorable? Here you go, sweethearts. *holds out the bowl of candy*

Zak: *grabs a candy bar* Thanks! *jumps off the porch steps and runs off*

Bex: *takes a candy bar* Sorry about my brother.

Halloween lady: No problem, dear. At least he was polite.

Zak: *from the street* Bex, come ON!

Bex: Thank you! *jumps the steps and runs after Zak to the next house*

Doc: *starts to go after Zak and Bex, then turns back to look at Drew* What's wrong?

Drew: My stupid senses are tingling...

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A/N: DUN DUN **DUNNNNNNNNN! **Cliffhanger of EPICNESS!

Funny story... I'm actually going as Batgirl this Halloween. I really wanted to be Drew but they don't make Secret Saturdays costumes.


	43. Trick or Treat?

A/N: HAPPY HALLOWEEN Y'ALL! No tricks for you, just treats! (You have to wait until next weekend to find out what happens after the cliffhanger of epicness though.)

So, here's something I've been sitting on for a while: 163 Ways to Annoy the Secret Saturdays Characters!

Also, the list used to be numbered but the numbers didn't upload and I was too busy to go through and do it manually. So if it says something about a number, ignore it. Or go back and count if you like to complicate things.

**Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for any damage to the sanity of yourself or others that may occur from doing the things on this list.**

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Replace all of Drew's books with physics texts. Blame Doc.

Hide all Zak's belts. Blame Wadi.

Steal Doyle's jetpack and refuse to give it back until he admits on video that you're cooler than him. And make him mean it.

Have fun with your new jetpack!

Shave off a little of Fiskerton's hair every night. Tell him you think he's getting old, his hair's falling out.

Pretend you're Doc Monday.

Repeatedly ask Doc questions he knows you know the answer to, like "What's this button do?"

Every time he answers, ask why.

Have random spaz attacks.

Paint Komodo pink, put him on the ceiling and yell "Look! Spiderpig!"

Find out Zak's worst fear. Dress up as it and wake him up in the morning.

Dress up as Argost. Go to a Secret Scientist meeting.

Dye Drew's hair a different random color every night.

Ask Dr. Beeman if his favorite color is pink. When he asks why, point out the pink lenses in his glasses.

Make up a language Drew doesn't know and teach everybody but her to speak it. Then organize everyone to speak it for a day.

Fill Doc's fighter plane with Jello.

Use Doyle's jetpack to dry laundry. Make sure he sees you.

Every time Drew pulls out the Firesword, make lightsaber noises.

Follow her around the fight, still making lightsaber noises.

Stand behind Doc and mime whatever he does. If he turns around, act like you weren't doing anything.

Speak in a Russian accent all day.

You know those random little holidays that no one knows/cares about? Like national "smile" day? Make it your life's ambition to celebrate every. Single. ONE. Enthusiastically.

Burst into random song. Preferably one everyone hates/has heard a million times that day.

Does Weirdworld have a theme song? Sing that.

Hold your finger an inch away from Zak's arm and sing "I'm not touching you..."

Skip everywhere.

Dress as a fairy (if you're a boy do it anyway!) and run around sprinkling people with glitter. Especially the ones that don't believe in magic. You might need a lot of glitter.

Whenever a Secret Scientist talks to you, answer them in your best impression of their accent.

Play "Kung Fu Fighting" during combat practice.

Go up to a Secret Scientist and hug them while putting a "kick me" sign on their back. If it's Professor Misuki (the Japanese Bigfoot guy) make it a "heave a rock at me" sign.

Every time one of them is going to say something important, burst into laughter. Laugh as hard as you can for as long as you can. (Imagining that person wearing a clown suit would help.) Tear up and pound on the table and snort a little too.

During a fight, bring out your iPod and a speaker and tell everyone it's time for the Scooby-Doo style chase scene. Enforce it.

Every time the good guys win, yell "Group hug!" Then hug your least favorite character.

Or someone that doesn't like hugs.

Try to put Komodo on a leash and walk him.

If you can get the leash on him but he won't walk, take him for a drag. Say that you've nicknamed him Cigarette and don't say anything else until somebody gets it.

Also try to get him to fetch.

If Komodo doesn't fetch, maybe Fiskerton will.

Tell pointless jokes.

Spray spit in someone's face when you talk to them.

Don't shower for a week. Then call a group hug.

Photoshop Drew's head onto Miss America and install it as Doc's screensaver. You may also need to install Photoshop, but if it works it'll be worth it.

Sing horribly translated karaoke.

Mess with the alarm so it plays "My Little Pony" when it goes off.

Change Doc's computer password and don't tell him. Make it something stupid/easy like "I like pie." Laugh at him if he can't get it.

Make Drew show you all Zak's baby pictures. Tape and show on Youtube.

Instead of talking, burp.

Try to bungee jump off the airship. While it's moving.

Scream everything.

Sit on the floor in Airship Saturday. When Drew puts it into a dive, slide along the floor and say "Whee..."

Randomly break things.

Use the Firesword to cut pizza.

Play Star Wars with Zak using the Firesword as your lightsaber. (You're Darth Vader.)

Steal and crash the Gryphon/Doyle's jetpack.

Stand up while flying the airship and say "Look Ma, no hands!" without telling anyone you've put on autopilot.

Ask Ulraj if he's half fish.

When Doc says something like "Get in the airship," yell "To the Batmobile!"

Pretend you're Robin/Batgirl and play Justice League. Doc is Batman, Drew is Wonder Woman, Doyle's the Flash.

Leave your crap all over the house. Don't clean up until someone trips over something. Then just shove it all under a bed.

Call Dr. Beeman "Pinky."

Back in your fairy act (#27), poke people on the nose with a magic wand and say "Ding!"

Flail your arms randomly when you talk. Purposefully hit someone you hate who (WINK) just so happens to be standing right behind you. Act like it was an accident. Repeat. A LOT.

Make up a random phrase to be your catchphrase. Say it every hour on the hour. Or when something good happens to you.

Steal a swivel chair (if they have one, let's say they do) and roll down the hall in it.

Challenge Zak to swivel chair bumper cars.

Run screaming from Professor Misuki. When asked why, say he reminds you of the monster under your bed.

Hide in Doc's lab. When he thinks he's alone, whisper "I see you..."

Blow giant bubblegum bubbles and get gum on everything. Don't clean up.

Dress up as an alien. Get in a fake U.F.O. and go to Beeman's lab. Record him freaking out. Put it on Youtube.

Stick everything in Zak's room to the ceiling. In the same place, just on the ceiling.

Tape Zak to Fiskerton.

Tape Komodo to Fiskerton.

Tie all the Secret Scientists' shoelaces together under the table. (If they wear boots with laces [or shoes at all]. If they don't, well, crap.)

Get on the P.A. and sing every stupid song you know.

Start random food fights at dinner.

Replace the mattresses on the beds with Jello.

Dye Fiskerton pink.

Put Komodo in the vent.

Stick Velcro to Professor Misuki.

Put superglue on the hilt of the Firesword/inside the Power glove.

Pop randomly out of closets screaming at people while dressed as random villains.

Use the word "snork" in every sentence you say.

Stick things to walls.

Swat flies that don't exist. "Accidentally" swat the person next to you.

Hide everybody's weapons and make them have a scavenger hunt.

Ask Epsilon why he never needs to blink. (He doesn't!)

Wear sunglasses at night and walk around whacking into things/people. Say you're pretending to be Francis. Make sure he hears you.

Dump glue on the floor and wait for someone to walk by.

Laugh at the person stuck to the floor.

Blurt out random things. ...I LIKE PIE!

Be Captain Obvious. Say things everybody already knows.

Make sure you're in a room full of people. When everybody gets quiet for one reason or another, scream "AWKWARD SILENCE!"

Get sugar high and run through the house screaming, preferably when there's a Secret Scientist meeting going on.

Break things and blame it on your imaginary friend Bob.

Talk out loud to Bob.

Dress as a Secret Scientist every day. Make sure you talk like them and act like them too. Then go up to that person and say hi.

Did you know that there's a chewing gum called Beeman's? No lie! Get some of it and throw a pack at Dr. Beeman whenever you see him.

You know what, just plain pelt him with gum.

Change your ringtone to something really stupid and annoying and have a friend call you every five minutes. Wear earplugs.

Keep your earplugs in or pretend you're deaf. When someone talks to you, say VERY VERY LOUDLY, "WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

Only respond to Komodo.

Let a pack of wild bunyips loose in the house.

Play "Canadian Idiot" by Weird Al whenever Dr. Cheechoo walks into a room.

Insist Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" is Dr. Beeman's theme song.

Tell anyone who gets within 10 feet of you they're in your "personal space."

Tell the Secret Scientists you're taking a group photo of them. Tell them all to "Squish together, squish together" until nobody can move. Then tell them to say something stupid like "Cheesepuffs!" and refuse to take the picture until they say it.

Give Fiskerton catnip.

Set the alarm off on random nights just for the heck of it.

Tell Drew you bet her five bucks that she can't hit a target with her Firesword from across the room. Get her to shoot a ball of fire at it while she's standing under the smoke alarm so the sprinklers go off on her.

Somehow convince Doyle to give Zak a wedgie. When Drew gets on his case for it and he tells her you made him do it, act like you have absolutely no idea whatsoever what's going on.

Blow up the toaster while making breakfast.

Sing Christmas carols as loudly and as off-key as possible when it's not Christmas.

Draw a mustache on Doyle when he's asleep and hide or cover all the mirrors in the house.

Hold Komodo's squeak toys for ransom.

Ask Doc "What'cha doin'?" at random intervals while he's working.

Replace Doyle's jetpack with one of those backpacks that looks like a teddy bear.

Repeatedly start to say something, then forget what it was.

Replace all of Zak's clothes with Hannah Montana outfits.

Play "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles whenever someone mentions the Saturday Sub.

Rewire the computers so that no matter what Doc types, it says "I like pie." See how long it takes him to notice.

Organize everybody but Doc to speak Arabic for a day.

Play the "Mission Impossible" theme music over the P.A. in the airship when you leave to help cryptids.

Set Zak's alarm clock to go off at 4 AM.

Insist Komodo is really Barney in disguise. Try to prove it.

Paint Komodo so he looks like Barney, then say "I told you so!" to everyone.

Set all the clocks an hour ahead.

Open cans with the Firesword.

Perfect your Argost laugh.

Pretend to fall asleep during a Secret Scientist meeting. Make sure you snore. Maybe drool a little too.

Randomly hug people.

Replace Zak's video game discs with Barney DVDs.

When Drew gets mad at you for whatever reason, (like maybe breaking her favorite lamp or something) point at Fisk, say "He did it!" and run off.

Try to dig a hole to China in the middle of Drew's garden.

Invite both Zak and Francis to your birthday party.

Flush the toilet repeatedly while someone's in the shower.

Invite all your friends over and trash the house.

Blow up Doc's lab.

Break all the house rules you can in one day.

Act like Munya for a day. Only grunt when someone talks to you.

Declare a random day your Unbirthday and make everybody celebrate it.

Ask if one of the Secret Scientists is a botanist.

Sing along to the song stuck in your head.

Insist you're the long-lost son/daughter of one of the Secret Scientists. Make it really random, like if you have a huge Texas accent say Dr. Grey's your mom.

No matter what you were asked, answer "Every third Tuesday."

Insist Abbey Grey is Mary Poppins gone bad.

Spraypaint random things on the airship.

Give Fisk the poodle haircut.

Run away from Dr. Grey, screaming "The British are coming, the British are coming!"

Teach Zak a bunch of swear words in different languages. Make sure he doesn't know what they mean in English.

Tell Epsilon you think him and Francis are vampires or zombies or something because they're so pale.

Jack somebody's ship and fly to Chuck E. Cheese.

Reprogram Deadbolt so he acts like GIR from Invader Zim.

Make up a random prediction about the future that you know won't come true and pretend to have an epiphany like the grandpa in _The Simpsons Movie. _Roll around on the floor yelling and everything. Then get up, dust yourself off, look at all the people staring at you and innocently say "What?"

Insist Drew is a former member of the Hex Girls.

Set a pack of Bunyips loose in the house.

Try to claim Kumari Kandam for Spain.

Laugh at random things people say. As loudly as possible. Point and snort and spray spit too.

Sing the waffle song if Drew makes waffles for breakfast.

Use the Claw as a back scratcher.

When you're in the airship and you take a sharp turn (like during a fight or something), slam into the person standing/sitting next to you and yell "Inertia!" If you turned left, slam into the person on your left and vice versa. You might not understand it, but since they're all sciencey, they will.

Stare two feet to the left of somebody when you talk to them.

Play the "Pinky and the Brain" theme song during a Secret Scientist meeting. When somebody asks you why, insist that Beeman is Brain and Cheechoo is Pinky but their names accidentally got switched.

Randomly pres buttons on the airship's control panels and say "WHAT'S THIS DO? WHAT'S THAT DO?"


	44. Halloween Candy

A/N: I LIED! I'm back peeps! I totally forgot about how my skool has election day off (I was probably too busy being sugar high XP) so you guys get the ending to the cliffhanger early!

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**Previously on Secret Saturdays...**

Zak: Why is everybody wearing orange?

Drew: Do we need to stop and buy a calendar?

Bex: WOOOOOOOOOO HALLOWEEN'S TOMORROW!

Doc: We can go Trick-or-Treating if your mother promises not to put me in tights again.

Zak and Bex: TRICK OR TREAT!

Drew: My stupid senses are tingling...

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Bex: *rips the wrapper off a candy bar and shoves the whole thing in her mouth at once*

Doc: Slow down, honey. Your candy's not going anywhere.

Bex: Says you! *swallows* Last time Zak and Fisk ate most of my candy AND all of theirs!

Zak: We did not!

Fisk: I did.

Doc: Not helping your case.

Fisk: *sticks his hand in Zak's pillowcase* C'mon, can't I even have one of those gummy soda bottles you hate?

Zak: NO! *pulls his pillowcase away* I told you if you wanted candy you'd have to dress up and go out with us!

Fisk: *looks at Bex*

Bex: Not happening.

Fisk: *wilts* Aw.

Bex: So where's Mom?

Doc: She has a headache.

Zak: Why?

Doc: ...A reason. You three had better be quiet. If you wake her up she'll-

Bex: -Boot us into next week. We heard. And saw a demonstration.

Zak: By the way, Komodo will be back on Thursday.

Doc: *raises eyebrow*

Bex: *eats more candy*

Doc: Bex, really. You're going to make yourself sick.

Bex: Then can you promise Zak and Fisk won't eat any when I fall asleep or something?

Doc: Boys?

Zak: Scout's honor. *holds up the Boy Scout salute*

Fisk: Fine...

~6 hours later~

Bex: *pokes Zak's head* Zak... Zak... Psst! Wake up! *poke poke*

Zak: *pries one eye open* This had better be life-threateningly important.

Bex: I'm hyper and can't sleep. Will you play with me?

Zak: You want me to PLAY with you.

Bex: *smiles and nods*

Zak: (sarcastically) Ok, let's play Simon Says. I'll be Simon.

Bex: Okeydokey!

Zak: Simon says go dunk your head in a bucket of ice water.

Bex: ...Why?...

Zak: Simon said. DO IT!

Bex: *shrugs* Ok. *goes and dunks her head in a bucket of ice water, comes up coughing and runs back to Zak* THAT WAS FREAKING GREAT!

Zak: *falls slightly back to sleep*

Drew: *comes in* What's going on out here? And why are you all wet?

Bex: We're playing Simon Says!

Drew: Why are you WET?

Bex: Simon said to dunk my head in a bucket of ice water.

Drew: Zak!

Zak: *shakes himself awake* Uh?

Drew: Why did you tell her to put her head in a bucket of ice water?

Zak: So she would leave me alone. I thought it would calm her down.

Bex: I'm cold now. *shivers*

Drew: Put on different pajamas and go to bed. *turns to Zak* And YOU...

Doc: Stop threatening Zak and go back to sleep.

Drew: ...I'll deal with you later. *goes back to bed*

~The next morning~

Bex: I'M STILL HYPER... Zak, play with me.

Zak: You wouldn't be hyper if you hadn't been eating all your candy.

Bex: Not ALL my candy, smart one. Just all my chocolate!

Zak: Even better. *rolls eyes*

Bex: Isn't it? You want me to help you eat yours?

Zak: HECK NO! *shoves candy in his mouth*

Drew: Darling, do we have any headache medicine? My stupid sense just went crazy.

~Later~

Zak: Ugh...

Bex: Aw, get up ya big baby.

Zak: Don't make me move or I'll barf all over you.

Bex: C'mon... GETUPGETUPGETUP! *shakes Zak*

Zak: Sis! Seriously.

Bex: Nope. Not moving.

Zak: Fine. *gets up*

Bex: Now will you play with me?

Zak: *sugar rusk kicks in* Sure.

Fisk: TAG! YOU'RE IT! *pokes Zak on the nose*

Zak: *chases Bex and Fisk*

Zak, Bex and Fisk: *run by Doc and Drew*

Drew: *backs up a few steps* What're you doing now?

Zak: TAG! *tackles Bex*

Bex: Mom's it! *tags Drew's foot*

Drew: HEY!

Doc: It's just Tag, Drew. Let them be kids once in a while.

Drew: Ok, Mister Smart Guy... TAG! *hits Doc and runs off*

Doc: HEY! *runs after Drew*

Drew: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Zak, Bex and Fisk: AAAA! *run away*

Doc: *tackles everybody*

Zak: Ow! Get off!

Bex: *gags* Oh crap.

Drew: Doc. Get up NOW.

Doc: I can't!

Drew: WHY?

Doc: I don't know!

Fisk: *gets up and stands Doc up*

Bex: *runs off and throws up*

Doc: *helps Drew up* I told her she'd make herself sick if she ate all her Halloween candy in one day.

Zak: That wasn't all of it. That was most of it.

Drew: Where's the rest?

Zak: *points*

Drew: *grabs Zak and Bex's pillowcases and stomps off*

Doc: What're you doing?

Zak: MOM!

Drew: I'm putting all this in the emergency snacks box until you can learn to eat candy without getting sugar high and throwing up!

Zak: What do you want us to do? Get drunk?

Doc: He's got a fair point.

Drew: *sighs and holds out the pillowcases*

Zak: *takes them and puts them back where they were*

Fisk: What now?

Drew: I'm going back to bed.

Doc: Another headache?

Drew: Yeah, and its name is _Zak and Bex._

Bex: What now?

Drew: Never mind! ...You all just try to get Komodo back from Thursday or something. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Zak: Can anybody here time travel?


	45. No Punch Backs

A/N: I have a very important announcement to make to everyone on Fanfiction...

...I FOUND OUT HOW TO SAY "I LIKE PIE" IN FRENCH! HOW COOL IS THAT?

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Bex: Punch buggy red! *punches Zak* No punch-backs!

Zak: Punch buggy blue!

Bex: You're supposed to punch me.

Zak: Why? You're my sister! I can't hit my sister!

Bex: I hate to break it to you Sir Lancelot, but Mom's Doyle's sister and they hit each other all the time.

Zak: Good point. PUNCH BUGGY BLUE NO PUNCH-BACKS! *punches Bex*

Bex: OW! *grabs her arm* I didn't mean that hard!

Zak: So now you don't want me to punch you.

Bex: I didn't say "Make my arm go numb," I said "Punch me!"

Zak: Quit being wussy.

Bex: Quit being jerky!

Zak: PUNCH BUGGY SILVER NO PUNCH-BACKS! *punches Bex again*

Bex: MOM! ZAK'S BEING JERKY!

Drew: Zak, what are you doing to your sister?

Zak: Nothing! We were playing the punch buggy game.

Bex: My arm is bruising.

Zak: You're supposed to punch each other.

Drew: Why don't you stop playing then?

Bex: Because.

Doc: Because isn't an answer, you know that.

Bex: ...No I didn't...

Doc: You do now.

Zak: So what are we supposed to do NOW?

Fisk: I'm bored...

Komodo: I need a bathroom break!

Everybody: !

Zak: How'd you get back from Thursday?

Bex: Yeah, I thought Mom kicked you into next week!

Komodo: A good magician never reveals his tricks. *pauses* But since I'm not a magician... Today's Thursday.

Everybody: Ohhhhhh, right...

Doc: So it's Fiskerton's turn to pick the side trip today. Where do you want to go?

Fisk: Either the world's largest ball of twine or Sea World!

Drew: We're not driving all the way back to California NOW!

Doc: And we're not going to Minnesota either. Or Texas.

Zak: Would it help if I told you we ARE in Minnesota?

Doc: World's largest ball of twine it is!

Drew: How did we get to Minnesota?

Bex: Who cares!

~Later~

Fisk: It's... Beautiful... *sniffs*

Doc: *whispers to Drew* Remind me to take him out of side trip rotation.

Zak: A huge ball of string. Woo. *twirls one finger in the air sarcastically*

Bex: About to die standing up... Need something interesting to do... *yawns and falls asleep leaning against Zak's shoulder*

Drew: Ok, I think it's time go get moving.

Doc: *picks Bex up and carries her to the car* Come on, boys.

Zak: How come no one ever carries me anywhere?

Drew: You never fall asleep standing up.

Zak: Fine. *gets in the car*

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P.S.: J'aime la tarte! (That means I LIKE PIE!)


	46. Turkey Day

Bex: *wakes up* What smells so good?

Zak: *sniffs* I don't know-_ Is that pie?_

Drew: *comes in* Good morning, you two! Happy Thanksgiving!

Zak: Mom... You seem happy this morning...

Fisk: OVERLY happy...

Bex: Put a sock in it, idiots. I think we'd know by now if she was Drew Monday.

Drew: It's Thanksgiving! Of course I'm happy.

Zak: Why?

Bex: Gee, I don't know. Maybe because we get to sit around with our only living relative- _who just so happens to be her little brother-_ and eat too much pie and watch football all day.

Drew: That reminds me. Doyle's going to be here any minute, so you'd better get dressed and come out for breakfast.

Fisk: Will there be bacon?

Drew: There will be bacon.

Fisk: FIRST DIBS! *runs off*

Bex: NOT FAIR! *runs around getting ready as fast as she can*

Drew: *shakes her head and leaves*

~Later~

Doyle: *lands outside* Hello?

Bex: *runs outside and tackles Doyle* HI UNCLE DOYLE!

Doyle: *falls over* OOF!

Doc: *runs over, grabs Bex and puts her under his arm* So I warn Fiskerton not to tackle him and you do.

Bex: That about sums it up, yeah.

Drew: *helps Doyle up and hugs him*

Zak: I TOLD you not to let her eat the leftover pie dough.

Doyle: Did I hear the word pie?

Drew: I made some. Why?

Doyle: Have I told you recently you're my favorite sister?

Drew: I hope I wasn't competing with anyone for that!

Doc: Doyle. *puts Bex down*

Doyle: Professor.

Bex: Shake hands and be nice.

Doc and Doyle: *look at Drew*

Drew: You heard her.

Doc and Doyle: *shake hands*

Fisk: *leans out the door* Is the flashing light thingy on the ceiling supposed to be screaming?

Drew: The smoke alarm! *runs inside with everyone following her*

Doc: *opens the oven and pulls out a smoking pie*

Drew: Oh, no... Imagine what that could have done if we had left it in.

Doyle: *sniffs the pie* Is that pumpkin?

Drew: It WAS.

Zak and Bex: *cough cough*

Doc: Did you make anything else but pie?

Drew: I thought I did. *opens the fridge* The turkey doesn't need much...

Zak: The potatoes aren't mashed.

Fisk: The veggies aren't ready.

Bex: Who cares about dessert if we don't have anything to eat before it?

Drew: You were expecting me to pull Thanksgiving out of my suitcase? I could use a little help!

Doc: *hugs Drew* It's ok. We'll help. *gives Doyle the Evil Eye* You can make something besides toaster waffles, right?

Doyle: Uh... sure.

Bex; You're serious?

Zak: When we were at your apartment I almost forgot who was taking care of who.

Fisk: He survives on peanut butter sandwiches and canned soup!

Doyle: *crosses his arms and pouts like a five-year-old* I _like_ peanut butter.

Drew: You can set the table.

Zak: I'll wash the carrots.

Bex: I'll mash the taters!

Doc: No, you won't.

Bex: Aw.

~Later~

Drew: Wow, I can't believe we actually managed to pull something together.

Bex: And it's actually edible!

Komodo: HEY! Nobody pays attention to the lizard anymore! Pull me up a chair!

Drew: *looks at Doc*

Doc: *shrugs* If Fiskerton's allowed to...

Zak: *pulls up another chair*

Komodo: *climbs up, grabs a turkey leg and starts gnawing on it*

Zak and Bex: HEY! *wrestle for the other leg*

Doyle: Who wants potatoes?

Fisk: Pass the gravy!

Doc: *reaches for the water jug*

Drew: *smiles, then frowns* Hey hey hey hey hey, I get first dibs on the pie!

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A/N: Happy one-day-early Thanksgiving! Sorry I haven't updated in a few weeks, I've been working on junk and things such as a draft of another story that isn't a comedy.

My skool has a long weekend so watch for another chapter somewhere in the vicinity of soon!


	47. Not Exactly Broadway

Bex: This is boring... Are we at Busch Gardens yet?

Doc: Are you kidding? We're not even in the state yet!

Zak: Yeah, I think we just got into New York.

Drew: That said New York?

Doc: *facepalm*

Bex: Ooh, New York! Can we see Broadway?

Drew: We shouldn't stop. I'll just make us lose more time.

Doc: And I was the negative one when we started?

~Later~

Bex: *walks along the curb* Start spreadin' the news... I'm leavin' today... We are a great big part of it!

Zak: *links arms with Bex and throws his other hand in the air*

Zak and Bex: NEW YORK, NEW YORK!

Doc: *clap clap clap* Bravo.

Drew: *clap clap clap* Encore.

Bex: *takes a bow* Thank you, you're too kind.

Zak: *takes a bow* Really. Stop. You're embarrassing us.

Drew: Says the boy who was just singing showtunes with his sister in the middle of the street.

Zak: Point taken.

Bex: You don't like showtunes?

Zak: *sweatdrop* Um...

Bex: Never mind. Heywhat'sthat? *skips off*

Zak: *looks at Doc and Drew*

Doc and Drew: *shrug*

Bex: Hey! Isn't this where they have the Thanksgiving Day Parade?

Doc: Thanksgiving was a few days ago, honey.

Drew: Not even the street cleaners from the parade are out anymore. It's holiday shopping season now.

Zak: That reminds me, did Doyle take home ALL the pie?

Drew: Yep. He needed to have _something_ to eat besides peanut butter and soup. *shrugs*

Doc: What were we going to with five apple pies?

Zak: Um, EAT THEM?

Drew: We didn't have anywhere to put them.

Zak: And you let Doyle just fly off with them. He probably dropped them off the top of his apartment building onto some guy on the ground who wasn't expecting it!

Bex: *pretends to get hit by a flying pie* Oh no, pie from the sky!

Zak: *snickers*

Bex: On no Zak, don't smile! Your face will crack and fall off!

Zak: *laughs*

Doc: Since when are you so concerned with what Doyle does?

Zak: Just making sure he doesn't do anything stupid in case we have to go stay with him again.

Drew: Awww, you're so sweet. In a weird sort of way.

Bex: It's weird all right!

Zak: Don't start that again.

Bex: *whistles innocently*

Doc: *checks watch* Where should we go for lunch?

Zak and Bex: *look at each other, then at Doc* CHUCK E. CHEESE!

Doc: Why?

Zak: We're in New York, right? Everything's better in New York!

Bex: Even the skeevy places!

Doc: If Chuck E. Cheese is skeevy, why are you begging me to take you?

Bex: Uh, they've got skee ball, HELLO?

Zak: And pizza! And stupid prizes that cost thousands of tickets!

Bex: Plus, neither of us have ever been there.

Zak: *nods*

Drew: Come on, Doc. If a sit-down place didn't work, why shouldn't we go to a place that's crazy?

Doc: Something tells me Chuck E. Cheese isn't our kind of crazy.

~Later~

Doc: *a bunch of five-year-olds run by him* I told you so.

Bex: Scratch what I said earlier. The skeevy places are _just as skeevy _in New York.

Zak: How were we supposed to know this place was for little kids?

Drew: Aren't they cute?

Doc: I could stand them when ZAK was that little.

Drew: You do know you're going to be a grandfather one day.

Doc: That'll be different. And not anytime soon, I hope.

Drew: Me too.

Zak: Ugh.

Bex: Yeck. Can we go now?

Doc: Oh no. You wanted to come so bad, we're staying.

Zak: We're going to sit in a tiny plastic booth and eat greasy pizza and play stupid games while that birthday party of five-year-olds holds up the line.

Drew: *twirls one finger in the air sarcastically* Whoop-de-do.

Bex: And YOU don't even have to do any of it!

Doc: We have to eat the pizza.

Zak: If I throw up, can we leave?

Doc: WE'RE GOING! WE'RE GOING!

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A/N:

**OCD.**

REARRANGE THE LETTERS AND YOU'VE GOT "DOC."

COINCIDENCE?

Randomly thought that up earlier and decided to share it with you guys. Sounds like something Beeman or Doyle would say doesn't it?


	48. Toy Storey

Everybody: *walks down the sidewalk*

Drew: Ok, so the Chuck E. Cheese was skeevy. Where do we do now?

Bex: How about the toy store with the big floor piano?

Zak: Why can't we get lost where they've got something **I **wanna see?

Doc: She did say it's a toy store.

Zak: Never mind. I'm in!

Drew: Why not?

Zak: Can we-

Doc: Yes, you can get something.

Zak and Bex: *fist bump*

Doc: But nothing too ridiculous. Remember, we don't have the airship.

Drew: No Argost models, no guns-

Doc: And you can only get what you can afford.

Drew: We're not going to cover it if you want something that's a hundred dollars but you've only got fifty.

Zak: Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?

Doc: Either you get the toy you want or we eat trail mix for dinner.

Zak: Ok.

Bex: *pulls on Doc's hand* C'mon already! I wanna see the piano you can play with your feet!

~Later~

Zak: This. Place. Is. KID HEAVEN!

Bex: Pinch me I'm dreaming...

Drew: Wow. I don't think I've ever seen so many toys in one place.

Doc: I want to look at the action figures.

Drew: *raises eyebrow*

Doc: What? I was a twelve-year-old boy once too.

Zak: I'm gonna go swim in Lego! *runs off*

Bex: I'm gonna play the piano!* runs off*

Doc and Drew: *point after a kid* I'll go with them. *Drew follows Bex, Doc follows Zak*

Bex: *runs and slides on her knees along the piano keys*

Drew: That sounds just like the one we've got at home.

Bex: Yeah, but it's GINORMOUS! How big do you think this key is, about as tall as... Dad? Dr. Cheechoo maybe?

Drew: I do't think it's THAT big, honey.

Zak: *dives headfirst into a pit of Lego*

Doc: Wow. That's a lot of Lego.

Zak: Cool huh? Look what you can do with it! *points at a random thing made of Lego*

~Later~

Zak: *looks up and sees a bunch of people go by* Is the store closing?

Doc: *checks watch* No. What's going on?

Guy: Some lady's playing the big piano! And it's actually music!

Doc and Zak: *look at each other*

Zak: Mom and Bex!

Guy: That's your mom and sister? You're lucky, kid. Rumor has it talent scouts hang around here looking for people who can do what they're doing!

Doc: Come on! *runs off*

Zak: *hauls himself out of the Lego pit and shakes off the bricks that are stuck to him* Wait for me! *runs after Doc*

Bex and Drew: *jump on the piano keys*

Crowd: *cheers*

Doc: *shoves people aside*

Zak: *follows Doc* Wow. They're good.

Bex: You ain't seen nothing yet! NOW MOM! *slides down the keyboard*

Drew: *jumps on the last key, then helps Bex up and they both take a bow*

Crowd: *goes crazy*

Zak: What was that?

Drew: I don't know, actually.

Bex: Some showtune.

Doc: That was amazing! You even kept in rhythm!

Bex: It would've helped a little if we'd had a giant metronome, but hey. You can't be picky. *shrugs*

Guy: You're right. That was amazing. *comes up behind the Saturdays*

Zak: Hey, you're that one guy.

Guy: 'Rumor has it, talent scouts hang around here looking for people who can do what they're doing.' You think it was a coincidence I knew that? *hold out his card*

Doc: *takes the card*

Guy: As I was saying... *leans over so Bex can see him better* How would you like to be in a musical, little girl?

Bex: ...Oh my gosh...

Drew: *steps in front of Bex* What's the catch? My daughter doesn't go anywhere unless we know what she's getting into.

Guy: What do you honestly think I'm going to do to her? I run a stage company for goodness sake!

Doc: You wouldn't BELIEVE the people we've met.

Zak: *kicks the floor*

Bex: Yeah. *grabs Zak and drags him over to stand beside her* And my brother's gotta be in it too!

Guy: Why not? We could use some more actors. Mom, Dad? *looks at Doc and Drew*

Zak: Am I gonna have to wear tights?

Guy: Of course not. It's _Grease._

Drew: *looks at Doc* I don't have a problem with it.

Doc: What parts were you thinking of?

Guy: Whichever ones you want.

Zak: Can I be the lead?

Bex: Ooh! Me too! I wanna be Sandy!

Guy: It's settled then! Meet me at the theater tomorrow. We've got work to do. *walks off*

Doc: *scratches head* Exactly HOW did this happen again?

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A/N: I really like the music in _Grease._ Showtunes can work for whatever story you want to put them in. (Ever since Secret Saturdays came out, every time I hear 'You're the one that I Want' I think, _Doyle and Abbey. _Believe me, it fits, it really does.)

ZakSaturdayFan gave me the idea for the toy store with the giant piano. (She's been there!) The idea of the Saturdays getting cast in a Broadway show is from stormygirl335.

Next chapter, you get to "see" the show they're in!


	49. Opening Night

Bex: *twirls around* Wooo! I LOVE my costume.

Drew: Well, poodle skirts aren't usually my thing, but I guess I can make it work.

Zak: I kinda feel like I'm trying to be Doyle.

Bex: Speaking of Uncle Doyle, is he coming to opening night tonight? Or any of our shows?

Doc: He'll be here any minute.

Drew: With a video camera. And I even convinced him not to post it on Youtube!

Bex: (squealy) OOOOH! YAY! I'm so excited! Aren't you excited, Zak?

Zak: I can hardly stand it. *rolls eyes*

Bex: *puts her hands on her hips* Spoilsport.

Doc: Alright, enough you two.

Doyle: *waves* Hey, over here!

Saturdays: *go over to Doyle*

Drew: *hugs Doyle* Did you bring the camera?

Doyle: Yep. You guys got stage fright yet?

Zak: Psh. I'm not scared of anything.

Bex: Except for those things you ARE scared of.

Zak: Exactly! *thinks for a second* Hey-

Doc: AHEM.

Zak and Bex: *whistle innocently*

Director: Hey guys! Got a fan already? It's not even showtime!

Drew: Just my little brother.

Doyle: *waves a little* Hey.

Director: You'd better get pictures now. After the show all the girls in the audience are going to turn backstage into your nephew's fan club.

Zak: I've got fans?

Director: Since you're Danny? You will.

Bex: Better him than me!

Stagehand: Places everybody! Five minutes to showtime!

Drew: We've got time for one picture.

Doyle: Ok, squish together... *gets out the camera*

Saturdays: *squish together*

Doyle: Ok, on three say 'cheese!' ...One!

Drew: NICE smiles everybody!

Doyle: Two!

Doc: No bunny ears, Bex.

Doyle: Three!

Saturdays: CHEESE!

Stagehand: I SAID, PLACES EVERYBODY!

Drew: *hugs Doyle again* See you after the show.

Bex: Sit in the front row! *runs off to get in her place on stage*

Doyle: Will do!

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A/N: The next chapter is when they start the musical. I thought it would be confusing if they started the show in the middle of the chapter because you wouldn't know what was _Grease_ and what was _The Road Trip from Heck._

It will be up! Soon!_  
_


	50. Helmet Warning

A/N: Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages and adults acting like children of all ages, Hobo and Squirrel Productions hereby presents... _Grease-_ Saturday style!

(Everybody got their helmets on? There's going to be falling spotlights.)

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Everybody: *gets in their place on stage*

Zak and Bex: *enter stage right*

~In the audience~

Fisk: *pulls something out from under his seat~

Doyle: (whisper) What the crap are you doing? Do you WANT to ruin everything?

Fisk: *nods*

People behind Doyle: SHHHHHH!

Doyle: *scowls*

~On stage~

Zak: *stops in the middle of a line and stares at the audience*

Bex: *snaps her fingers in front of Zak's face* Um... _Danny? _Helloo?

Doc: *shoves the other actors onto the stage* Let's go to the next scene, shall we?

Director: What are you doing, man?

Doc: Look here. There's only one person on Earth who knows my son better than I do, and if you want ANY part of your play to turn out like it's supposed to, you'll let us do this.

Drew: Fiskerton is so dead. *stomps onstage*

Doc: *follows her*

Bex: (whisper) What do I do?

Doc: (whisper) Your mom's telling the chorus to start the first song. They'll come up to the front and we'll get out of here.

Announcer: We are experiencing some minor technical difficulties ladies and gentlemen, please be patient while we try to figure them out. *elevator music starts playing*

Chorus: *shuffles up to the front of the stage*

Bex: *pulls Zak offstage*

Drew: What's wrong with him?

Bex: I don't know, he saw something in the audience and then...

Drew: I knew it.

Doc: Get him out of here. I'll get Fiskerton and Doyle.

Fisk: Hey Bananaman!

Drew: That's it! That's it, that is so it. I'm gonna kill him.

Zak: BANANAMAN CANNOT BE STOPPED!

Bex: You are SUCH A FREAK!

Komodo: Why don't YOU go crazy for once?

Bex: Shut up! *kicks Komodo*

Drew: Ok, you? NOT HELPING.

Zak: *runs away from everyone and jumps off the stage* HA HA HA HA HA! YOUR NEFARIOUS PLAN SHALL **FAIL, **EVILDOERS!

Doyle: *tries to grab Zak but misses and falls on his face*

Audience: *mad laughter*

Guy: This is SO much better than _Grease!_

Chorus Person: *gets hit on the head by a falling spotlight* OOP!

Doc, Drew, Bex and Doyle: *chase Zak*

Zak: I MAKE MY DARING ESCAPE!

Drew: You're making us all insane!

Doc: Get back here!

Bex: *trips* Whoa!

Zak: HA HA HA! *runs outside*

Drew: Oh no...

Zak: *runs into a lamppost* OOF!

Everybody: *cringes* Ooh...

Doyle: That's gonna leave a mark.

Drew: *runs over and picks Zak up* Zak! Can you hear me?

Zak: Ugh. No.

Doc: *grabs Zak and throws him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes* Let's go.

Drew: Be careful with him!

Doyle: *opens the camera* This is going straight to Youtube.

Drew: You promised.

Doyle: *wilts* Fine. *holds out the tape*

Drew: *takes the tape* Thank you.

Audience: *cheering*

Bex: *bows* Thank you, thank you. We're here until Thursday.

Drew: No, we're not. *pulls Bex away*

Doc: *leads everybody away* Well... That could've gone worse.

Doyle: Could've been better.

Bex: One whole heck of a lot better. *kicks a pebble*

Zak: I can walk!

Doc: I don't care.

Drew: Do you think they'll mind that we kind of stole their costumes?

Doc: Well, they do have our clothes.

Doyle: I can go get your stuff if you want.

Doc: Thank you.

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A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long to get out. I was going to make some songfics out of the songs from _Grease, _but when I looked up the lyrics... let's just say I'd prefer to keep this rated K plus.

A holiday chapter should be out today or tomorrow. Merry Christmas Eve!

WOOT! CHAPTER FIFTY!


	51. Merry Platypus!

A/N: Merry Platypus to you all. (INVADER ZIM REFERENCE!) And happy belated holidays. Right after Halloween, I started working on the second installment of My 163 Ways To Annoy list! I have no idea how many we're up to now!

This is a little shorter than the first one because I've already covered all the obvious stuff. I'll think of more, though.

(The holiday special chapter should be out... sometime before New Year's? I keep trying to write a Christmas fic, but I can never finish, even when I start in September.)

**Disclaimer: The author is still not responsible for any damage to the sanity (or anything else) of yourself or others that may result from doing the things on this list.**

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Ask Doc if he has enough money to buy Canada. Then ask him if he'll buy it for you. (Did I put this on the other list?)

When there's a bad guy standing right behind you, pretend not to notice them and say "I sense dere iz ebil afootz..."

Sing "The Song That Never Ends" on a long trip. "_This is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singin' it, not knowin' it was. And they'll continue singin' it forever just because THIS IS THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END! YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIEND!"_

This one's for you, superfangirls of Zak! Ask him to marry you and then convince him to have a fake wedding with you whilst Drew watches and has a heart attack. Guys, do the same thing with Wadi and her dad!

Ask if they've ever considered making Bill Nye the Science Guy an honorary Secret Scientist.

Force them all to Chicken Dance with you at random intervals! Then show it to everybody in the world on YOUTUBE!

Bite people and tell them they taste like chicken.

Or tell them they've got chicken legs. _*gasp* It's got chicken leeeeegs... -Gir_

Pretend you're on the USS Enterprise and play Star Trek. Call Doc "Captain Kirk" and at one point randomly yell "I'm giving her all she's got captain!"

Ask Drew if she knows how to talk backwards. (I mean, come on. She knows 37 languages, so why the heck not?)

Call Doc and Drew Dad and Mom.

Say "OOH! LOOKIT THAT!" and point to random nothing.

Switch languages every five minutes when you talk. If you don't know any, make stuff up! That way it annoys Drew even more because even she doesn't know what you're saying.

Or, just speak gibberish for the day. Get annoyed when no one gets you what you're OBVIOUSLY asking them to get you. (Like ice cream. Demand ice cream. Lots of it. And share it with me.)

See if Fisk likes to play with yarn. Tease him with one of those big yarn balls like they do on _Tom and Jerry._

Pretend you're Komodo for a day.

Run around randomly giving people flying tackle hugs! People like Zak... and Doyle... and anybody else you meet!

Ask Doc if you can haz cheezeburger.

Draw mustaches on the family photos in permanent marker.

Ask the Secret Scientists which came first, the chicken or the egg. You get bonus points and a cookie if they get into a huge fight about it.

Lock Zak and Wadi in a closet together for a couple hours/days. Conveniently be somewhere else when the parents find out.

Make out with your boy/girlfriend right in front of a security camera.

Prank call the Secret Scientists. Cookie for you if you can get Beeman to fall for "Is your refrigerator running?"

Send people mushy valentines from their "secret admirer." Make it obvious about who you're pretending to be. Like Dr. Cheechoo or somebody, eh? He's from Canada don'tcha know.

Cover yourself in carpet and pretend you're Fiskerton.

Randomly toss cookies at people's heads.

Get Zak to stand behind you. Tell people that Zak's going to toss his cookies. Then duck while Zak throws Oreos at them! (If you're absolutely positive that Zak's taller than you, do it in reverse. [The one throwing has to be hidden until it's time for them to throw.] It's probably more fun to be the one tossing the cookies anyway!)


	52. IT

Zak and Bex: This is the song that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singin' it not knowin' what it was and they'll continue singin' it forever just because THIS IS THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END! YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIEND!

Drew: Kill me. Kill me now.

Komodo: (moaning) Make it stop... make it stoooooooop... *tries to shove his head into the space between the seat and the wall*

Fisk: *grabs his ears* SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Doc: ENOUGH! All of you! You're giving me a headache. Again.

Drew: I think it's time for another side trip. *looks at Doc* Honey?

Doc: Well, we are lost again. It's not like we're going to get to Busch Gardens anytime soon.

Drew: It's my turn to pick where we go.

Zak, Bex, Fisk and Komodo: AWWWWWWWWW!

Bex: You always pick boring places!

Zak: Remember the museum exhibit on weaving?

Fisk, Bex and Komodo: Ughhhhhhhhhhh.

Doc: It's still her turn! We're going wherever she wants and so help me you WILL enjoy yourselves!

Drew: Aw, thank you. *pulls over* Ok, everybody out.

Everybody: *gets out*

Zak: Where is it?

Drew: We're walking.

Fisk: But-

Doc: You WILL enjoy yourselves.

Zak and Bex: *look at each other and shrug*

Bex: *skips along the sidewalk* We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of- *runs into a lamppost and falls over* OW!

Fisk: *explodes laughing*

Zak: Wizard of OZ, stupid.

Bex: I meant to do that!

Drew: *rolls eyes*

Bex: I did.

Doc: *helps Bex up* Are you all right?

Bex: Yeah... I don't think I've got any brain damage.

Drew: That's a surprise.

Doc: What do you mean?

Drew: Well, there have been nights when none of us have slept, the kids have been high, drunk and temporarily insane and we've eaten almost nothing but burgers and trail mix for this whole trip!

Zak: And that means brain damage?

Doc: If that doesn't I don't know what does.

Bex: Hey, look at that. *points* What is that?

Zak: What's- OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!

Fisk: IT'S SO SHINY!

Komodo: What is it?

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A/N: What is IT? I really don't know! What do you all think IT is?


	53. This Chapter Title is Too Long To Type

Zak: What's- OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!

Fisk: IT'S SO SHINY!

Komodo: What is it?

Drew: ...I don't see how that's so great...

Doc: Hey,a new frozen yogurt place!

Bex: I love frozen yogurt! Can we go, can we Mom can we go huh huh please?

Zak, Fisk and Komodo: Please? We'll be good!

Drew: *sigh* ...Ok...

Doc, Bex, Zak, Fisk and Komodo: YAY! *run into the frozen yogurt store*

Drew: *follows*

Bex: *walks into someone* Oh, sorry kid.

Zak: *trips* Ow! Hey, who did that?

Grim: What are these guys going here? I thought we were just taking Fred Fredburger out for frozen yogurt. *points at Fred*

Fred: *presses face against display case* I like mint. Mint mint mint.

Doc: Uh... What is that thing?

Drew: Doc, the Grim Reaper!

Grim: Hey, today's my day off. I'm not harvesting _your_ souls today.

Billy: Then whose souls are you harvesting?

Grim: Yours if you don't shut up. *pulls out scythe*

Mandy: You can't harvest the soul of one of your best friends forever, Grim.

Bex: BEASTLY! You're friends with him?

Mandy: *examines fingernails* As I should be.

Zak: NASTY!

Fisk: *licks display case* Hey, this frozen yogurt tastes like invisible!

Fred: Hey, that's my line! He- he stole my line! AAH! *yells ad grabs his head like he's got a brainfreeze*

Grim: Here Fred, why don't I buy you some yogurt? *buys him a yogurt*

Fred: I like frozen yogurt! Yes. *takes the yogurt and sits down*

Billy: What about us?

Grim: Three more please. *gives Billy and Mandy their yogurt* Happy now?

Billy: But I don't like chocolate.

Grim: Shut up or you're gonna get it.

Billy: I LOVE CHOCOLATE! *inhales his yogurt*

Mandy: *shakes head*

Drew: (nervously) We should get out of here... It isn't a good idea to mess with the supernatural.

Zak: Who said we were messing with him?

Drew: *jerks her thumb at Bex*

Bex: *pokes her finger in Grim's eye socket* Whooo... whoooooooooo...

Fisk: *claps* Eat some more! Eat some more!

Grim: *eats more yogurt but it falls out of his mouth* I hate kids.

Billy: Again. *waves his arms wildly* AGAIN!

Komodo: I want yogurt!

Bex: Whoo... *leaves Grim alone* I want yogurt too!

Mandy: You can understand that thing?

Bex: You and Bignose hang out with the Grim Reaper.

Mandy: Touche.

Zak: Let's get yogurt!

Doc: All right, all right, what kind do you want?

Bex: Chocolate!

Zak: Strawberry!

Fisk: Vanilla!

Komodo: Mint!

Doc: Ok, that's... One of each. Drew? *looks at Drew*

Drew: I want some!

Doc: Two chocolate, two strawberry, one vanilla and one mint.

Everybody: *takes their yogurt*

Bex: Hey, where'd that Fred guy go?

Fred: Frere Jaques, frere Jaques, I gotta poo! I gotta poo! Blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah, ding dong FRED FREDBURGER! Yes.

Billy: YES.

Fred: YES!

Zak and Bex: NO!

Grim: *laughs*

Mandy: *shakes head*

Drew: Ok, you got your yogurt. Can we go?

Doc: We shouldn't eat this in the car, we've already done enough to it.

Everybody: *remembers all the things they've done to the car in a brief, handily-placed montage*

[Montage start (is it still a montage if there isn't music or is that a compilation?)]

Bex: Komodo! No! Don't EAT THAT! This is a rental car!

[transition]

Everybody: *runs out of the city*

Doc: That's one car the rental company won't be getting back.

[transition]

Doc: We're skidding into a ditch! Everybody out!

Everybody: *throws themselves out of the car* AAH!

[transition]

Drew: Less talking, more cowering! *shoves the hobo's head down*

Bex: *a hobo-face-shaped dent appears in the ceiling above her, she screams and throws herself at Zak*

[transition]

Doc: *working the car* Screwdriver. *holds out his hand*

Fisk: *hands him the screwdriver* Screwdriver.

Doc: Sandwich. *holds out his hand*

Fisk: Sandwich. *gives Doc his sandwich*

[transition]

Fisk: *sits up in the backseat* Keep it down up there... I got a headache.

[End]

Mandy: Wow. You people are hard on your car.

Grim: You're right- the rental company is NOT gonna want that thing back.

Drew: Oh that's not all of it. Want to see when it was in the police lot or when my brother drove it?

Bex: Uh oh... I spilled my yogurt on myself.

Drew: What? Oh, honey... You got it all over your sweater.

Doc: Maybe we should've eaten in the car.

fred and Billy: *grab Zak's yogurt and run*

Zak: HEY! I was eating that!

Doc: Never mind the yogurt, we're leaving. Drew, do you want to-

Drew: NO! NO NO NO NO NO! WE ARE NOT STOPPING AGAIN FOR A VERY LONG TIME!

Doc: Ok...

Grim: See you when you die! *waves cheerily*

Billy: BYE! *waves wildly*

Mandy: Take me with you...

Bex: You do NOT want to come on this trip.

Zak: So far we've been everywhere but where we're trying to go!

Mandy: I've been to the shadow world, the Underworld, the North Pole, the puppet dimension and places so horrible they would make your precious little ears fall off if I told you what they were.

Billy: General Skarr's yard is horrible?

Mandy: *smacks Billy*

Zak: (nervously) Mom...

Drew: OUT! OUT! EVERYBODY! GO! *pushes everybody out the door*

Everybody: *gets in the car*

Drew: Ok. No more frozen yogurt.

Bex: That's going on the list with 'No more fancy restaurants' and 'Dad can't drive.'

Zak: Dad, write that down.

Doc: *takes a notepad from the glove compartment and writes on it* No more frozen yogurt. Got it.

Bex: The list actually exists?

Fisk: Believe it, sister.

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A/N: Yeah, I had to do this eventually. You know you laughed.

The official title of this chapter was meant to be _The Saturdays' Secretly Grim Adventures with Billy and Mandy (and Fred Fredburger)._ Like it says in the chapter title list, it was too long to type there due to character limiting.


	54. Chapter That Might Be Changed

Bex: Phew! It smells like updog in here.

Zak: What's updog?

Bex: The sky! Ha ha ha!

Zak: Oh, I get it... Not funny.

Fisk: *plugs his nose* Ugh! She's right though, it stinks!

Doc: *opens the door* Well, unless you'd like to sleep in the car, this is the only place to stop for 20 miles.

Drew: I don't care if it's a crappy motel, get me out of that minivan! *goes in*

Zak: I told you we should've rented the 15-passenger.

Doc: I don't need my 12-year-old son telling me what to do!

Zak: *shrugs*

Bex: *inside* Hey bro... Does this look weirdly familiar to anybody but me?

Zak: *goes in* Whoa, it looks just like Doyle's apartment!

Bex: Only without the guns, or the picture of us, or the microwave explosion stain on the wall, or the syrup stain on the carpet, or Doyle.

Zak: Thank you Captain Obvious.

Bex: Welcome!

Fisk: MY TURN FOR THE COUCH! *collapses on the couch*

Bex: THAT'S NOT FAIR!

Zak: It's my turn for the couch!

Bex: I had to sleep on the floor last time we stopped, the couch is mine!

Doc: The couch pulls out! You can share!

Zak: Dad... Isn't that kinda weird?

Bex: Oh, get over yourself. We're brother and sister!

Zak: Mom and Doyle never-

Bex: *throws her hands in the air* Mom's married to Dad! If you were married who would you rather share a bed with, me or your wife?

Doc: THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER.

Drew: Fisk, bathtub. Komodo, floor. Zak and Doc, couch. Bex, you can share the bed with me.

Doc: *wilts* Aw, what'd I do?

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A/N: Yes Doc, yes it is. That conversation is so very over. I don't know what boy/girl sibling families do in hotels, but I assume either something like this or somebody gets the tub.

Is that a little weird? Tell me, I can redo this if it is.


	55. I'm Still Alive!

**Ways to Annoy the Secret Saturdays Characters: Part Three!**

**Disclaimer: ...You should know this by now! If you get put in the asylum, NOT MY PROBLEM!**

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Insist Komodo is related to Perry the Platypus from _Phineas and Ferb. _Follow him around singing the Perry the Platypus theme song: Do be do be do ba, do be do be do ba, do be do be do ba AGENT P! (or K for Komodo.)

Follow Zak around wearing a Tshirt that says "I'm with Kur."

Give Ulraj and Wadi "I'm with Kur" Tshirts!

Make "Dramatic Chipmunk" videos of all the Secret Scientists. _Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN!_

Dye Fiskerton green and run around yelling "The Grinch! The Grinch!"

Sell everything they own on eBay to rabid fans of the show.

Randomly spout random quotes from the show.

Try to put Ulraj in your aquarium.

Pelt Ulraj with Swedish Fish! Or fish sticks! Or Goldfish crackers! Or sushi! Or any other food item you can think of/find around the base/somehow get your hands on that has to do with fish!

Ask him if he knows Aqua Man or the Little Mermaid. Or where Atlantis is. He could probably tell you too!

Sing him all the songs you know that have anything to do with water.

Insist Beeman's name really isn't Arthur Beeman, it's Louden Boring.

Ask Miranda Grey if one of her relatives is named Earl.

Dress everybody up like characters from other random series. Like Scooby Doo! Komodo as Scooby!

Ask if random animals you know aren't cryptids are cryptids, like platypus or giant squid.

Sing the Jeopardy theme song when you're waiting for something to happen.

"You might be a Secret Scientist if..."

Wear one of those shirt that says something like "Know how to keep stupid people busy? Read the other side of this shirt!" and laugh if somebody reads the whole thing over and over.

Invite your friends over and get them all to imitate a Secret Scientist during a Secret Scientist meeting. Make sure they see you and if they get mad say "But we just wanted to be like you!"

Sing "Old MacDonald" and say that he had cryptids on his farm.

Every time someone asks you a question, answer "It's a secret!" When they look a you like _what is wrong with this idiot? _say "Well you are a Secret Scientist right?"

Keep poking people and saying "Poke" over and over.

Try to get Zak to work his Kur powers on a narwhal!

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A/N: It's been a few weeks since I did anything on any of my stories... Not that I work much on any of my other stories anyway. Anywho, happy Valentine's Day _Road Trip_ fans! I love you all!


	56. Saturday Family Rules

Saturday Family Rules

by Bex Saturday

Listen up, people. If you're thinking about becoming a Saturday kid, brother or sister, and flying around having adventures with Mom and Dad and Zak and Fisk, here's some things that I learned that you might need to know too.

The Firesword is not an air guitar.

Neither is the Claw.

Mom is not a ninja, nor was she raised by them, and I am to stop telling people that she was/is.

Mom is also not a fairy princess.

And she cannot perform magic.

Dad's nickname is still Doc. I am to call him Dad, not Captain Obvious.

Uncle Doyle is in no way associated with "Dog: the Bounty Hunter."

Fiskerton fur is not an acceptable thing to put in a sandwich, no matter HOW many times I see Mom do it.

Doctor Beeman is NOT an alien in disguise.

Platypuses and narwhals are not cryptids, and I should stop trying to get Zak to control them.

Uncle Doyle and Mom are not really "The Human Torch" and "The Invisible Woman."

No matter how nasty awesome it would be, I can't fly. Anything. Not even myself.

Dad is not replacing his blind eye with a bionic one that shoots lasers no matter how many times I ask.

Ulraj is not related to Aquaman.

It is not appropriate to sing "Arabian Nights" around a member of the Hassi.

No matter how beastly it would be to have a brother named "Friday Saturday," Mom and Dad were not considering naming Zak "Friday."

Agent Epsilon has eyes. He and his people can see and I am to stop saying that their sonic collars are actually echolocation collars.

I am to stop telling people that Dad is from the Solomon Islands.

For the love of all things good, I will please, PLEASE stop calling my friends at unholy hours of the night (even though it's still light out where they live and I can't sleep).

My name is not "Bob McBob" and I do not live in "Bobland." I will stop asking people if they want to visit my "Castle of Bob."

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A/N: Yeah. I just started thinking these up one afternoon and this happened. Not much to say really, if I can think of more you'll read 'em!


	57. Cornucopia of Justice, Author Not Dead

Drew: Guess what.

Bex: (boredly) What?

Doc: Your mother and I have dinner reservations at that new restaurant.

Komodo: REALLY? That place only lets you in if you're the richest of the rich!

Bex: Did you forget who our dad is?

Fisk: Wait a second...

Zak: You're just gonna leave us at McDonald's to our own devices aren't you. Remember what happened last time you left us at home alone...

Doc: Leave YOU FOUR alone? Do you think we're crazy? You're coming along. And we have three extra seats.

Fisk: Can we invite Uncle Doyle and Wadi and Ulraj?

Drew: Already on their way.

Zak, Bex, Fisk and Komodo: AWESOME!

~Later~

Doyle: Hey, Miniman, Professor, Drew, MiniDrew!

Bex: Uncle Doyle!

Ulraj: *gives Zak a wet Willy*

Wadi: *sneaks up behind Zak and kisses him*

Bex: *snickers*

Zak: *lunges at Bex* Ok, that's it!

Bex: Eep! *backs up* MOM! Zak's making death threats and I didn't even say anything!

Drew: Zak, no threatening your sister unless she gives you a reason.

Zak: She snickered!

Doc: Do you want to go in and eat or not?

Doyle: Let's get to our seats.

Zak: *goes in and sits down* I can't believe that these people let Fisk and Komodo in!

Everybody Else: *sits*

Doc: My suspicion: As long as it brings in money, they'll do it.

Bex: Dang this place is fancy! Lookit! non-fake plants! *points*

Drew: *fake laughs and puts Bex's arm down* Keep your voice down honey.

Waiter: Are you ready to order your drinks?

All: *order their drinks*

Zak: A toast to Mom and Dad, for taking us all out to dinner!

Drew: Awwwwwww!

Doc: For once... I feel normal.

Kids: *make funny faces, fall over onto ground*

Doyle: Professor...

Drew: *sniffs drinks*

Doc: What? *stupid sense tingles* Oh crap.

Drew: These drinks have ALCOHOL in them. Why do they give alcohol to minors?

Zak: *gets up* GASP! CAPTURED AGAIN! *strikes a pose* CORNUCOPIA OF JUSTICE, ASSEMBLE! *strikes new pose* BANANAMAN!

Doyle: ...Eh...

Drew: Was he not drunk the first time?

Doyle: Actually no.

Wadi: *strikes a pose* BANANAWOMAN!

Bex: CITRUS CHICK! *strikes a pose*

Ulraj: KIWI KID! *strikes a pose with kiwi guns that pop out of nowhere*

Fisk: CAPTAIN APPLE! *strikes a pose with sniper gun that also pops out of nowhere*

Komodo: CANTELOUPE CANINE! *strikes a pose*

Kids: CORNUCOPIA OF JUSTICE, ASSEMBLED!

Drew: Zak, Zak baby, please don't do this to me! Please?

Zak: I KNOW NOT OF THIS ZAK OF WHOM YOU SPEAK. SERIOUSlY, WHO THE HECK IS THIS ZAK PERSON?

Doc: *bangs head on table*

Waiter: 0_o

Ulraj: GASP! We are in the lair of EVIL!

Doyle: Who?

Zak: *gasp* Not the Extraordinarily Villainous Individual League!

Drew: *snickers*

Doc and Doyle: *look at Drew and raise eyebrow*

Drew: What?

Fisk: *falls to his knees* WHY'D YOU DO IT? WHY'D YOU BETRAY THE CORNUCOPIA OF JUSTICE?

Doc: I was never on Bananaman's side!

Waiters: *try to capture team*

Komodo: GASP! EVIL HENCH... THINGS!

Ulraj: TAKE THIS, HENCHIES! *fires several blasts from his peeled kiwi gun*

Waiter: *gets it in the face and gets a bruise*

Doc: With Zak and Bex's Kur powers out of control, these illusions could very well be real!

Bex: DEFEAT THE HENCES!

Drew: *grabs the waiter that served them by the front of the shirt* WHY DID YOU PUT ALCOHOL IN MY KIDS' DRINKS?

Waiter: I- It's a policy. You shouldn't bring kids here.

Drew: *angry face* Oh I'll show you policy you #$%^&#*)! *throws waiter across room*

Waiter: *lands on a table while several well dressed people move their plates out of the way*

Zak: FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE BANANA WAY!

Doyle: *grabs at Wadi*

Doc: *fighting off Komodo* Hey!

Wadi: Let go of me traitor! *jabs a bananarang in Doyle's eye*

Doyle: *screams swear word, drops Wadi and clutches his face*

Fiskerton: RALLY TOGETHER! WE'VE ALMOST- Huh? *falls over unconscious*

Kids: *fall over unconscious*

Adults: Phew!

Doyle: Crap. Now we're gonna get kicked out AND we have to drag them to the car.

Drew: *Picks up Wadi and Bex* It could be worse.

Chef: *approaches Doc* Sir, we have to ask that you leave immediately.

Doc: Leave THIS! *right hook to the face* And I want my money back.

~Later~

Zak: *wakes up*

Zak: Uh?

Doc: Morning Zak.

Zak: *Sees Wadi and Ulraj in back* Why are they here?

Drew: Wadi and Ulraj are staying until they're sane.

Doyle: *mumble* Isn't that just asking for MORE trouble?

Drew: We're Saturdays. Stuff usually works out for the Saturdays.

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A/N: Me = not dead. I don't know why I haven't updated in forever, it just hasn't occurred to me. HAVE NO FEAR! I WILL be updating at least once a week from now on like I usually do. Thanks for being patient.

HUGE thank you to autobark321 for writing this chapter. I only edited it, but the next one is all me. There's gonna be a Leeroy Jenkins! Tomorrow, hopefully.


	58. Leeroy Jenkins is Not a Ninja Skill

A/N: "Seat order" comes in a little important in this chapter, so to make sure you understand:

NORMAL "WHO'S-IN-WHAT-SEAT"

Driver seat: Drew

Passenger seat: Doc

Behind Drew: Bex

Behind Doc: Zak

Back: Fisk/Zone O' Death/Komodo

WHO'S IN WHAT SEAT RIGHT NOW

Driver seat: Drew

Passenger seat: Doc

Behind Drew: Zak

Behind Doc: Ulraj

Back: Bex/Doyle/Wadi

Trunk: Fisk/Komodo

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Zak: I have to go to the bathroom!

Ulraj: Doctor Saturday! I'm carsick!

Wadi: Ouch! Move over! *shoves Doyle*

Doyle: Hey, ow!

Bex: Get off!

Fisk: I'm squashed!

Komodo: Get that suitcase off my tail!

Doc: *asleep with the atlas over his face*

Drew: -.e *pokes Doc*

Doc: *wakes up* Mrf? What was that for?

Drew: Make them stop...

Bex and Wadi: *get into a slap fight, screaming random things*

Doyle: HEY!

Zak: Dad! Ulraj's gonna call ralph!

Komodo: *suitcase falls on him* AAH!

Doc: SHUT _UP_! Just shut up! All of you!

Drew: *pulls over*

Ulraj: *throws himself out of the car and lands face-first in the dirt*

Bex: ...You ok Ulraj?...

Ulraj: I'd like to go home now, thank you.

Wadi: So would I.

Zak: You're just annoyed because Bex and Doyle are hogging the seat.

Doyle: Hey! I'm not hogging the seat, there's hardly and seat to hog!

Wadi; No, I am annoyed because she will not stop making jokes about us being in love.

Zak: Eh... *blushes and rubs the back of his head* Heh. Yeah.

Bex: I rest my case. *crosses arms*

Fisk: Can I get out of the trunk now?

Komodo: At least we stopped moving!

Drew: Get back in the car, Ulraj. We'll take you home after lunch.

Ulraj: *gets back in the car*

Fisk: When's lunch?

Doc: As soon as we find a place that has food.

Doyle: Any place?

Doc: What are you suggesting?

Doyle: Why don't we hold up a grocery store?

Drew: By "hold up," do you mean-

Bex: Allllll riiiiiight, we finally get to use the kick-butt ninja skillz Doyle taught us!

Zak: Yess! *punches the air*

Doc: You're not suggesting we-

Wadi: Steal from a store? Even I would not do that.

Ulraj: I would. I have diplomatic immunity.

Zak: Nobody thinks you even exist anymore, of course they can't arrest you.

Doyle: It's either my way or we drive until we find a restaurant. *crosses arms*

Doc and Drew: *look at each other*

~Later~

Everybody: *goes in*

Zak: You want us to start distracting them now?

Doc: Wait for it.

Drew: Not quite yet.

Doyle: Who are we kidding, go now!

Bex: *turns to Wadi and Ulraj* Doyle taught us this the first day he taught us. *takes a deep breath and runs down the frozen food aisle, screaming* LEEEEEROOOOOY JEEEEENKIIIIINS!

Ulraj: Surface ninjas have very interesting techniques.

Wadi and Zak: *facepalm*

Drew: Exactly how is teaching them how to "Leeroy Jenkins" teaching them anything?

Doyle: Not my fault. They just saw me do it, I never taught them to.

Doc: With Bex that's practically the same thing!

Bex: I COULD USE A HAND HERE!

Everybody Else: Oh right.

Zak: *pulls the bottom can out of a stack of canned tuna* Huh. I guess it's only in the movies it all falls over when you do this. *cans fall over on him* GAAAH!

Wadi: *jumps on a counter and throws fruit at people* Take that! And that!

Ulraj: *runs everywhere grabbing stuff*

Drew: *leans against a wall and looks at her nails*

Doc: I think they can handle this.

Doyle: *whistles innocently*

Doc: There goes my stupid sense.

Drew: Your stupid sense has been going off a lot lately.

Doyle: Hey Professor.

Doc: Huh?

Doyle: *smashes a pie in Doc's face*

Doc: *wipes pie filling out of his eyes* Oh it's on now.

Doyle: Bring it fool.

Drew: *sighs* You two are almost as bad as the kids.

Doc and Doyle: FOOD FIGHT! *grab random food and throw it at each other so fast their arms are a blur*

Drew: Zak, Bex, Wadi, Ulraj! Time to go!

Kids: Coming! *run out and get in the car*

Drew: *wanders out after them and gets in the car*

Zak: That was Dad and Doyle having a food fight wasn't it.

Drew: Yep.

Bex: Lucky. I stole some grapes, what'd you take Wadi?

Wadi: Canned ravioli.

Fisk: Ugh.

Ulraj: Have I told you-

Zak: That you once composed an opera?

Bex: About tuna?

Wadi: And that you've heard it's wonderful?

Ulraj: ...No...

Zak, Bex and Wadi: Yes.


	59. Saturday Family Rules: 2

**Saturday Family Rules: Part 2**

The Firesword is not, nor has it ever been, an appropriate way to light a campfire.

Putting Smokey the Bear stickers all over Mom's Firesword case will get me grounded, not get her to be more careful where she shoots.

I am not to use the Firesword to roast marshmallows or hotdogs.

I am to stop calling Uncle Doyle "Fauxhawk."

Even though they're not an endangered species and we all hate them, I will stop saying I want to start a business that makes purses out of dead Nagas.

Dad does not know Bruce Wayne.

Dad is not the Green Lantern.

It is not always "Saturday, October 7th" wherever we go, EVEN THOUGH there are seven of us, we dress like Halloween, and our last name is Saturday.

Zak is Kur, not "the Chosen One."

I am not allowed to call Dad's cooking "nasty," even if I meant it as a good thing and the next word I was going to say was "awesome."

Komodo's tail will not grow back if I pull it off. I will stop trying to pull it off.

Pokemon are not cryptids, and giving Dad a Pokedex instead of his cryptipedia will get me yelled at.

We are not, nor have we ever been "in Kansas anymore." I will stop saying that whenever we land.

I will not loudly ask "What kind of a stupid idea is THAT?" during a Secret Scientist meeting, even if it IS a stupid idea.

Dr. Cheechoo does not know Santa.

I am not allowed to stand behind Mom's pilot's chair and yell PEW PEW PEW during dogfights.

They're fireflies, not alien brain probes. I will apologize to Dr. Beeman.

Uranus is NOT the biggest planet in the solar system.

I will stop trying to send Dr. Beeman on a space mission to Krypton.

"Secret Agent Man" is not Doyle's theme song.

Our address is not "second star to the right and straight on til morning" even if we ARE that hard to find.

My life does not need sound effects added live by me, or anyone else, of ANYTHING.

Snipes do not exist, and putting them in the cryptipedia is a cruel joke.

Singing "It Ain't Easy Being Green" will make the Greymen try to kill me.

I AM NOT ARGOST REINCARNATED.

Mom is not an albino.

Mom cannot speak Klingon.

Miranda Grey will not sing songs from "The Sound of Music" for me, even if she sounds exactly like Julie Andrews playing Maria.

The flying monkeys from "The Wizard of Oz" are not cryptids, nor do they exist.

You do not get pinkeye by wearing pink-tinted lenses all the time and I am to stop telling Dr. Beeman that even though he doesn't believe me anywho.

Calling Dad "Cyclops" is just evil and wrong.

Kur powers are not the cryptid version of the "Vulcan Mind Meld."

The "One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater" is not a cryptid, and it does not exist either.

Zak does not have "Spidey Sense."

I will not lay Indiana Jones music in the airship while we're flying.

Putting ice cream all over everyone does not make us a "Saturday Sundae."

The monks who gave Mom the Firesword did not make Thor's hammer.

I am to stop telling people that Dad is Harry Potter in disguise because they have almost identical scars, or any other reason for that matter.

Putting a mop on my head does not make me look like Mom.

Ulraj does not live in Davy Jones's Locker.

NO, I may NOT fill the living room with pudding, IS MOM MAKING HERSELF CLEAR?

I am not allowed to buy Fiskerton a copy of "How to Eat Fried Worms" because then he might, you know, try to eat fried worms.

I will not ask adults what they're talkin' 'bout, Willis. Especially Dad. (Asking Zak is ok though.)

Fiskerton is not related to Chewbaca.

I will not program Deadbolt to do my chores.


	60. This Chapter Has No Point

Bex: Uuuuuuugh...*bangs head against window*

Zak: How long are we going to be IN THIS CAR?

Ulraj: Why are we even still here?

Wadi: *shrugs*

Doyle: *asleep, snoring* Zzzzzzzz...

Fisk: Great. Now he snores?

Drew: I HATE TRAFFIC! *bangs head on steering wheel*

Doc: We're not even anywhere NEAR the coast... It's probably going to be a while before we can get you home Ulraj.

Bex: *thinks for a second, raising eyebrow* How'd you two get here in the first place? There's a whole ocean between where you live and here.

Wadi: *blank look* Honestly, I do not even know. With your family I just have to "go with it."

Ulraj: Likewise, but not in as many words.

Zak: Isn't there anything to do?

Wadi: Like what? Unless you have a forest that you an pull out of your pocket- and I would know if you did- we can't do anything worth playing!

Fisk: She always beats us at Capture the Flag anyway.

Bex: How about... Uh... D'oh, my brain hurts. I'm pulling a Doyle. *leans against Doyle and tries to go to sleep*

Fisk: Yuck! She left a face print on the window!

Zak: *points* Ha, look. She was drooling.

Bex: I WAS NOT!

Fisk: Look! There's drool all down the window.

Bex: *holds up a fist* There's gonna be my fist all down your nose if you don't shut up.

Doc: Bex... Don't threaten your brothers.

Bex: Zak started it! *crosses her arms and throws herself back against the seat*

Fisk: HAW HAW! *points at Bex*

Zak: Really Fiskerton? Just really?

Ulraj: Ah... Ah... Ah... ACHOO! *sneezes so hard his ears wiggle*

Wadi and Bex: *laugh*

Ulraj: That is not funny!

Bex: Yes it is!

Zak: Your ears wiggle when you sneeze.

Doc: *chuckles*

Ulraj: *looks PO'ed*

Bex: Aw, don't be offended Ulraj...

Wadi: It's really cute! *she and Bex explode laughing*

Ulraj: Cute. CUTE? My ears are not CUTE! I am the king of Kumari Kandam-

Bex: That doesn't mean you can't look cute when you sneeze!

Wadi: *giggling* Adorable!

Drew: Finally, they agree on something.

Ulraj: I don't want to be cute. I want to go home.

Drew: You can get out and walk! I'd be happy to have one less of you in the car!

Doc: Drew.

Drew: Awh, fine.

Doyle: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

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"HAW HAW!" -Nelson, The Simpsons


	61. Another Leeroy

~After they finally get rid of Wadi and Ulraj~

Fisk: Hey Mom, Doyle's still asleep.

Bex: *pokes Doyle* Y'think he's dead?

Zak: Dead people don't drool.

Fisk: He had a snot bubble a couple hours ago...

Bex: I think he's dead. *pokes Doyle*

Doyle: Poke me one more time and YOU'LL be dead.

Bex: *pulls back* Eep!

Zak: Hey Doyle. You missed breakfast-

Drew: And lunch, and dinner, and breakfast again.

Doyle: *sits up and yawns*

Doc: We didn't want to get rid of you while you were asleep.

Doyle: Hey, thanks Professor. *digs around under the seat for the snack box*

Doc: Yeah, don't get used to it.

Drew: *facepalm*

Doyle: I wasn't planning on it.

Drew: Do you want us to drive back to your place?

Bex: WHAT?

Zak: NOOO!

Doc: Drew!

Doyle: It's ok. I can fly back.

Drew: I don't see how you all would have a problem with going back.

Zak: Mom.

Bex: You just said it. We'd be going back!

Doc: This is taking long enough!

Doyle: *eats a granola bar* Meh. I'll be out of your hair by lunch.

Bex: Are we gonna hold up another grocery store?

Zak: Yeah! Yeah, can we?

Doc and Drew: NO.

Drew: That was a one-time thing. I don't want to get arrested again.

Doc: The key word there is AGAIN.

Doyle: Hey, I've been in the slammer more than you've been in your lab man. It's not that bad-

Drew: If you don't want a social worker to take your kids!

Doyle: Anyway, shoplifting? That's juvie stuff. You wanna go to jail you gotta do something BIG. Assault, grand theft, breaking and entering...

Doc: Giving your niece and nephew ideas...

Doyle: *realizes what he's saying* Oh. Uh. Heh...

Bex: (cutely) You're awesome Uncle Doyle.

Zak: Did you do all that stuff when you worked for van Rook?

Doyle: Hey, ok, first it was WITH van Rook, and second, I was in jail WAY before I met him.

Drew: AHEM!

Doc: Don't make me shove you out the window.

Doyle: ...Just pull over and let me out already then.

Bex: *clings to Doyle's arm* Awwwww, nooooooo!

Zak: Come on Dad!

Doc: Ok, ok! Just until lunch.

Drew: *smiles* Good boy.

Doc: *frowns*

~Later~

Bex: *covers her nose* FUH! It smells like butt in here...

Zak: *coughs* AGH! Oh man that is nasty.

Drew: Can you two PLEASE have some manners just for once?

Bex: Oh we've got manners.

Zak: We're just not using them.

Drew: Doc, Doyle-

Doyle: UGH! *fans the air in front of his face*

Doc: *pinches his nose and holds his breath*

Drew: *groans* Ugh. Let's go.

Zak: But we're hungry.

Bex: ButT is what it smells like! GO MAN GO! *pushes Zak out the door*

Everybody Else: *follows*

Doyle: *panting* Never eat at a place that smells like that unless you're desperate.

Doc: *panting* Speaking from experience?

Doyle: Yes.

Drew: *facepalm*

Bex: *takes a deep breath* WHOO!

Zak: New plan! New plan!

Drew: Ok I give. Any grocery stores near here?

~Later~

Everybody: LEEROY JENKINS!


	62. Bex Swears

~at a campsite in the middle of nowhere, as usual~

Zak: *leans into the trunk to get a suitcase*

Bex: *drags a suitcase to the tent* Man, this munches butt.

Fisk: Yeah.

Doc: Excuse me if this is the only place to stop for miles around.

Drew: At least there aren't any bugs.

Bex: Oh, most definitely.

Zak: I heard that!

Fisk: Totally!

Ulraj: *launches himself out of the trees and tackles Zak*

Zak: AAH! Ulraj what the crap!

Bex: What is HE doing here?

Doc and Drew: (defensively) I don't know!

Ulraj: I'm annoying you.

Zak: You're annoying me all right. Get off! *shoves Ulraj away and they both get up*

Doc: How did you even get here? I thought Kumari Kandam could only travel through bodies of water that were connected.

Zak: Yeah, but the Hassi guard the Mother River, the source of all water on earth.

Bex: It's all connected, Dad. *shrugs*

Drew: *coughcough*OHBURN*coughcough*

Doc: *coughcough*I'MSTILLSMARTER*coughcough*

Ulraj: I was bored and wanted to come spend some time with my best friends. *puts an arm around Zak and Bex's necks*

Zak: (slightly strangled) We're your best friends?

Bex: (slightly strangled) Wow man you need to get out more.

*something falls off the car*

Doc: *gets down to look under the car* Fudge.

Drew: Something important?

Doc: *nods* I'm gonna have to walk into the next city to get a replacement. Can you hold down the fort while I'm gone?

Drew: *looks over at Zak and Ulraj wrestling and Bex cheering for Zak* I can handle them.

~Later~

Bex: *grabs a sheet of paper out of Drew's suitcase* What's this? *reads it* DUDE, NO WAY! Bro, Ulraj!

Zak: 'Sup?

Bex: Mom has a list of magical swear words...

Zak: Bogus.

Ulraj: You are lying.

Bex: *holds up three fingers* Clone's honor.

Zak: Ok then, I triple-dog-dare you to SCREAM ONE!

Ulraj: As loud as you can!

Zak: Yes! *hi-fives Ulraj*

Bex: Oh you are so on foo'. *takes a deep breath and screams* VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE!

Fisk: (accusingly) Oooooohhhhh...

Zak: *maniacal laughter* HAHAHAHAHAH- Voldemort's- AHAHAHAH- no way-

Ulraj: Um, I'm not going to ask...

Drew: *looks out of the tent* WHAT was that?

Bex: Nothing Mom! *runs off*

Drew: It'd BETTER be nothing!

Zak and Ulraj: *chase Bex, laughing*

Bex, Zak and Ulraj: *skid to a stop*

Zak: *falls over in the dirt* Dude. Oh man. That was... *mad laughter*

Bex: I gotta do that again. Wanna make prank calls?

Zak: Yeah!

Ulraj: Prank calls?

Zak: It's where you call someone and make up a fake message and make them sound stupid.

Bex: Then you laugh in their face and hang up.

Ulraj: Excellent! *rubs his hands together evilly*

Bex: Zak, run back and steal a phone real fast. I don't think I should go back near Mom with the list of swears.

Zak: *salutes* Roger. *runs off and comes back with a phone*

Bex: *runs her finger down the list* Ooh, here's a good one. Who should we call?

Zak: Beeman?

Bex: I like the way you think! *grabs the phone and calls*

Zak: Watch this.

Beeman: *answers* What?

Bex: *giggles* Leprechaun taint!

Beeman: What the-

Zak: *maniacal laughter*

Bex: *hangs up, laughing* Aah, I love this family. Who else's mom has a list of magic swear words?

Ulraj: *opens his mouth*

Zak: Rhetorical question.

Ulraj: Oh.

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A/N: The magical swears belong to whoever made Potter Puppet Pals, not me. Though I wish it was me. Don't we all.

More prank calls to come!


	63. The Thing

Bex: *shakes Zak* Zak! Get up!

Zak: (moaning) Whaaaaat?

Bex: We forgot Mom's thing!

Zak: *sits up* The important thing?

Bex: The very important one!

Zak: Aw, Voldemort's nipple! What are we gonna do?

Bex: *grabs her head* I don't know, I don't know...

Doc: What's going on? You two keep it down, your mother's still asleep.

Zak: We know.

Bex: Believe us, we know.

Zak: Dad, we forgot to get Mom that thing!

Doc: That thing she wanted?

Bex: The important one!

Doc: Shoot, shoot, shoot! This is not good!

Fisk: Guys! We didn't-

Doc, Zak and Bex: We know!

Fisk: I got a plan though! Just listen! *tells his plan*

Doc: That... actually makes sense.

Zak: And we're not all high.

Bex: Great! So we all know what we're doing then?

Doc, Zak and Fisk: *nod*

Bex: Ok awesome. Hands in. *puts her hand out*

Zak: ...Why?

Doc: I have to go get ready now...

Fisk: What is this, gym class?

Bex: *crosses arms* Wusses.

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A/N: What is the thing? All will be revealed next chapter... *is all spooky-like*


	64. The Thing pt 2: Mom's Day

A/N: Yeah... I know this chapter is kind of late... I had writer's block. But you were right, Drew's "thing" is a Mother's Day present that they forgot to get. Oops. *cough*IBLAMEDOC*cough*

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Drew: *wakes up and looks around* Well, good morning!

Doc: Morning.

Bex: *hugs Drew* Hi Mom!

Zak: *hugs Drew* Happy Mother's Day!

Drew: Aww! You remembered!

Bex: Not just remembered.

Zak: We've got a surprise for you later.

Drew: I love surprises! How much later?

Doc: Get ready.

Drew: I like this surprise already.

~Later, in the middle of nowhere~

Doc: *blindfolds Drew* This way.

Drew: Oh... kay... *walks*

Zak: Ok, ok keep going...

Drew: Honey, I can't see anything.

Bex: You're almost there Mom. Ok... Ok...

Drew: *walks into Bex* OOF!

Bex: OW!

Drew: Oh, sorry... Which one are you? *feels Bex's face*

Bex: Mom, you know it's me.

Drew: *ruffles Bex's hair* I know kiddo, I'm just teasing you.

Zak: Now?

Fisk: Now. *pulls off Drew's blindfold, spinning her around, everybody runs in a different direction*

Drew: Oh! Hey, hey! Where's everybody going?

Bex: Catch us if you can, Mom!

Drew: This is NOT the kind of Mother's Day surprise I was hoping for!

Zak: You'll get the one you want if you catch us!

Drew: Rgh! DOC! *lunges after Doc*

Doc: *dodges, laughing* Nice try honey.

Drew: I WILL KILL YOU ALL!

Fisk: We love you too! *runs away laughing*

Zak and Bex: THIS WAY, THIS WAY! IN HERE!

Zak: *trips in a puddle and slides* This wasn't in the plan! Augh!

Bex: *bursts out laughing*

Drew: Zak!

Fisk: Dad! Lead her this way!

Doc: *taps Drew on the shoulder and runs around the other way*

Drew: *follows Doc into a clearing* Oh...

Zak: *slides to a stop in front of Drew and hurriedly strikes a pose* Uh, happy Mother's Day Mom!

Drew: You made a picnic?

Bex: Well, Dad MADE it. I picked the spot-

Zak *gets up* Fisk thought of the plan, and I set up.

Doc: We also ran out at the last minute ad got you these. *he, Zak and Bex hold up boxes*

Drew: Aw, I love you guys! *holds out her arms* Come on, hug. Everybody in.

Everybody: *hugs Drew*

Drew: Ok, now I want presents.


	65. Road Trip Musical

Bex: Uhhhh, this is SO BORING...

Doc: What am I supposed to do about it?

Bex: I don't know! Something!

Drew: Keep complaining and I'll make you all sing car trip songs.

Zak: That threat hasn't worked since... Like, day two.

Drew: So you WANT to sing trip songs.

Zak and Bex: *wave their hands wildly* NO NO NO NO NO!

~Later~

Fisk: *holds his ears*

Zak and Bex: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves!

Doc: *turns around in his seat* All right! All right! You're on my nerves!

Zak and Bex: *look at each other and are quiet for a few seconds* This is the song that doesn't end! Yes it goes on and on my friend!

Drew: This is the TRIP that doesn't end!

Doc: Don't encourage them!

Drew: Oh you're one to talk!

Bex: On top of old Smokey!

Zak: Row, row, row your boat!

Doc, Drew and Fisk: Argh!

~Later~

Doc: *crosses his arms and frowns*

Zak: Take me out to the ballgame!

Fisk: If your species will continue, clap your hands!

Bex: B-I-N-G-O!

Drew: Second verse, same as the first! Come on Doc, sing!

Doc: No.

Drew: *shrugs* Your loss. *breaks into song*

Doc: Please shoot me.

~Later~

Everybody: Ninety-nine bottles of pop on the wall! Ninety-nine bottles of pop!

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A/N: Yeah... I know. The inspiration for this chapter actually came from a scene from an episode of "My Wife and Kids."

**Songs:**

"**The Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves"**

"**The Song that Doesn't End"**

"**On Top of Old Smokey"**

"**Row, Row, Row your Boat"**

"**Take Me Out to the Ballgame"**

"**If your species will continue clap your hands" -Sid the Sloth, **_**Ice Age 3**_

"**Bingo"**

**I don't know the name of that last song... Something about bottles of pop on the wall I'd assume.**


	66. Fun with Shaving Cream

~Zak, Bex and Fisk are inside, Doc and Drew are outside~

Bex: So which one of your ideas was it to clean up the hotel room?

Fisk: It was mine.

Zak: Yeah, we've been here for two days-

Bex: And that's GOTTA be some kind of a record-

Zak: So now maybe Mom will finally trust us!

Bex: What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? Mom's always been able to trust us!

Zak and Fisk: *whistle innocently*

Bex: OH MY GOB BOYS WHAT'D YOU DO!

Zak: (hurriedly) NOTHING! _ABSOLUTELY_ NOTHING.

Bex: *crosses arms and turns to Fisk* _Fiskerton..._

Fisk: Rgh, I HATE it how you look just like Mom! *points at Zak* IT WAS HIS IDEA!

Bex: *sighs* What do I have to take the blame for this time?

Zak and Fisk: *look at each other and sigh* We filled the car with shaving cream...

Bex: *snorts, then bursts out laughing* The car? With shaving cream? Oh dudes, count me IN! I am SO with you on this one.

Doc: (roaring) You [bleep]ing kids!

Drew: Doc, what on Earth- *Doc opens the car door* ZAK! BEX! FISKERTON!

Bex: Wuh oh.

Zak: Guys, run! *he, Bex and Fisk run as fast as they can in the other direction*

Komodo: Wait for me! *follows them*

Doc and Drew: *run inside*

Fisk: Hide in the pool! *jumps into the pool*

Zak, Bex and Komodo: *jump into the pool*

Drew: *skids to a stop beside the pool* I just heard them! They were right here!

Doc: I think I heard them this way! Come on! *they both run off*

Zak, Bex, Fisk and Komodo: *come up coughing*

Bex: *pushes her hair out of her face* Well, I'd call that a success. Got any shaving cream left?

Zak: Yeah, why?

Bex: I wanna light it on fire in the parking lot.

Zak: You ARE my sister! *gets out of the pool* Let's go!

Bex: *follows Zak*

Fisk: *picks up Komodo and follows them*

Drew: *looks out window* Doc! In the parking lot!

Doc: What are they doing?

Zak: I couldn't find a lighter, but that restaurant across the street gave me a matchbook.

Bex: *puts her tongue between her teeth and shakes the can of shaving cream* RRRR!

Fisk: *sitting on the curb, watching them, claps* This is gonna be so epic...

Bex: *starts spraying shaving cream*

Zak: What're you writing?

Bex: *holds up one finger, still spraying* My... Dad... Is... A... Gigantic... *writes another word* There! Done!

Doc: HEY!

Zak: *mad laughter* Ah, I love you. Let's set it on fire!

Fisk: OOH! That's a swear word!

Zak: Shut up Fiskerton, we're gonna burn it anyway. Mom and Dad will never know.

Bex: Well, they'll know who it was who filled the car with shaving cream, and where it was we hid from them.

Zak: Why's that?

Bex: Because that word's only a swear to a cryptozoologist and we're right next to the car and we're still wet.

Zak: And you're still holding the last can of shaving cream.

Bex: Ezzakly. Now LIGHT IT ON FIRE, MY BROTHER!

Zak: *strikes a match and looks at it curiously* Is this stuff even flammable?

Bex: Only one way to find out! *looks at the can of shaving cream, then shrugs and tosses it over her shoulder*

Drew: Doc, he's got matches!

Zak: *drops the match*

Doc: I see it!

Drew: We're too late! *the shaving cream lights on fire*

Bex: *hands on hips* Well, that was fun. What say we go set the pool on fire boys?

Zak: *holds up one finger* Hold up.

Fisk: Wait for it...

Doc: ZAK! BEX!

Zak: There we go. THAT makes it worth it.*walks off with Bex*

Fisk: *gets up and goes with them* How do you set a pool on fire anyway?

Bex: I have NOO idea.

Zak: It's gonna be fun though!


	67. Doc's Flyswatter

Drew: *paces up and down in front of Zak, Bex and Fisk, counting on her fingers* You _filled the car_ with _shaving cream..._ You _wrote a swear word __**in the parking lot **_and then _set it on fire... _You _deliberately _hid from me and your father... _You. Had. Matches. You set a swimming pool on fire. They had to call the fire department. _I don't even know what to say to you three.

Zak and Bex: We're sorry, Mom...

Drew: Oh, you bet you're sorry! Just wait until your father gets here!

Fisk: Ooh, she's mad at you.

Drew: *turns to Fisk* MAD DOESN'T BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!

Fisk: Yah! *flinches*

Drew: *puts a hand to her forehead* I just have one question. WHAT in the WORLD were you thinking?

Zak and Bex: We weren't. We're sorry Mom.

Drew: *sighs* Maybe you should go stay with your uncle for a while.

Zak: Again?

Bex: But why?

Drew: *gives Bex the Hairy Eye*

Bex: Oh, uh, right.

Doc: They are NOT going to Doyle's. *walks up*

Drew: So what are we supposed to do with them?

Doc: I have a plan.

Zak and Bex: *look at each other* Uh oh...

~Later~

Zak: Are we-

Doc: No.

Bex: How much longer-

Drew: No.

Fisk: Is it-

Drew: No.

Komodo: I didn't even do anything! Can't we just-

Doc: No.

Zak: But I have to-

Drew: We're stopping at the next rest stop. You both have three minutes each to go to the bathroom. No more.

Bex: Can we-

Doc: No.

Fisk: I'm hungry!

Doc: *throws a granola bar at Fisk, hitting him in the head*

Fisk: Oww. I'm not hungry anymore.

Komodo: *snickers*

Fisk: Why you little- *grabs at Komodo*

Doc: FISKERTON!

Fisk: *sits up straight* Yessir.

Zak: (whispering) This sucks!

Bex: (whispering) I know! It's even worse than I thought we'd get in trouble for saying Mom's magical swears!

Zak: (whispering) Seriously!

Doc: *reaches into the back with a flyswatter and starts swatting*

Bex: Akh! Hey! OW!

Zak: THIS IS CHILD ABUSE!

Doc: It's punishment for setting a building on fire! *keeps swatting them*

Drew: Doc, darling... I think you're enjoying this a bit too much...

Doc: Shut up. No I'm not. *keeps swatting Zak and Bex*

Bex: *laughs* Ha ha! Dad said -ow- shut up!

Zak: *laughs* That's -ow- hilarious- ow! WILL YOU QUIT SWATTING US!

Bex: *grabs the flyswatter*

Doc: That's mine, young lady.

Bex: *throws the flyswatter out the window* Now it's nobody's.

Doc: Oh, now you're in even more trouble.

Bex: At least ya can't swat me!

Drew: Don't do what I think you want to.

Doc: *scowls* Fine.


	68. Renaissance Unfair

Bex: WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US?

Zak: IT SMELLS LIKE FEET OUT HERE.

Drew: Well, since you and Fiskerton are still being punished for the Shaving Cream Adventure-

Zak: (quietly) _Yess! You know it's good when they give it a name!_

Drew: -I decided we should go somewhere **I **want to go, because according to you i pick the worst side trips on the face of any planet.

Zak: Dang.

Bex: Not just THE planet, ANY planet?

Zak and Bex: Yeah, that about sums it up.

Doc: *facepalm*

Zak and Bex: What?

Drew: And the best part? It's educational!

Zak: WHAT?

Bex: Dad, don't let her do this to us!

Doc: *sighs* Where are we going, Drew?

Drew: The renaissance fair.

Zak: Dad... Please kill me...

Bex: Eeeeuhhhh... Heh heh heh..._ That's great Mom. _*turns to Fisk* Help...

Drew: Aw, come on. It won't be that bad! I got us costumes, there's food, it'll teach you history...

Doc: There's no history anywhere there! It's completely fictitious.

Bex: Wuh?

Doc: Fictional.

Bex: Gotcha.

Drew: Too bad. we're here. *parks the car* And I've got a challenge for you two. If you can speak Olde English for the WHOLE day, you're off the hook.

Bex: *gets a chest out of the trunk* Miranda's English or King Arthur's English?

Drew: Pre-Knights-of-the-Round-Table English.

Zak: *gestures grandly* Alas, my dearest sister, methinks our mother may have demons in her fair head.

Drew: That's the one. *smacks Zak upside the head*

Bex: *giggles*

Doc: *pinches the bridge of his nose*

Zak: You're both abusive. *rubs the back of his head*

Drew: Yeah, yeah. Costumes on, now.

~Ye Olde Shortly~

Bex: *wanders out* I hate my dress.

Zak: I feel like a nerd. *pulls at his shirt*

Doc: It's not that bad. I've kind of always wanted to do this.

Zak: Yeeeeahhhh...

Bex: Greeeeeeat...

Zak and Bex: Heh.

Doc: Just get into character before your mother comes back out.

Zak: Yes, Father.

Bex: YES, Father.

Doc: I could get used to that.

Drew: *comes out* Are we ready?

Zak and Bex: Yes.

Drew: Then let us go forth! *bows and lets everyone go in ahead of her*

Bex: Doth mine eyes deceive me? I believe I do see our beloved Uncle Doyle yonder! *points exaggeratedly*

Zak: Your eyes do not deceive you! It is him indeed!

Doyle: *wanders over* Ok, why in heck are Miniman and MiniDrew talking like King Arthur and why are you guys dressed like that?

Drew: 'Tis punishment.

Doc: Our children presume that fire is amusing.

Doyle: ...They lit something on fire and you brought them here? Sign me up.

Drew: You also wish to take part in it?

Doyle: *snickers* From the looks on their faces right now? YES.

Zak and Bex: *looking like they've been scarred for life*

Doc: Then by all means, *chuckles* join us!

Drew: But you must speak as we do.

Doyle: *bows grandly* As you wish, fair lady.

Zak: Mine eyes... They do bleed... *rubs his eyes*

Doyle: I shall return shortly, if you would be so kind as to wait.

Drew: *smiles* We shall not move.

Doyle: *leaves*

Bex: *buries her face in her hands* Why must more torture be added?

Drew: No self-pity here, child. Stand up straight.

Bex: *stands up straight* Yes Mother.

Doyle: *comes back* Behold, the triumphant returns!

Drew: *laughs* Behold my own brother, the town thief!

Bex: We behold you beholding it, Mother. May I ask for an escort to the theater?

Doyle: The town thief? That is an insult! Nay, **I **am a prison guard!

Doc: *crosses arms* Dost thee guard the inside of thine own cell?

Drew: *hugs Doc* How clever you are, my love! Come, let us cease our harming of each other. We have much to do.

Zak: Very well, sister, I shall escort you to the theater. *holds out his arm*

Bex: *takes Zak's arm* We must hurry, lest they follow.

Zak: Very well indeed! *he and Bex walk off*

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A/N:

Doyle: The town thief? That is an insult! Nay, I am a prison guard!

Doc: *crosses arms* Dost thee guard the inside of thine own cell?

RENAISSANCE BURN!


	69. Unrelevant Chapter

Alternate Ending: Chapters 10/11: "Stupid Sense"/"the Ghost of Who?"

**Last time, on **_**The Road Trip from Heck:**_

Doyle: Whoever talks next sleeps in the bathtub. Got it?

Kids: Got it.

Doyle: *turns back around and drives*

Zak, Fisk and Bex: *fist bump*

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Doc: There goes my stupid sense again.

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Bex: (moaning) Fiskerton... Your butt is in my face again.

Fisk: I can't move, it's Zak's turn to roll over.

Zak: WHY are we all in the bathtub again?

Bex: Because we all talked after Doyle said "The next one to talk sleeps in the bathtub, got it?"

Fisk: This sucks!

Zak: Just be glad we don't have out heads under the tap.

Bex: Yeah, but Fisk is pushing my face into the soap dish.

Fisk: Why would they put the soap dish so low down?

Zak: So you can reach it from the tub.

Doyle: *bangs on the wall* SHUT UP!

Bex: NIGHT UNCLE DOYLE! LOVE YOU TOO!

Zak: Messing with him?

Bex: Duh.

Fisk: I want Mom and Dad.

Zak: I'm freezing.

Bex: Come on, Komodo, share the shower curtain! You're such a hog.

Komodo: I am not! Reptiles need to be warm.

Fisk: (mockingly) "Reptiles need to be warm."

Zak and Bex: *snicker*

Shower head: *turns on*

Zak, Bex and Fisk: ACK! *coughing and spluttering*

van Rook: Hello kiddies! Eh... what are you doing here?

Zak, Bex and Fisk: !

~The Next Morning~

Doyle: WHY ARE YOU THREE IN MY BED?

Bex: Bathroom's haunted!

Fisk: I'm not in the bed! I'm under it!

Zak: I want Mom!

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~FIN~

A/N: This in no way means the story is over! Oh, my friends, far from it. (For starters, they haven't gotten to Busch Gardens yet.) I just have to get back into the habit of writing these things more than once every two months... Or so. Sorry guys.


	70. Movin' Right Along

**Zak: (menacingly) We're baaaack...**

**Bex: *snickers evilly***

_(Author's note: Any italicized words besides these are being sung by the character. The "Movin' Right Along" song does not belong to me. It's from a Muppet movie from the 70's.)_

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Doc: Drew, we're lost again.

Drew: Yeah, but it's such a nice day for a drive.

Doc: It's beautiful in the country out here. Too bad we're always on the highway.

Zak: *pops up in the back seat with a banjo and strums the opening to "Movin' Right Along"*

Drew: _Movin' right along in search of good times and good news._

Bex: Where in heck did you get a banjo?

Drew: _With good friends you can't lose._

Doc: _This could become a habit!_

Drew: _Opportunity knocks once, let's reach out and grab it._

Doc: _Together we'll nab it._

Fisk: _We'll hitchhike, bus or yellow cab it!_

Doc: Cab it?

All: _Movin' right along._

Zak: *strums banjo*

Bex: _Footloose and fancy free!_

Drew: _Getting there is half the fun-_

Doc: _-Come share it with me._

Kids: EW!

All: _Movin' right along!_

Zak: *strums banjo* _We'll learn to share the load._

Fisk: _We don't need a map to keep this show on the road._

Everybody Else: Yes we do.

~Later~

Doc: Ok Drew, can you turn left at the next fork in the road?

Drew: Roger. Left at the next fork. *turns left*

Fisk: *reading sign* You are now passing Jhonston, Kentucky- Home of the world's largest fork.

Doc: I don't believe that.

Zak: *strums banjo*

Drew: _Movin' right along, we've found a life on the highway._

Bex: _And your way and my way._

Doc: _So trust my navigation!_

Everybody Else: Yeah right.

Zak: _California here we come from high in the sky-lands._

Bex: _Palm trees and warm sands._

Drew: _Don't stab me, we just left Rhode Island!_

Doc: WHAT?

Drew: Nothing!

All: _Movin' right along._

Zak: *strums banjo*

Fisk: _Hey, LA, where've you gone?_

Doc: _Send someone to fetch us we're in Saskatchewan!_

Drew: Again?

All: _Movin' right along._

Zak: *strums banjo* _You take it; you know best._

Bex: _Hey, I've never seen the sun come up in the west._

Doc: Drew?

Drew: I'm turning, keep your shirt on.

~Later~

All: _Movin' right along, we're truly birds of a feather. We're in this together._

Doc: _And we know where we're going! _Right?

Kids: BUSCH GARDENS!

Drew: _Movie stars with flashy cars and life with the top down._

Doc: _We're storming the big town._

Zak: Yeah, storm is right. Should it be snowing?

Drew: No.

All: _Movin' right along._

Zak: *strums banjo*

Bex: _Footloose and fancy free!_

Doc: _You're ready for the big time._

Drew: _Is it ready for me?_

All: _Movin' right along. Movin' right along... Movin' right along. Movin' right along._

Zak: So, what was that about being lost again?

Bex: We're not going home, are we?

Drew: Yes, we're lost again.

Doc: Are you crazy? We're finding that stupid amusement park if it kills us.


	71. The Monkey Pit

Fisk: *sniffs* Eww...

Zak: The zoo? Really?

Bex: Did you finally run out of good side trip ideas?

Drew: Shut up and go look at the monkeys. *shoves Zak and Bex toward the monkey pit*

Doc: I hate it when they guess right.

Drew: (tiredly) Just be glad we didn't stop at the world's largest fork.

Fisk: *waves* Hey, look! They're feeding the monkeys! *points*

Zak and Bex: Cool! *run over*

Bex: Aw, man, it's not even interesting. They're just passing out bananas.

Zak: This is boring. *hangs over the side of the monkey pit and watches the zookeeper handing out bananas*

Bex: *hangs over the side of the monkey pit and watches Zak*

Fisk: Aren't you gonna stop him?

Bex: Why? Maybe he'll turn into Bananaman and make this interesting.

Fisk: ...You're right. *hangs over the side of the monkey pit* Awh, man! That mandrill just mooned us!

Bex: MY EYES! MY EYES! *claws the air*

Fisk: Hey, I was right. That one IS a male.

Bex: *holding her face* Oh by the powers Fiskerton...

Komodo: Hey Dad! Can I have a quarter for the vending machine that sells duck food?

Doc: Why?

Drew: He's hungry. Don't give it to him.

Fisk: *pokes Zak* Are you gonna move at all?

Zak: The last time I even SAW a banana I went Bananaman, but I'm not now. It's weird.

Fisk: Want me to climb in there and get you one?

Bex: Maybe you need to be drunk.

Zak: I wasn't drunk the first time, though.

Fisk: *rubs his chin* Hmm.

Doc: *pulling on Komodo* Get out of the vending machine!

Fisk: *snaps* Brainstorm!

Bex: What'cha got, bro?

Fisk: Call Uncle Doyle!

Bex: Genius!

Zak: I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Bex: What's the harm?

Fisk: Yea, if we break anything then Dad can just pay the zoo to have it fixed.

Bex: Heck, we could _buy_ the zoo. We're a billionaire's brats, remember?

Zak: Yeah, but-

Bex: *picks up the phone* Hi Uncle Doyle!

Zak: This is not going to end well.

Bex: Yeah, so, we're at the zoo, and Zak's not close enough the bananas in the monkey exhibit to go Bananaman or something stupid like that, and we were wondering if you could help us because Mom and Dad are too busy trying to get Komodo unstuck from a vending machine and we're bored out of our skulls.

Doyle: Um...Oh... Kay...

Fisk: She wants you to help Zak go Bananaman.

Doyle: *doesn't care* Just throw him in the monkey pit.

Bex: Fisk? Hammer throw!

Zak: Wait! No!

Fisk: *picks Zak up and throws him over the side of the monkey pit*

Zak: AAAAH! *lands in the pile of bananas* Dang it, guys! When I get out of here I'm gonna- OK, WHO TOOK THE CLAW?

Bex: *twirls the Claw, whistling innocently*

Zak: *grabs his head* Rrrrrrgh...

Fisk: It's working!

Bex: Thanks Uncle Doyle!

Doyle: *still doesn't care* Yeah. *yawns* Do you guys know how many time zones behind you I am?

Bex: (flatly) I don't even know what time zone we're IN.

Doyle: It's five in the morning here.

Bex and Fisk: Sorry.

Doyle: *tries to hang up*

Bex: Wait wait wait! Before you go, can you just do one teeny tiny thing more for me?

Doyle: Can it count as your birthday present?

Bex: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?

Doyle: Fine...

Bex: YAY! *whispers into the phone*

Doyle: Really?

Bex: *nods* Uh huh.

Doyle: *muttering something* Ok. But this counts as part of your birthday present. *points warningly*

Bex: Deal. Fisk?

Fisk: (fakely) Uncle Doyle, Zak's stuck in the monkey pit!

Doyle: (muttering) I'm gonna regret this. *raises his voice* Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! How'd he get in there?

Zak: *behind them* I think you mean "How did he get out?"

Bex: *jumps* OHMYGLOB! Are you trying to kill me?

Doyle: What's going on?

Zak: *smiles like a crazy person* Give me the Claw. Now.

Bex: *hands him the Claw*

Fisk: 0_0

Zak: COME, MONKEY MINIONS! BANANAMAN SHALL RULE THIS ZOO! *runs off with an army of monkeys pouring out of the monkey pit after him*

Doyle: ...I thought he was a good guy.

Fisk: Nice going, Bex.

Bex: How was I supposed to know that'd push him over the edge? *sighs* Come on, let's go find him...

Fisk: *follows her* At least it's interesting now!

Drew: Guys, what's going on? I just saw your brother run by with a bunch of monkeys after him!

Bex: Funny story.

Fisk: Yeah, you're gonna love it when we tell it to you later. Oh hey, you better hang up on Doyle. I think he fell back asleep.

Drew: You called Doyle?

Bex: Again, the funny story we'll tell you later. Which way did Zak go?

Drew: *points* That way, but I don't see what your uncle has anything to do with this-

Doc: AAH!

Fisk: Is that Dad wrestling a monkey?

Doc: Get it off me!

Drew: *tries to pull the monkey off Doc* You two go! I'll stay here with your dad and Komodo!

Komodo: *waves* Hey. My head's still stuck in the vending machine.

Bex: We saw.

Fisk: I'll go get some butter or something!

Komodo: Butter? All right!

Bex: Don't I get any backup on this?

Drew: Sorry, kiddo. We'll catch up when we can. *hits the monkey with a rolled up map of the zoo* Get off my husband, you filthy bug-eating little-

Bex: *runs off to find Zak*

Doc: GAH! GET HIM OFF!

Drew: I'm trying! Hold still!

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**To be continued...**


	72. Bananaman Takes Over

Zak: *viciously takes a bite of a banana* Pathetic traitors. They don't understand my complex banana-related issues. *a monkey taps him on the shoulder* Mh? Oh. Here. *gives the monkey the banana, then gets up and paces*  
Drew: *outside* Ok, everybody clear on the plan?  
Doc, Bex and Fisk: Yup.  
Drew: Ok, go!  
Bex: HEY YOU STUPID FURRY JERKS! COME GET ME! *waves arms*  
Monkeys: ...? ...! *stampede Bex*  
Bex: OW! Hey! Watch where you're grabbing! Get that banana out of my ear! OW! *cough cough* You smell gross!  
Drew: Doc, Fisk, go!  
Doc and Fisk: *run in*  
Zak: *snarls* You!  
Doc: *points a banana at Zak like a gun* Don't make me do it, Zak!  
Zak: But, Daddy.  
Fisk: He's gonna do it!  
Zak: Don't you love me?  
Bex: QUIT BITING ME!  
Drew: *swatting monkeys* FORE! *swats a monkey off Bex's face with a fallen branch*  
Doc: Son, I love you more than you understand. That's why I have to do this. *pretends to pull the trigger on the banana*  
Zak: *flinches back like he just took a bullet to the side*  
Fisk: I warned you!  
Zak: *falls back*  
Doc: *runs over and catches Zak*  
Zak: *pretending to die* Dad?  
Zoo Security Officers: *run in and point real guns at everybody*  
Drew: No! Get back! *swatting the monkeys* Don't get him started again!  
Officer: You haven't seen all the trouble he caused!  
Doc: We followed him here! We've seen everything!  
Officer: We're still getting the beavers out of the penguin exhibit and some of the giraffes are still missing! Your son is dangerous!  
Doc: Let us deal with him!  
Bex: MOM!  
Drew: Working on it! *swats monkeys away* Ugh!  
Zak: Dad...  
Doc: Zak?  
Zak: I was a hero.  
Doc: In your own deluded world, yes.  
Zak: *closes his eyes*  
Doc: Zak?  
Monkeys: ! *leave Bex alone*  
Drew: *helps Bex up* Can you walk?  
Bex: Barely. *winces* Ohh, man... This is gonna hurt tomorrow.  
Drew: *runs over to Doc and Zak* Is he ok?  
Doc: He's breathing, but it looks like he just... Fell asleep.  
Fisk: He's playing dead.  
Bex: *limps over*  
Officer: *points gun at everyone* Ok, hands up!  
Drew: For what?  
Doc: What did we do?  
Officer: You let that kid get high and trash our zoo!  
Bex: Um, he's actually not high, he's having a spaz attack... Ow.  
Officer: Same difference.  
~Later~  
Zak: *wakes up* Where are we?  
Drew: The holding cell at the zoo security office.  
Fisk: (whispering) Mom!  
Drew: What?  
Fisk: Ihavetogotothebathroom.  
Drew: Tell them, not me!  
Doc: Bex, hold still.  
Bex: (whining) But the antiseptic stings!  
Doc: Just five more bite marks.  
Bex: OW!  
Doc: Sorry.  
Officer: *shows Doyle to the cell*  
Doyle: *crosses his arms* Really?


	73. YouTube

Doc: What are you doing?

Zak: Watching videos on YouTube.

Doc: Where did you get a computer?

Bex: Same place he got that banjo a few days ago.

Doc: And your mother doesn't know about this.

Zak: Not that we know of.

Bex: Remember that time we were at that karaoke place and Beeman and Miranda sang "Shake Your Groove Thing?"

Doc: Yes...

Zak: Doyle got it off the security cameras and put it online.

Bex: From there we started watching kittens play in boxes-

Zak: -Then a wiener dog rode a skateboard-

Bex: -Then Spongebob drank a kelp shake while there was unfitting music in the background-

Zak: -And now we're arguing over wether to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks sing "Witch Doctor" or the Muppets sing "Kokomo."

Bex: The related video suggestions are WEIRD sometimes.

Doc: Move over. *sits between Zak and Bex*

Zak: Alvin and the Chipmunks or the Muppets?

Doc: There have to be more choices than that.

Bex: *points at the screen* Down the side there.

Doc: Is that Doyle?

Zak and Bex: Where?

Doc: In the Featured Video thumbnail!

Bex: DUDE!

Zak: That is Doyle!

Doc: It's called... "PEOPLE DANCE LIKE IDIOTS WHILE I PLAY VERY FITTING MUSIC AND TYPE YOUTUBE NOTES IN ALL CAPS." *clicks on it*

Zak: Turn the YouTube notes off. They're just gonna block the screen.

Bex: *points* That button.

Doc: *clicks the button*

Everybody: *sits and watches*

Zak: *tries not to laugh*

Bex: Oh by the powers... *snickers*

Doc: *laughs out loud*

Zak: The music fits! *laughing*

Doc: I might have to make an account just to favorite this! I haven't laughed so hard in weeks!

Bex: What's this song called?

Zak: I can't tell, it's just a bunch of mumbling.

Doc: That's why it fits.

Zak: Let me log on so we can comment.

Doc: Wait, you made an account?

Zak: We share one.

Bex: Yeah, but we had to log out when we heard you coming.

Doc: ...I'll let it slide.

Zak: Ok, what do you want to say? Something stupid about the number of people who disliked it?

Bex: There's no dislikes.

Zak: Crud.

Bex: Dad?

Doc: Just say how funny it is.

Bex: Wait. Doyle has an account, doesn't he?

Zak: Yeah, but this isn't him.

Bex: Must be one of his buddies.

Zak: Yeah.

Doc: How do you know it isn't him?

Zak: See that button there?

Doc: Yeah?

Zak: That's not Doyle's username.

Doc: How do you even know his username?

Bex: We asked.

Zak: He's big on the Internet.

Bex: Even though half his subscribers just think he's a lunatic.

Zak: He's a funny lunatic.

Bex: *nods* Uh huh.

Doc: So then, what's your username?

Bex: Can't tell you.

Zak: It would ruin the surprise. So what are we commenting?

Bex: Tell him it's our uncle!

Doc: Why would you do that?

Zak: For fun. They don't know our real names, anyway. We told it we were twenty years old and our names were Zeke and Becky.

Bex: It's not like anybody's gonna care, anyway.

Doc: What did you say to te other videos you watched?

Zak: On the cat videos we just said they were funny as heck.

Bex: And LOL a few times when we had nothing better to say.

Doc: LOL?

Zak: Laughing out loud.

Bex: I got it! We can say "ROTFLOL This is hilarious it's our uncle!"

Zak: And then "Go Doyle go!"

Bex: Yeah!

Doc: Is this how you decide how to comment on every video?

Zak: Pretty much, yeah. *types*

Doc: What does ROTFLOL mean?

Bex: Rolling on the floor laughing out loud.

Zak: That's what we thought you were gonna do.

Bex: *nods*

Zak: Hey, we got a reply already!

Bex: *reading* "Very funny guys. Stop watching this."

Doc: ...Favorite this.

Zak: Yes sir.


	74. Deleted Scene

**DELETED SCENE (This was going to come after chapter 68, but for some reason I never finished it.)**

Previously, on THE ROAD TRIP FROM HECK:

Bex: May I ask for an escort to the theater?

Doyle: The town thief? That is an insult! Nay, I am a prison guard!

Doc: *crosses arms* Dost thee guard the inside of thine own cell?

Drew: *hugs Doc* How clever you are, my love! Come, let us cease our harming of each other. We have much to do.

Zak: Very well, sister, I shall escort you to the theater. *holds out his arm*

Bex: *takes Zak's arm* We must hurry, lest they follow.

Zak: Very well indeed! *he and Bex walk off*

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Bex: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Zak: *pokes Bex* Hey, wake up.

Bex: Hm? *rubs eyes*

Zak: The show's over and Mom and Dad aren't around. We can stop talking medieval.

Bex: *sits up* Oh thank the powers. I HATE talking like that.

Zak: I've got an idea, though.

Bex: Does it involve talking medieval again?

Zak: Unfortunately, yes. But it also involves getting back at Mom and Dad.

Bex: Does it involve shaving cream?

Zak: No.

Bex: Could you already have told me what it is in the time I'm taking to ask you these questions?

Zak: Yup.

Bex: I'm listening.

Zak: Ok, so we're gonna need a cheese grater...

~Ye Olde Later~

Drew: *yawns* Well, we'd better go find the kids.

Doyle: What happened to your renaissance-speak?

Drew: Awh, Zak and Bex aren't here.

Doc: *stretches* We should be fine as long as they're not hiding around a corner, eavesdropping and waiting for us to break character.

Doyle: Good enough for me. I just wanna see 'em before I leave again.

Drew: Why don't you come with us? The kids always love having you along.

Doc: Drew...

Doyle: Nah, I gotta work. My apartment doesn't pay rent itself.

Bex: *hiding behind a post* (whispering) Zak, do we have to? This outfit makes my underwear ride up.

Zak: *blink* Ok, one, TMI. And two, are you going to let Mom and Dad get away with this?

Bex: ...No. Rgh. Fine. What am I supposed to do, tell them you're dying of the Plague?

Zak: That's a good idea, actually. But that wasn't the plan. We've gotta get these medieval weenies to crown Mom and Dad king and queen!

Bex: You mean we need to get them to crown Dad king and Mom queen.

Zak: I said that.

Bex: You said "crown Mom and Dad king and queen."

Zak: Same difference.

Bex: It's not the same thing if you don't want to see Dad in a princess dress, but whatever. *shrugs* If you've got some weird thing about seeing guys in dresses...

Zak: I think YOU'RE the one with the issue here.

Bex: How so?

Zak: *looks out at the reader* ... *facepalm*

Bex: ...

Zak: ...Anyway...

Bex: What?

Zak: Were you imagining Dad in a princess dress?

Bex: Let's just stop this here. I think we're both pretty messed up.

Zak: Deal.

Both: *imagining Doc on a princess dress* O.e

Bex: You know, Mom would look pretty cool in knight armor, though.

Zak: DUDE!

Bex: Sorry.

Drew: Hi there!

Zak and Bex: GAAH!

Drew: Spying on us, hmm?

Zak: No!

Bex: Absolutely not!

Drew: Yeah. You two just take your issues out to the car. We're leaving.

Bex: OH THANK THE POWERS!

Zak: I love you, Mom!

Drew: Yeah, yeah. Now hurry up. Make sure you say goodbye to your uncle.

Zak and Bex: GOODBYE TO YOUR UNCLE! *run off*

Doc: Really, Drew?

Drew: *points at him* SHUT UP.


	75. Filler

Bex: Zak, hurry up in the bathroom! I really have to go!

Doc: Does this seem backwards to you too?

Drew: ...No, why?

Doc: No reason.

Drew: Zak! You'd better let your sister in soon or we're leaving you behind!

Zak: Aw, come on! Really?

Bex: What do you have to be doing in there anyway? You don't wear makeup or do your hair!

Zak: I don't sing Jackson 5 songs in the shower, either!

Bex: I AM GOING TO COME IN THERE AND KILL YOU!

Doc: You sing in the shower?

Zak: I recorded her and put it on YouTube. It's got like a million hits already.

Drew: The Jackson 5?

Bex: *hammers on the door* When I get my hands on you-

Doc and Drew: How did you even know?

Zak: Have you heard how loud she sings?

Bex: I have to hear myself over the sound of the water running...

Zak: She woke me up last night screaming "I Want You Back."

Bex: Was not screaming!

Zak: You were too! You were using a bar of soap as a microphone too, weren't you? I bet you were!

Bex: Shut up, you creeper!

Zak: HAH!

Drew: Why would you record her singing in the shower?

Zak: Because that's why she always takes so long in the bathroom! She's gotta sing her whole life story to that brush she uses to wash her back every night.

Bex: I DO NOT!

Doc: This is getting a little weird.

Zak: SHE TOLD ME what she uses the brush for.

Doc: Ah.

Drew: Who would a 12-year-old be wanting back?

Bex: IT'S JUST A SONG.

Doc: What did they say about it on YouTube?

Zak: Don't know, haven't checked yet.

Bex: *crosses arms* 'S probably horrible quality and everything...

Zak: Serves you right.

Bex: I hate you.

Zak: You can kill me when I'm done in here.

Bex: Ooh...

Doc: *rattles the doorknob* Son, open up so your sister can go.

Zak: *tries to open the door*

Doc: This isn't funny anymore!

Zak: I'm not trying to be funny! The door won't open!

Drew: Here, let me try it. *rattles the doorknob* It's stuck!

Doc: Well, this is just great! Now we're going to lose ANOTHER day of travel that might have been the day we finally got on the right track!

Drew: Shut up and call my brother.

~Later~

Doyle: You know, I might just have to take you up on the offer to come along one of these days.

Drew: Less talk-y, more lock-pick-y.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Author's Note: This is kind of a filler chapter. No, Doyle's not actually going to come long with them, but I'm probably going to have him come in in some more chapters after this.

The only reason I wrote this was to tell you about a poll I made on my profile. I need help deciding on everybody's YouTube usernames. I'm going try to do another chapter about them on YouTube. (Obviously right now, Doyle doesn't know they watched that video of him dancing like an idiot.)


	76. Bex Books her Face

Zak: *sticks his head out from under a bed and looks around* Clear!

Bex: *army crawls out from under the bed beside him and starts typing on laptop* Man, hotel wifi sucks.

Zak: What are you doing?

Bex: Facebooking.

Zak: You can't be on Facebook! Mom and Dad are gonna find out and kill you!

Bex: *snorts* And they think I'M the goody-two-shoes? *more typing*

Zak: Hey-

Bex: Ooh! Hold that thought, Z. My friend just posted like fifty new photos of her new baby cousin. *typing* Look how precious he is!

Zak: If we're gonna be online, can't we even listen to stuff on YouTube?

Bex: *huge sigh* Fine, whiner. *still more typing* Here. *opens a new tab and starts a random video on YouTube, then clicks back into Facebook*

Zak: You know I hate Eye of the Tiger!

Bex: FINE! CHOOSE THE STUPID SONG!

Zak: *waves his arms* SSSSSsssSSssSssSH! Mom and Dad will hear you!

Bex: Are you positive nobody ever dropped you as a baby?

Zak: Says the girl who can't watch The Lion King.

Bex: Scar and Mufasa are brothers, Zak. BROTHERS. *shakes Zak*

Zak: ...Yeah. *types something*

Bex: What song is that?

Zak: Hold on. *clicks*

Bex: I didn't know you liked funk.

Zak: I'm just going through this video to get to the one I want.

Bex: OOH! OOH! 21 Guns!

Zak: NO GREEN DAY.

Bex: You suck.

Zak: *clicking* Ok, here. We can both live with this, right? *hands Bex the computer* You can go back to booking your face now.

Bex: Ring of Fire? Since when do you like Jhonny Cash?

Zak: Since it's the only thing I can find to listen to that wasn't sung by a computer. Do your thing.

Bex: *goes to click back into Facebook* Wait a second! *looks back at the YouTube tab* Come look at this.

Zak: Mm?

Bex: Didn't Doyle make this video?

Zak: It looks like one of his, but that's not his username.

Bex: ...Come to think of it, I didn't think I knew ANYBODY who liked Jhonny Cash...

Zak: Will you shut up about Jhonny freaking Cash?

Bex: No.

Zak: Urgh. *types* Look, I'm gonna send this guy a message and ask if it's Doyle, ok? I think he changed his username.

Bex: He changed it to "MisterSexyBuns?"

Zak: *pauses* Please never say that again.

Bex: *makes a face* Believe me, I won't.

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A/N: I'm not advertising for or against Green Day or Jhonny Cash here. It's just for comedic effect. Zak and Bex don't share my opinions on music.

Bex: Yes I do! You created me!

Me: Shut up. If I say you don't like someone, you don't.


	77. Dumbus Kissus Flagus

Warning: Contains underwear jokes.

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~In the car~

Zak: I can't believe you left the computer out for Mom to find.

Bex: How is it my fault? You told me they were out getting food.

Doc: Quiet back there. You're still being punished.

Fisk: For what?

Drew: For getting into flame war with Doyle on YouTube.

Zak and Bex: TheOrangeNinja strikes again! *high-five each other*

Doc and Drew: *roll eyes*

Fisk: Can we play a car game?

Zak: Are you really THAT bored?

Fisk: This one's fun!

Doc: Drew?

Drew: A flame war isn't bad enough that they can't play games.

Doc: But they're still restricted from TV for the rest of the trip for the computer?

Drew: Yep.

Doc: (quietly) Yess.

Zak: Ok, so what's the game?

Fik: It's called "I'm the President." I'll be the president of Dumbland and you three derps-

Komodo: AHEM.

Fisk: -Ok, you two derps and Komodo are my loyal guys who do everything I say.

Bex: ...Sounds cool. *shrugs*

Fisk: Great! Now find me the grossest thing in the car!

Zak: I'm NOT playing this.

Komodo: Zak's lucky socks!

Bex: Dad's lucky socks that haven't been washed since 1998!

Drew: I thought I told you to get rid of those!

Komodo: Perfect! *unzips Doc's suitcase*

Bex: *grabs the socks*

Fisk: *takes the socks from Bex* This shall be our flag! *unrolls the socks and throws one back in the suitcase* And in Dumbland, our motto is... DUMBUS KISSUS FLAGUS! *kisses the sock*

Komodo: DUMBUS KISSUS FLAGUS! *kisses the sock*

Bex: EEEEWWWWWWWW!

Zak: I bet I can kiss it for longer than you can.

Bex: On!

Zak and Bex: DUMBUS KISSUS FLAGUS! *kiss the sock*

~Five Minutes Later~

Drew: You four stop kissing that sock before you get sick!

Kids: *stop kissing the sock and collapse in their seats, wheezing*

Zak: I win.

Bex: I win more.

Fisk: I'm still the president.

Doc: I'm getting rid of those socks.

Drew: Why would you even DO something that dumb?

Zak: It's fun.

Fisk: Other than the nasty taste- bleah *wipes his tongue* -it's REALLY fun.

Doc: It's... Fun being dumb?

Bex: You've probably never tried it.

Zak: Yeah. You're smart and not fun.

Doc: Hey, I'm really fun! Drew, tell them how fun I am.

Drew: Yeah, I'm gonna agree with them on this one, darling.

Doc: Why did you marry me if I'm so boring?

Drew: Do we REALLY want to go there in front of the kids?

Zak, Bex and Fisk: *plugging their ears* LA LA LALA LA! NOT LIIIIIIISTENINGGG!

Komodo: No, really. Tell us.

Fisk: *shoves Komodo in a suitcase and zips it most of the way closed*

Drew: Thank you, Fiskerton.

Fisk: No problem.

Zak: Ok, how about this: We'll teach you how to be dumb, and you teach us how not to get in trouble.

Doc: We'll go first, that's easier.

Zak: Shoot.

Doc: Do what I tell you, or so help me you'll never do anything dumb gain, because you'll be dead!

Zak and Bex: *look at each other and gulp* Yes sir.

Drew: So, how DO you become dumb?

Bex: Usually you have to be born- or made, if you're me- with the dumbness. It's really hard to learn.

Drew: But you just said-

Zak: Pull over and we'll start the first of our patented five dumb lessons.

Doc: Patented?

Bex: Very dumb, Zak.

Zak: Dumb you.

Bex: Dumb.

Doc: ...Do you understand them?

Drew: *pulling over* Um, no. Why would you think I would?

Fisk: They're speaking dumb.

Doc: I got that.

Zak and Bex: Dumb!

Fisk: I can give you a cash course in speaking Dumb while you get off the highway so Zak and Bex can teach you to BE dumb.

Drew: Why not? It's not like this can get any dumber.

Doc: Famous last words.

Fisk: Ok, Zak?

Zak: Dumb?

Fisk: Dumb dumb dumb.

Bex: *facepalms* Dumb! Dumb dumb dumb dumb!

Doc: Are you getting ANY of this?

Drew: Smile and nod. It's how I survived our first year together.

Doc: *muttering angrily*

Fisk: Ok, so maybe you guys will never be fluent in Dumb like we are.

Zak: But just try a few words.

Drew: Really?

Bex: Come on. It's not that hard being dumb.

Doc: Fine. If I try, will you stop the dumb act?

Zak, Bex and Fisk: What act?

Doc: *sighs* Dumb dumb dumb.

Zak: *trying to hold in laughter*

Bex: Do you kiss Mom with that mouth?

Fisk: Language, mister!

Doc: *facepalm*

Fisk: ON TO LESSON TWO!

~Later dumbly on, in a field~

Fisk: Well, we've already showed you "I'm the President." Now you try it.

Drew: Oh no. There is NO WAY you're getting me to kiss a moldy sock.

Zak: It doesn't HAVE to be a moldy sock. The flag can be anything.

Bex: That's just the way you start the game, anyway. After that... Ehh... We've never gotten that far. But the rules say you can make your loyal derps do whatever you want!

Doc: Anything?

Zak, Bex and Fisk: Anything.

Doc: *raises hand* I'm the president!

Drew: What are you up to?

Zak, Bex and Fisk: *saluting Doc* YES, MR. PRESIDENT!

Doc: Find me the least scientific thing you can in your mother's suitcase!

Drew: That ISN'T my underwear.

Zak Bex and Fisk: YES, MR. PRESIDENT! *run off*

Doc: Was the underwear comment necessary?

Drew: YES.

Bex: This book!

Zak: These socks!

Fisk: What's this?

Zak and Bex: UGH!

Bex: *waving frantically* PUT IT BACK!

Zak: Do you want us to have to rate this chapter "T" because of you?

Fisk: *drops it*

Zak: Umm... THE LIST OF MAGICAL SWEAR WORDS!

Bex and Fisk: Yeah! *run with it back to Doc and Drew*

Zak, Bex and Fisk: The flag, Mr. President!

Doc: *skewers the paper on a stick and salutes it* DUMBUS KISSUS FLAGUS!

Zak, Bex and Fisk: *saluting* DUMBUS KISSUS FLAGUS!

Everybody but Drew: *kisses the flag*

Drew: I'm not doing that.

~Five Dumb Minutes Later~

Doc: Ok loyal derps, stop kissing the flag.

Zak, Bex and Fisk: Yes sir!

Doc: And now I can make you do whatever I want?

Zak, Bex and Fisk: Yes sir!

Doc: Bex, tell me Newton's third law of motion.

Bex: For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction!

Doc: Zak, recite the preamble to the Constitution backwards.

Zak: Um... America of States United... Uh... The for Constitution... This establish and- urm- ordain, do posterity our and... Duh... Ourselves to liberty of blessings *crosses his eyes* the secure and welfare general the promote... Er... Defense common the for provide...

Drew: *checks watch*

Zak: Tranquility domestic ensure, justice establish, union perfect more... Ah... A form to order... In states united the of people the we!

Doc, Drew and Bex: *clapping*

Bex: Woo!

Zak: *falls over backwards*

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Author's Note: I cheated. Thank you online encyclopedia! I have it memorized forwards though...

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Fisk: *checks Zak* He's still alive!

Doc: Your turn, Fiskerton.

Fisk: *gulp*

Doc: Put the flag up your nose.

Fisk: Oh. That's easy.

Drew: NO!

Doc: Would YOU rather take Fisk's turn?

Drew: *sighs* Yes, yes, fine. Just give me the paper.

Doc: *holding the flag away from her* Not until you do it, loyal derp.

Drew: Whatever. Fine. Fine. What is it?

Zak: *to Bex and Fisk* Dad passes the dumb test, Mom fails?

Bex and Fisk: Oh yeah.

Doc: Admit I'm smater than you.

Drew: What? Why?

Doc: Because I m and you know it.

Drew: You're certainly not acting like it.

Doc: I have an IQ higher than any other Secret Scientist except Beeman!

Bex: Yippee. *twirls finger in the air sarcastically*

Dc: I think I'm plenty smarter than you.

Drew: If you're so smart, then you can decide what kind of jewelry is going to make this one up to me. *grabs the flag and storms off*

Doc: Dumb it.

Zak, Bex and Fisk: Language!

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A/N: Ooh, Drew's mad now.

I stole this plot from an episode of _The Amazing World of Gumball._ Any chapter ideas from you reading (yes, you. I see you! Don't hide from me!) would be greatly appreciated.


	78. Zip and Fall

Drew: Worst. Side trip. Ever.

Doc: How is this a bad side trip?

Drew: Because I don't think we're even in America anymore!

Doc: We're in America!

Drew: Where are we, genius?

Doc: ...Florida. I think.

Zak: Hey, quit shoving!

Bex: Move over, I'm gonna fall off the edge!

Fisk: I think I'm too tall for this...

Drew: Ziplining? Really?

Doc: It seemed like a good idea BEFORE we got up here. Ok?

Drew: No.

Zak: Me first on this line!

Bex: No, me first!

Fisk: I'm climbing back to the car...

Drew: We can't FIND the car, that's why we're on this platform. If we had just kept following our guide, we'd be back on the road.

Doc: *swats a bug* Well, excuse me! I just thought we might want to do something intelligent today.

Bex: I thought the car was right there!

Zak: I don't even know where we are! Two ziplines ago the parking lot was right underneath us!

Drew: Nice going, Doc!

Doc: Shut up and zipline. *pushes Zak forward* Zak, you go first.

Fisk: Wait! That's too far! He's gonna-

Zak: *falls off the edge of the platform* Yaah!

Everybody Else: ZAK!

~Later, at the hospital~

Zak: *drinking a juice box*

Bex: Can I sign your cast?

Drew: I knew I should've stayed at the monastery.

Doc: *scowls*

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A/N: Chapter idea courtesy of Iceshadow911247.


	79. Hot Date: Part 1

Bex: *lying on her back on the bed* So how's your arm?

Zak: *lying on his back on the other bed* Better now, but I hope it heals before we get to Busch Gardens.

Bex: I can't believe Dad actually chose a cool side trip for once.

Zak: Yeah, but then he ruined it! What's with him and Mom?

Bex: I don't know and I don't like it. We gotta get them to stop arguing!

Zak: But how? Dad really made her mad that day we were teaching them how to be dumb...

Bex: She did say something about jewelery. Women like jewelery.

Zak: We should set them up on a date!

Bex: Whoa, no. Show down there hotshot.

Zak: What's the problem?

Bex: We can't do that! For starters, they won't let us near the money...

Zak: ...Doyle?

Bex: Doyle.

~Five Minutes Later~

Doyle: Seriously?

Zak: Yeah! They've been arguing for two days.

Bex: Dad pushed Zak off a zipline platform by accident, Uncle Doyle. It's serious.

Doyle: Fine. But then you have to stop calling me. Get it?

Zak and Bex: Got it.

Doyle: Good. Now LET ME SLEEP!

~The Next Morning~

Bex: *tapes a note to Doc's forehead, then sneaks out of the room*

Zak: Ready? Mom's already distracted.

Drew: *on the phone* Whoa, whoa, Doyle, slow down. You got bitten by a what? WHERE?

Bex: *snickers*

Zak: Don't laugh. He actually had to get bitten for it to work.

Bex: *poker face* ...Where?

Zak: He wouldn't tell me.

Drew: Why did they let you in there in the first place?

Bex: ... *picks up a pot and hits it with a spoon* DAD! Dad! Wake up!

Drew: Hey! Cut that out! *plugs one ear* No no, I'm still here. Ok, were you doing anything to it when it bit you?

Zak: Come on Dad! Let's get going! Come on!

Doc: Hrm? *wakes up and pulls the note off his forehead* What's this?

Bex: *reciting the note word for word as he reads it* "Good morning, darling. I'm sorry I couldn't wake you up myself but Doyle got bitten by a-"

Drew: Did it break the skin? ...Oh. *makes a face* Euh. Ok, I'll be right there.

Bex: "-And I have to go see him in the hospital. I'll meet you for dinner tonight, just us, at that fancy place we passed on the way into town. Kisses, Drew." And then there's a big kiss mark on the paper and I soaked it in her perfume.

Drew: *leaves*

Zak: Really? Mom doesn't usually wear perfume...

Bex: It's what women do when they write love notes. She told me she did the same thing on their honeymoon.

Zak: Eww!

Doc: *walks in* Where's your mother?

Zak: You just missed her. She went to see Doyle.

Bex: Something bit him somewhere.

Zak: It bit him HARD.

Bex: *nods* But she said to tell you that she wants to meet you for dinner tonight!

Doc: I know, she left a note.

Bex: (sarcastically, but trying to sound serious) Really?

Zak: You don't say.

Doc: *shows them the note*

Bex: Well that sounds fun.

Zak: Too much perfume! *fans the air, coughing*

Doc: But it doesn't make any sense. Last night she was still mad at me.

Zak: Maybe she got over it.

Bex: Maybe it's your anniversary and you forgot.

Doc: I'm a supergenius. I would never forget something as important as my anniversary!

Zak: What year was I born?

Doc: Shut up, that's what year.

Bex: You're abusive.

Doc: *folds up the note* Oh well. With your mother, it's better if I don't ask questions.

Zak and Bex: Ain't that the truth.


	80. Hot Date: Part 2: Operation Hot Date

Drew: ...And you have no idea why it bit you?

Doyle: How many times do I have to explain it to you? Who are you, Fisk?

Drew: Hey, no need to get snappy with me. I just wanna know how on Earth you managed to get a Tapire Luara to bite you on the butt and survived.

Doyle: I don't remember. They gave me so much painkiller I don't even know what my last name is anymore.

Drew: It's Blackwell.

Doyle: Thanks.

Drew: No problem. *phone vibrates* Hold that thought. Text from Doc.

Doyle: What thought?

Drew: *reading out loud* "Morning darling..." *mumbles something* "Meet you for dinner tonight at that fancy place we passed on the way into town..." AWW! "See you at five. Love Doc."

Doyle: (fakely) Gosh, sounds romantic.

Drew: *surrounded by floating pink hearts* I think I'm falling in love all over again.

Doyle: Bleah. *makes a face*

Drew: Jealous much?

Doyle: Am not.

Drew: Are too.

Doyle: Am not.

Drew: You're totally jealous!

Doyle: Shut up! Girls have cooties anyway.

Drew: *laughs* How old are you?

Doyle: Physically? Twentysome. Mentally? ...Nine... MAYBE...

Drew: Pretty big vocabulary for a nine-year-old.

Doyle: Never said I was regressing, I said I was as mature as a nine-year-old!

Drew: Why are we even talking about this?

Doyle: I don't know!

Drew: Shoot. Do I even have anything to wear to go out with Doc tonight?

Doyle: Probably not.

Drew: *kisses Doyle on the forehead* Gotta go, little brother. I need to shop.

Doyle: If you ever come back, can you bring me a candy bar and one of those stuffed animals they sell in the hospital store?

Drew: Sure. If I don't see you before they let you go home, please try not to let anymore cryptids bite you.

Doyle: No promises.

Drew: *standing in the doorway* Bye.

Doyle: Bye.

Drew: *leaves*

Doyle: (muttering) Zak and Bex owe me big time for this.

~Later, at a nearby mall~

Drew: How about this one?

Bex: No. Just no. I hate it and I'm positive Dad will too.

Drew: Really?

Bex: You want my opinion? Get the purple sparkly dress.

Drew: I guess, but this one is nice too...

Bex: *random gestures in the direction of the mirror* It's lemon yellow and barely covers your knees! You're going to dinner with your husband, Mom. Put some effort into it.

Drew: *turns to Bex and puts her hands on her hips* Since when did you become the Beeman of buying dresses?

Bex: *points at Drew* NOT COOL, MOM.

~At the same time, on the opposite end of the same mall~

Zak: No.

Doc: But I want a plaid tie.

Zak: You don't know what color dress Mom's wearing and Bex says it's important for women that their dates match them. Get the black one.

Doc: Zak, I think after being married to your mother for fourteen years I can-

Zak: Oh, so you DO remember that? But not the year I was born?

Doc: A lot happened that year!

Sales Guy: Yo, break up the World Yelling Federation over there! People are trying to do stuff!

Doc: So, black tie, white shirt?

Zak: Let's go with that. Mom won't be able to complain about that.

~Later~

Zak: *runs up behind Bex* Dad's here.

Bex: Operation Hot Date is a-go. Mom's in already.

Zak: Perfect. ...So what's Mom-

Bex: Purple sparkly ballgown.

Zak: Nice. Dad wanted a plaid tie.

Bex: *snorts* Yeah, THAT would've really gone down well.

Zak: That's what I said. Because you made this huge point about girls liking guys to match them and whatever, and he picked a brown plaid.

Bex: Eew!

Zak: How long do you think this is gonna take?

Bex: I don't know, how long were they gone on their last anniversary dinner?

Zak: ...We'd better go back to the hotel.

Bex: That long, huh?


	81. HotDate:Part3: They Almost Figure It Out

Zak: Zzz...

Bex: Zzz...

Fisk: *snoring*

Komodo: Zzz...

Doc: *carries Drew through the door*

Drew: *hiccups* That was so fun! I can't believe I was ever mad at you...

Doc: Are you positive you're sober?

Drew: *pinches Doc's face* You're so _cute _when you worry for no reason.

Doc: You're drunk. *puts Drew on the bed*

Drew: Awh, have some fun once in a while. Look, the kids are asleep. They're so cute when they're asleep!

Doc: So you're an affectionate drunk. *taking off his suit jacket*

Drew: What are you blathering about?

Doc: There's different kinds of drunk people. See, we already know that Zak is-

Drew: *smooshes her finger against Doc's lips* Ssh ssh ssh. Less talking. You don't even make sense when I'm NOT drinking. *falls back on the bed and burps*

Doc: *laughs out loud* Well, now I know where Zak gets it. *sits on the bed*

Drew: When I'm not so in love with you, I'm gonna kill you.

Doc: *pulls the note from his pants pocket* I got that note you left this morning.

Drew: What note?

Doc: This one. *shows her*

Drew: That's not my handwriting.

Doc: But it looks just like yours.

Drew: I don't make my S's like that. *points* See? ...Wait a minute! Then that wasn't you who texted me this morning when I was visiting Doyle!

Doc: I didn't text you at all today!

Drew: Who would go to the trouble of forging my signature on a note, keeping us apart all day, and making reservations at a fancy restaurant for nothing?

Doc: *sniffs the note* It even _smells _like you...

Drew: ...You know what I smell like?

Doc: 'Course I do. Jasmine and incense, even when you haven't burned a candle in months.

Drew: Aww! That's so romantic!

Doc: ...So what do I smell like?

Drew: Uh... right now? *pulls Doc down and sniffs his neck* Lab disinfectant, cologne, red wine and wet Lemurian.

Doc: That's, ah, that's great. Really great.

Drew: I don't care. It doesn't really matter what you smell like. I love you, Doc.

Doc: Why have you been acting the way you have, then?

Drew: You started it.

Doc: Did not.

Drew: Admit it! You totally started it!

Doc: TELL ME HOW I STARTED IT!

Drew: *grabs her ears* Oww! Not so loud! *sighs* You have to bring science into everything, that's how you started it.

Doc: Oh.

Zak: *mumbling*

Drew: See? See, see- now you're going to wake the kids up, and you ruined our nice romantic moment.

Doc: Um... How about this: If you remember any of this tomorrow, I'll buy you a necklace.

Drew: A pretty one? With diamonds?

Doc: (sarcastically) No, Drew. An _ugly _diamond necklace for the woman I've been married to for fourteen years.

Drew: *squeals* I love you!

Doc: I know.


	82. Hot Date: Part 4

Fisk: *banging a pot with a spoon*

Bex: *leaps onto the bed between Doc and Drew* GOOOOOOD MMMMMMMMORNING AAAAAAAMMMERICA! It's ten thirty AM and the rest of the world is already awake- and- moving!

Zak: Rise and whine, lovebirds!

Doc: *buries his face in the pillow* Urg... Did I forget your birthday or something?

Drew: (wailing) Make them stop! *pulls the blanket over her head*

Zak: What's wrong with Mom?

Doc: *sitting up and rubbing one eye* Hangover.

Bex: Should've guessed. You guys reek like wine.

Doc: *smells his pits*

Zak: Ugh! Have you ever heard of deodorant?

Fisk: Or SHOWERING?

Doc: GET OUT. *points*

Bex: Jeez. What'd we do?

Kids: *leave the room*

Doc: ...Meh. *goes back to sleep*


	83. Say Cheese!

Everybody: *walking down the street*

Drew: I can't believe you let me get drunk. I just can't believe you let me do that.

Doc: What was I supposed to do? I thought you'd kill me I cut you off after your third glass of wine.

Fisk: *snickers*

Drew: You still owe me a diamond necklace.

Doc: *swears* I thought you'd forget that.

Guy: Excuse me, sir?

Doc: Yes?

Guy: I couldn't help but notice you walking by my shop with your lovely family. I'm a photographer, you see. I'd love to take your picture.

Doc: Doing what?

Guy: Anything! Absolutely anything!

Doc: Drew?

Drew: Seems like a clever way to get us to buy pictures from him, if you ask me.

Doc: Well, it is your turn to pick the side trip-

Bex: No it's not!

Doc: It is now. And you WERE saying how we should get a family picture taken *lowers voice* while we're pretending to be normal.

Drew: True.

Zak: Aw, man! I hate getting family pictures taken.

Drew: Let's do it.

Bex and Fisk: THANKS, ZAK!

Zak: *facepalm*

~Later~

Bex: So what do you do in family pictures?

Guy: Anything. Kids, you get in front of that background there and pose.

Zak: How?

Guy: I don't know.

Doc: *cups his hands around his mouth* PRETEND YOU LOVE EACH OTHER.

Zak and Bex: DAAAD!

Guy: *laughs*

Assistant: Isn't it great to be with your family on this trip? You must love it.

Drew: Love it? LOVE IT?

Doc: Uh oh.

Drew: Somebody's always on somebody else's side of the seat, or has to go to the bathroom, or it hot or tired or cold or itchy or hungry or- or HE'S TOUCHING ME or or "can we stop for cheeseburgers?" or "you missed the exit!" and they JUST. DON'T. STOP.

Assistant: Eep!

Drew: I don't love it.

Doc: Welcome back. *puts his arm around Drew's shoulders*

Drew: Shut up.

Bex: *walking by* You totally missed it. He just made me and Zak do handstands against each other.

Doc: But neither of you can do handstands and Zak has a cast.

Zak: Up yours, laws of logic!

Bex: High five! *holds up her hand*

Zak: Broken arm.

Bex: Right.

Guy: Ok, now how about Mom and Dad? Sit here and smile pretty.

Doc: Actually, I have an idea for a pose.

Guy: Shoot.

Doc: Exactly.

Guy: ...?

Drew: I'll go get my sword! *runs off*

Guy: 0.0

Zak: Has she had the Firesword this whole time and not known?

Bex: *shrugs and mumbles something that sounds like "I don't know"* You've only mentioned the Claw once on this entire trip. I guess we just remember this stuff then we need it.

Zak: Yeah, but how'd she hide it from the guys at the police lot?

Bex: You REMEMBER that? That was, like, two YEARS ago! Get with it!

Zak: *facepalm*

~Later~

Drew: Pictures are back!

Everybody: Yay! *goes over to look*

Drew: Ok, they're on this disc. I just have to figure out where to put it in this computer I took from the kids...

Doc: On the side. Red button's the eject.

Bex: You can't figure out a civilian computer?

Zak: Heh.

Drew: *death glare*

Doc: *starts the slideshow*

Drew: Aww, suce a cute picture. Look at my three little ninjas!

Doc: I think you were scaring the photographer in this one.

Zak: He wasn't too happy about having a sword in his store.

Bex: Look at my face! Ha! I love this one!

Fisk: I look fuzzy.

Zak and Bex: You ARE fuzzy!

Fisk: Oh.

Drew: Wait, what's going on?

Doc: The computer's out of battery.

Drew: I thought I was charging it all night...

Zak: Hey, you confiscated the computer, not the charger cable.

Doc: Two more weeks without TV.


	84. Bedtime Story

Bex: Dad?

Doc: Yes?

Bex: I can't sleep.

Doc: What do you want me to do?

Bex: Tell me a story.

Doc: Um... Once upon a time the end. Can you sleep now?

Bex: DAAAD!

Doc: All right, all right. Just stop yelling, you'll wake your mother up.

Bex: Ok!

Doc: So, um, once upon a time, there was... A princess. And her name was... Uh...

Bex: Her name was Drew.

Doc: Why the heck not. So Princess Drew lived in the highest room in the tallest tower in the castle called... Hmm.

Bex: Everest. Castle Everest.

Doc: Yeah, that's the one. And she was guarded by this platoon of highly trained soldiers that could shoot fire from their hands, because they were wizards, right? And they had been hired to protect the princess at all costs.

Bex: Ooooooohh.

Doc: But then one day, a very handsome knight appeared in the castle!

Bex: *bouncing up and down* What was his name? What was his name?

Doc: The very handsome knight's name was Sir Solomon, the brave and wise.

Bex: *snickers*

Doc: Hey, he's not supposed to be me.

Bex: I didn't say anything.

Doc: Sir Solomon rode into the Castle Everest on his flying... Help me out here...

Bex: Flying Komodo dragon...

Doc: ...Ok, his flying Komodo Dragon, and he started beating up the soldiers that shot fire at him, because he knew that it was his destiny to marry the princess.

Bex: Was it really?

Doc: Bex, I'm a scientist. Do I really have to keep-

Bex: Finish the story, and there better be magic or I'm not going to sleep.

Doc: I'm blaming your mother for this.

Bex: AND? Did the brave and wise Sir Solomon survive his fight with the soldiers guarding Princess Drew?

Doc: Yes he did. He survived without a scratch or a burn on him. He fought all the way up to the highest room in the tallest tower, threw open the door... And Princess Drew said 'What took you so long?'

Bex: Oh no she dinnint.

Doc: Yes she did. Then Sir Solomon grabbed her and they ziplined out of the tower on a rope made of her bedsheets and got on his flying Komodo dragon and flew away.

Bex: And then?

Doc: They lived happily ever after. The-

Bex: That's not the end! Did they get married?

Doc: Yes they did. They got married and had five kids and adopted a fluffy cat.

Bex: YAY!

Doc: Except one day, something unthinkable happened.

Bex: Oh no!

Doc: It started out as a normal day. They were all on their boat- Princess Drew, Sir Solomon, and the kids, Zacharias, Bethany, Fredrick... Um, I need a name that starts with K-

Bex: Kevin.

Doc: And a girl's Z name.

Bex: Zora.

Doc: ...Zacharias, Bethany, Fredrick, Kevin and Zora, and the cat named Bob, were all on their boat, and then this giant sea monster appears out of nowhere! Princess Drew was about to shoot it, but she saw someone sitting on its back.

Bex: Who was it?

Doc: I'm getting there! The guy leaped off the back of the sea monster, landed on the deck of the ship and bowed. Sir Solomon said that they should throw him overboard, but the guy said 'Wait! I'm not gonna hurt you!'

Bex: And THEN what?

Doc: Then Princess Drew said 'Hey, he looks just like my dad!' and Sir Solomon passed out.

Bex: Why?

Doc: Because it was her long-lost brother.

Bex: And, and?

Doc: And THEN they lived happily ever after. The end.

Bex: WAIT.

Doc: WHAT.

Bex: Why doesn't Sir Solomon like Princess Drew's brother?

Doc: Because he just doesn't.

Bex: Is her brother a prince?

Doc: Yup.

Bex: What's his name?

Doc: D... Dimitri.

Bex: _Dimitri?_

Doc: Yup. His name is Prince Dimitri.

Bex: Worst bedtime story ever.

Doc: Well, maybe then you'll go to sleep before three AM tomorrow!

Drew: Ok, Princess Drew says this story is over.

Doyle: My name is _Dimitri?_

Bex: Exactly what I said.


	85. Story Wars

Zak and Bex: *turn to each other* You can't sleep either? ...I know, it sucks. But what are we supposed to do about it?

Bex: Dad's story last night sucked. We should tell our own bedtime story.

Zak: How old are you?

Bex: I'm still 12! But I never got any stories when I was little, remember?

Zak: *sighs* Fine. We'll both say a sentence until one of us falls asleep, ok?

Bex: Ok. You go first.

Zak: Once upon a time there was a guy named... Zacharias.

Bex: He could talk to animals and he had a twin sister named Bethany who couldn't but she was awesome anyway.

Zak: We're not twins.

Bex: Yeah, but they didn't have cloning back then.

Zak: ...Touche. So, they were the two oldest children of Sir Solomon and Princess Drew...

Bex: And Prince _Doyle's _favorite niece and nephew.

Zak: And they had a fluffy cat named Bob.

Bex: Bob the barbarian.

Zak: Bob the barbarian, the vicious cannibal cat!

Bex: *giggling* I love you.

Zak: Anything else about Bob?

Bex: Uh... He had inch-long fangs!

Zak: Epic. So, one day, Zacharias, Bethany, and Bob were walking in the forest.

Bex: They heard a cry for help and SPRANG into action!

Zak: Bethany drew a bow and arrows and Zacharias went to look what it was.

Bex: He had a hammer almost exactly like Thor's hammer!

Zak: It was a GIGANTIC LAKE MONSTER!

Bex: Save us, Powerpuff Girls!

Zak: Really? Tv references now?

Bex: Sorry. *ahem* 'Save us, oh brave heroes!' screamed the townspeople who lived by the lake.

Zak: 'Prepare to die, monster!' Zacharias yelled, throwing his war hammer at the monster's head.

Bex: It went right through the monster's head, sending guts flying everywhere!

Zak: Then Zacharias had to stand for five hours while the townspeople carved a statue of him.

Bex: Except they made is head way too big.

Zak: And Sir Solomon punished Bethany for staying out past curfew.

Bex: WHAT? Since when do Zacharias and Bethany have a curfew?

Zak: Since I said so, that's when. Bethany got lost in the forest and Sir Solomon had to come find her and he grounded her for a month.

Bex: Sir Solomon is a fathead.

Zak: THAT'S the best insult you can come up with?

Bex: The people making the statue of Zacharias made his head and his butt huge so he looked like a freak!

Zak: Oh yeah? Well Bethany got the plague!

Bex: Zacharias got smallpox!

Zak: Bob had to bite Bethany's arms off, and Sir Solomon made her change her name to Stumpy!

Bex: Oh yeah? Well Zacharias never got together with that girl he loved so much, and he died the day after Bethany got married, even with her stump arms!

Zak: Now that's playing dirty!

Bex: Too bad!

Zak: Princess Drew had to disown Stumpy Bethany because she married a guy from a hostile native tribe!

Drew: You wanna take this one, Sir Solomon?

Doc: Let them fight it out.

Bex: Bethany and the native guy were really happy and had eleven kids!

Zak: Then they got arrested for murdering Sir Solomon even though they didn't do it!

Bex: Zak Saturday, that is LOW.

Zak: I can go lower.

Bex: So who DID murder Sir Solomon, oh Almighty Zak?

Zak: Princess Drew!

Doc: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!

Zak and Bex: Yes sir.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A/N: I'm sick. That's my excuse for using the same idea two chapters in a row.


	86. What Now?

~In the car, just after getting on the highway~

Zak: Hey Dad? What's the plural of the word doofus?

Doc: I... Don't know.

Fisk: Doofus is a slang word, stupid. There is no plural!

Drew: Fiskerton!

Fisk: What?

Bex: *hangs over the back of Doc's seat* So if a blue tiger brings good luck, would a pink tiger bring bad luck?

Doc: I'd think most tigers bring bad luck.

Drew: Bex, sit down!

Zak: *leans up between the seats* How come spiders don't catch other spiders by accident?

Bex: If two trains leave from opposite ends of the country and one is going 200 miles an hour and the other is going 200 kilometers an hour, which will get to Cuba first?

Fisk: I think Zak and Bex are broken.

Doc and Drew: ...

Zak: How do blind people know they're blind?

Doc: Hey!

Bex: What do deaf people hear?

Zak: What are Twinkies made of?

Bex: _Why is Dr. Cheechoo's voice so high if he's a man?_

Drew: Maybe you're right, Fisk.

Zak: Do we have enough money to buy Canada?

Bex: How do we know we're all seeing the same colors?

Zak: If I plugged my mouth and nose really tight and then sneezed, would it go out my ears?

Doc: So what do you think we do about this?

Drew: No idea.

~Later~

Bex: How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a Tootsie Roll lollipop?

Zak: If you guys hadn't found the Kur stone, would I have died before I was born?

Drew: Zak! Don't ask that!

Bex: What happens when you put a poodle in the microwave?

Doc: You have a sick mind. Drew, pull over at this rest stop.

Drew: *pulls over*

Doc: *grabs Zak by the arm and manhandles him out of the car*

Zak: Is it possible to poke your brain when you pick your nose?

Fisk: Yep. That one's possible.

Everybody: *looks at Fisk* 0.0

Fisk: Don't ask.

drew: *pulls Bex out of the car* So what are we doing?

Doc: *throws Zak over his shoulder* I'm going to take a page out of MY father's discipline book. Hand me Bex.

Drew: *looks nervous, but lets Doc pick Bex up*

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A/N: Cliffhanger!

I was going to have Doc spank them, but I'm not sure. (That probably was how Doc's dad disciplined him until he was at least ten, because when Doc was a kid it was still ok.) What do you guys think he should do?


	87. Publicly Indecent

Zak: This... Is... Child abuse.

Bex: Just be glad YOUR underwear doesn't say anything across the butt.

Drew: This is REALLY how your father disciplined you?

Doc: *holding Bex's skirt and Zak's pants* Believe it or not, yes. Kids, get out here where we can see you.

Zak and Bex: NO.

Doc: I'll take more than your pants if you don't!

Zak and Bex: *shuffle into the open back-to-back, covering themselves up*

Drew: Your father had a weird idea of discipline.

Bex: So does ours.

Zak: Does your underwear seriously say "Princess" on the back?

Bex: Yours has little blue hearts on it. I'm not embarrassed.

Fisk: *laughs and points* Feelin' the breeze?

Zak: SHUT UP, FISKERTON!

Bex: Dad, how long to we have to do this?

Doc: Until I give you your pants.

Zak: How long's that gonna be?

Drew: By the powers, he's finally lost it.

Zak and Bex: MOM! Help us!

Drew: I can't do anything! Your dad's gone crazy!

Doc: I can assure you, I'm still sane. I'm just doing what I was raised with.

Drew: Whatever happened to spankings and groundings?

Doc: Do you really think that would work on these two?

Drew: Point taken, but this is humiliating!

Doc: That's the reason I did it!

Bex: WAIT. Were you looking at my butt?

Zak: No, you said there was something written on your underwear!

Bex: So you looked!

Zak: Hey, I never-

Bex: Mom, your son's a creeper!

Drew: Bex!

Bex: Zak DID it!

Drew: Both of you stop! You're causing even more of a scene!

Cop: Ma'am, sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to fine you for this...

Doc: For what?

Cop: Forced public indecency of minors.

Zak: Does this mean we can have our pants?

Cop: Give them their pants, sir.

Drew: And you're sleeping on the floor tonight.


	88. En Francais

A/N: Contains French. Translation at bottom.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Zak: Red car.

Fisk: Blue one.

Doc: *shakes head*

Drew: Something wrong, darling?

Doc: I just had the weirdest feeling of deja vu...

Zak: Are we off restriction yet?

Doc: According to the police, yes.

Drew: *snickers*

Fisk: Why aren't you talking, Bex?

Bex: *shrugs* Je ne sais pas. *gasps* Ce qui se passe? Je viens de parler français! (1)

Zak: Uh, sis?

Bex: Quoi?

Drew: She's speaking French.

Bex: (exasperatedly) J'ai juste dit que!

Doc: Drew, you're going to have to translate.

Drew: She said 'I just SAID that!'

Zak: But Bex doesn't speak French!

Drew: She does now! Fluently, too!

Bex: Pour de vrai!

Drew: That means 'For real.'

Doc and Zak: Ah.

Doc: Try speaking English now, Bex.

Bex: Ok. Je parle anglais maintenant! ...Cela n'a pas fonctionné!

Drew: 'Ok. I'm speaking English now. ...It didn't work!'

Doc: I got that.

Zak: So, you somehow spontaneously learned French since the last time I heard you talk?

Bex: Apparemment.

Drew: 'Apparently.'

Doc: We're going to have to stop and figure this one out.

Bex: Quoi? Pourquoi?

Drew: 'What? Why?'

Doc: Because THAT is giving me a headache.

~Le Later~

Doc: Stick out your tongue, Bex.

Bex: Aah. *sticks out her tongue*

Doc: And no translating this time.

Drew: Ok, but you're on your own if she says something dirty or insensitive.

Doc: MY daughter? I don't think so.

Zak: What am I, a tree stump?

Doc: You had your mushy moments when we were trying to stop you from taking over the world.

Bex: C'est vrai, mon frere. (2)

Drew: She said-

Doc: I don't want to know.

Bex: Ou bien vous faire? (3)

Doc: Quiet, you.

Bex: Votre haleine sent comme des oignons. (4)

Zak: That sounded insulting.

Drew: It was.

Doc: *looks Bex over* Well, she looks completely normal...

Bex: (sarcastically) Non, Sherlock, vraiment? Dis nous en plus. (5)

Drew: Don't you backsass your father in a language he can't understand!

Doc: Hey!

Zak and Bex: *laugh*

Drew: NOW do you want to know what she's saying?

Doc: Really? No.

Drew: I think I know a spell that can fix this. Hold on... *goes to get a book from her suitcase*

Zak: You're going to let her do that?

Doc: As much as I hate to admit defeat, there's no scientific way possible for this to have happened.

Bex: Graver!

Zak: Is that French for 'Burn?'

Bex: *nods*

Zak: Hey, I'm getting good at this. Now say 'Like a boss.'

Bex: Comme un patron.

Zak: Sweet. So do you still think in English?

Bex: Je pense ainsi. (6) Hmm... *makes a thinking face*

Zak: Oh wait, you couldn't tell me even if you did.

Bex: Ah oui.

Zak: Wait a second! You only started speaking French AFTER Dad said 'Deja vu' earlier! Maybe that had something to do with it!

Bex: Yeah!

Zak: Huh. Is that the same in French and English?

Bex: Apparemment.

Zak: And that means 'Apparently?'

Bex: *nods*

Zak: Dang, I'm good.

Drew: *comes back with the book* Ok, we might be able to- No, wait, we don't own this property so we can't light any fires... *flips a couple pages* This one is- Nope, nope, too poisonous... *flips a couple pages* How do you feel about leeches, Bex?

Bex: *backs away from Drew*

Drew: Ok, no leeches. *flips a couple pages* Well, we could do this one, but it would take a week...

Doc: Next.

Drew: *flips a couple pages* Here's a good one, but everybody involved in the spell has to take off everything but their underwear.

Doc: NO.

Zak: It says that?

Drew: Well, it actually says something else, but it's really outdated.

Doc: We are not doing that.

Drew: *flips a couple pages* Hmm... This doesn't look like a spell.

Zak: What is it?

Drew: It's... The recipie for creating the perfect little girl.

Bex: Vraiment? (7)

Drew: Uh huh. Look here: 'Two cups of sugar, two cups of spice, and a tablespoon of everything nice.'

Doc: And chemical X.

Zak: Doesn't that make the Powerpuff Girls?

Bex: Oui. *nods*

Drew: Wait, this might be able to help us! Doc, come with me. Zak, keep your brothers and sister out of trouble.

Zak: ...Ok...

Drew: *grabs Doc and runs off*

Bex: Alors. (8)

Zak: So.

Bex: Salut. (9)

Zak: Hi.

Bex: ...Pouvez-vous me comprenez? (10)

Zak: What?

Bex: *facepalm* Jamais l'esprit. (11)

Zak: Whatever you say.

Bex: *tilts her head to one side* Ai-je jamais vous ai dit comment votre menton est pointu? (12)

Zak: Do I really wanna know?

Bex: Euh... Peut-être. *holds her fingers about an inch apart* (13)

~Le Later-er~

Drew: *looks into a boiling pot* Do you think it's done?

Doc: How am I supposed to know? I'm not the guy who created the Powerpuff Girls.

Drew: But we're not trying to create the Powerpuff Girls!

Doc: I have no idea what you're trying to do!

Drew: Ok, so then we probably screwed this up royally.

Doc: Agreed.

Drew: You dump it; I'll start again. Did we use all the sugar?

~Le Later-than-that~

Doc: *clawing at a little pink slime monster attacking his face* GET IT OFF ME!

Drew: *hitting it with a spoon* I'm trying! I'm trying!

Slime Monster: Must destroy Powerpuff Girls!

Doc: OW! Hey! I've already lost one eye...

Drew: Urgh! *gets the spoon between Doc and the slime monster and pries it off* It's on the floor! Get the trash can!

Doc: *slams a trash can over the slime monster and sits on it* Too much X?

Drew: Too much X.

Slime Monster: POWERPUFF GIRLS!

Drew: *backing away slowly* So I'll call the Secret Scientists...

Doc: I'll stay here.

Drew: You do that.

~Le Later Again~

Drew: *coughing* How was I supposed to know that much spice would set off the smoke alarms?

Doc: *fanning the air in front of his face* I told you not to use Texas Pete hot sauce! *cough cough*

~Le More Later~

Doc: Drew?

Drew: What now?

Doc: *lifts up the spoon and the pot comes with it*

Drew: *slams her head against the wall* I *slam* hate *slam* this! *slam*

Doc: It's nothing to give yourself brain damage over!

Drew: Too bad. I think my damage is brained already.

Doc: ...?

Drew: Just messing with you.

~Yeah. More Time Passed.~

Drew: *puts her head in her hands* We've tried EVERYTHING, Doc! What do we do now?

Doc: Something that doesn't involve chemical X? *pulls a tooth out of his arm* Ow.

Drew: *helps him put a bandage on* I'm sorry you keep getting bitten, darling, but this was the only way I could find to help Bex.

Doc: Why don't they ever bite you?

Drew: I don't know! Even if I did know, I wouldn't want them to bite me.

Doc: *mumbles angrily*

~Elsewhere~

Zak: So, are you back to normal NOW?

Bex: NON! Avez-vous jamais enfermé? (14)

Zak: I still can't understand you!

Drew: *walks up* Ok, so my hunch took a little bit to get right, but I think we should be able to fix Bex.

Doc: We made something for you too, Zak.

Zak: Really?

Doc: *holds out a bottle with a tiny pink slime monster in it*

Zak: You are the best dad ever. *grabs the bottle*

Drew: Apparently you're forgiven for the underwear incident.

Doc: I'm just glad THAT one didn't have to get peeled off my face.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Translations:

(1) "What's going on? I just spoke French!"

(2) "It's true, my brother"

(3) "Or do you?"

(4) "Your breath smells like onions."

(5) "No, Sherlock, really? Tell us more."

(6) "I think so."

(7) "Really?"

(8) "So."

(9) "Hi."

(10) "Can you understand me?"

(11) "Never mind."

(12) "Have I ever told you how pointy your chin is?" (or something like that. I forget)

(13) "Maybe."

(14) "Do you ever shut up?"


	89. What's My Name Again?

Fisk: Bex is bowing gum bubbles!

Bex: *pops a bubble and pulls the gum out of her mouth* Hey Fisk?

Fisk: Yeah?

Bex: See this big, juicy, sticky wad of gum?

Fisk: Yeah...

Bex: One more word, and it goes straight into your fur.

Fisk: Yeep!

Bex: In a VERY uncomfortable place.

Fisk: MOM! She's threatening me!

Drew: BEX! Don't you make me use your full name!

Bex: You wouldn't dare!

Drew: Wanna try me? Keep talkin', Princess.

Zak: Who spit in your cereal this morning?

Bex: Shut up, you.

Fisk: Do you even have a full name?

Bex: What do you think Bex is short for?

Fisk: ...Beatrice?

Zak and Bex: *facepalm*

Fisk: Ok, how about a middle name? You got one of those?

Zak: I don't have a middle name.

Doc: I do.

Drew: You do?

Doc: Yup. It's Elija. It was my great-great-grandfather's first name.

Drew: Aw, that's so cool! Kids, that was your family history for the day.

Zak: Then how come you guys only gave me one name?

Drew: Because we couldn't find anything that sounded good with both _Zak _and _Saturday._

Bex: *pointing at herself* **I** got to pick my middle name.

Zak: WHAT? Since when do you even have one? When we met you, you only had one name!

Bex: Well too bad so sad. MY middle name is Eliza, so there.

Zak: *snickers* _Rebekka Eliza Saturday? _Kiss up to Dad much?

Fisk: Wuh oh.

Bex: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NEVER TO USE MY NAME?

Doc: Bex! Off!

Bex: *mutters angrily* So what about you, Mom?

Drew: Nope. Not that I remember, anyway.

Zak: I'm picking a middle name for myself!

Doc: Why?

Zak: Because I want one! ...Hey Mom, what was your dad's name?

Drew: Um... Donovan, I think...

Zak: Huh. That sounds cool.

Bex: How about Solomon?

Zak: Dad's name? Why?

Bex: Sounds cool. Is there a female version of Solomon?

Zak: I hope not.

Bex: *blushes*

Zak: Suckup.

Bex: Jerkface.

Zak: Baby.

Bex: Doofus.

Drew: Ok, break it up!

Everybody: ...

~Two Seconds Later~

Zak: Spoiled brat!

Bex: Brainless thug!

Zak: *pulling Bex's hair* Sissy whiner!

Bex: *punching Zak* Stubborn nimrod!

Zak: *puts Bex in a headlock* How's my armpit smell, _baby girl_?

Doc: Drew?

Drew: Finding an exit. I'll take Zak this time?

Bex: *struggling* You sleep with a unicorn!

Zak: YOU promised not to tell!

Bex: YOU took the doll Miranda gave me and never told me where you hid her!

Doc: Sounds good to me. What do you think is wrong this time?

Drew: The fact that they're related?

Doc: Good point.

Zak: Mom likes me more than you!

Bex: Dad likes ME better!

Doc: I'm going to need a new flyswatter.


	90. Up All Night And Day

Zak and Bex: *fall out of the car and roll on the ground, punching each other*

Drew: (tiredly) Yeah, yeah. Wrestle yourselves up to the hotel room.

Doc: We've raised a pair of martial arts champions!

Drew: What, you're surprised?

Doc: A little.

Zak: Hey! Ow!

Bex: Oof!

Drew: *opens the door and lets Zak and Bex roll past her*

Doc: Are you going to let them do that?

Drew: It's not like they're gonna kill each other in a hotel. We'll have them separated tomorrow anyway.

Doc: Oh sure, like the fact that we're in a hotel makes any difference.

Zak: I CAN STAY AWAKE LONGER THAN YOU CAN!

Bex: YOU WANNA PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS?

Zak: *slams fifty bucks onto the coffee table* This and a bag of gumballs to the last man standing. Loser pays for the candy.

Bex: Deal, sucker. *sits on the bed, crossing her arms and scowling at Zak* I stayed up once for four days!

Zak: *sits on the bed, crossing his arms and scowling at Bex* I'll believe that when heck freezes over.

Bex: Your mouth is moving, but all I hear is 'BLAH BLAH BLAH!'

Doc: Good night. *flicks off the lights*

Zak and Bex: I'm still awake.

~One Day Later~

Drew: Should we tell them their faces will stick like that?

Doc: I think they did already.

Zak: *eye twitches*

Drew: Is this really worth fifty bucks and a bag of gum?

Doc: Are you kidding? Gum is the currency of kids under sixteen.

Drew: Oh...

Bex: *twitch twitch*

Drew: But this is getting ridiculous. We're going to have to resort to something desparate.

Doc: What do we know that gets kids to fall asleep?

Drew: Hot chocolate?

Doc: Stories?

Drew: Fuzzy pajamas?

Doc: Warm milk?

Fisk: Sleeping pills?

Doc and Drew: Now THERE'S an idea!

~Later~

Drew: Hey, guys, you thirsty?

Zak: No.

Bex: ...

Drew: Here. *holds out two glasses*

Zak and Bex: *each take a glass and sip, watching each other over the rim*

Drew: Well?

Zak: *yawn* Thanks Mom...

Bex: *yawn* Yeah, thanks...

Doc: Three...

Drew: Two...

Doc and Drew: One.

Zak and Bex: *flop over backwards, snoring*

Drew: I wanna see what all this fuss is over gum. You want that fifty Zak coughed up?

Doc: With pleasure. *takes it*


	91. The Hazards of Digging to China

Bex: *looks in mirror* My face is peeling.

Zak: *takes off his shirt* My back is peeling. Hand me the back brush. *holds out his hand*

Bex: Turn around. *grabs the brush*

Zak: *turns around*

Bex: *starts scrubbing Zak's back*

Doc: *knocks on the doorframe* You know, your mother and I need to get ready for bed too- what are you doing?

Bex: Zak's back is peeling.

Doc: How did you get a sunburn?

Zak: You know when you and Mom were doing whatever it was you were doing earlier and left us here by ourselves?

Doc: That was a horrible idea in retrospect, but go on...

Zak: I had my shirt off the whole afternoon because we were trying to dig to China.

Doc: *chuckles* Did you get to China?

Bex: We brought you some tea, but Fisk dropped it when we were filling in the hole.

Doc: 0.0

Bex: Going through the center of the Earth is _murder_ on fair skin. *puts the brush on the counter and peels her cheek*

Doc: *leans out the door* Drew, your children need you.

Drew: Oh, so when they don't make sense they're my- Holy [bleep] Zak looks like a boiled lobster.

Zak: Sunburn.

Doc: Apparently he got it digging to China and back.

Drew: Interesting.

Zak and Bex: *guilty smiles* Heh...

Drew: *grabs Zak by the shoulder and looks at him* Couldn't you have told us this earlier?

Zak: It stopped hurting before you got home.

Drew: That doesn't matter! *slaps Bex's hand* Bex, stop peeling your face.

Bex: But I'm sunburned!

Drew: It doesn't matter if your face is falling the heck off! Peeling sunburn doesn't help, and it's disgusting! Leave it alone!

Zak: Let me go!

Drew: Uh uh. I'm your mother, it's my job to take care of you. *smiles evilly*

Zak and Bex: Wuh oh.

~Two Minutes Later~

Zak: This is evil.

Bex: Just be glad you're burned on your BACK.

Drew: FIRE IN THE HOLE! *sprays them with a hose*


	92. Ignoreathon

Doc: What's in the jar, kids?

Bex: Well, it's either a tiny fairy-

Zak: A microscopic bioluminesent cryptid-

Bex: A firefly-

Zak: Or an alien brain probe. It depends on which Secret Scientist you're talking to when.

Bex: I just think it's a firefly.

Zak: So do me and Fisk. Mom thinks it's a fairy.

Drew: I never said that!

Zak: We know you were thinking it!

Doc: *holds onto Drew* Hey, you know what would be fun? Let's all ignore each other today.

Bex: THAT'S no fun.

Zak: How about we make it a contest? It'd be fun then.

Bex: How'd you get on his side?

Zak: Think about it! If they ignore us all day, we can say whatever we want and they can't react!

Bex: I'm in! But we do it in teams. I can't ignore Zak the entire day. We have to play off each other to be funny.

Doc: Deal. Loser buys breakfast tomorrow; the contest is over at midnight.

Zak: You and Mom against me and Bex. We'll try to get one of you to react to something we do and you'll try to get one of us to react to something you do.

Bex: If you want to talk to someone on the other team, send it through Fisk.

Drew: First one to react loses.

Doc: THREETWOONEGO!

Everybody: ...So...

Doc: I'm getting in the car.

Drew: Yeah, isn't it time we got driving again?

~Later~

Zak: *leans up between the front seats* So I'm not wearing any underwear today.

Bex: I filled Mom's shampoo bottle with potato salad.

Zak: Is Quebec in Germany?

Bex: Did you know that the sunrise is actually caused by millions of teeny tiny fairies?

Drew: So did you hear about that new law that says everyone under eighteen has to eat broccoli at least once a week?

Doc: Did YOU know that they're raising the driving age to thirty?

Drew: Let's talk about all the times Zak ran around with no clothes on then he was a baby!

Zak: HEY BEX! They're renaming the planets!

Bex: I heard about that! They're called *snorting and hacking noises* and *makes a fart sound* now, right?

Zak: Yup!

Doc: You know, we should probably just turn around and go home. I mean, it's not like we're ever going to get there or anything.

Drew: You know what I like? Old music. From like before YOU were born.

Doc: Let's eat dinner at an old-people restaurant.

Bex: ARMPIT FART CONTEST!

Zak and Bex: *armpit farts*

Fisk: What is wrong with you people?

Drew: I've got an idea! Let's make out at the next stoplight!

Doc: Yeah!

Zak: Is the one-eyed-one-horned flying purple people eater a cryptid?

Bex: I want a puppy for my birthday!

Zak: Two plus two equals five!

Everybody: *quiet for a few seconds*

Doc: Well, this was pointless.

Zak: Tie?

Doc: Tie.

Drew: Let's never do this again.


	93. CENSOREDCENSOREDCENSORED

Zak: Ok, are you Beethoven?

Bex: Just because I chose an obscure composer the last time we played 20 questions doesn't mean I'n always gonna be someone musical!

Zak: *pinches the bridge of his nose* PLEASE tell me you didn't pick Miranda again.

Bex: Hey hey hey, last time you chose Crash Nebula.

Drew: I think it's time for a new car game.

Bex: Wanna hear my Bugs Bunny impression?

Doc: Really, I don't.

Bex: Nyeh... *pretends to bite carrot* What's up, Doc?

Doc: *poker face*

Drew: *LOL*

Zak: Like he hasn't heard THAT one before.

Bex: Ok wise guy, you do an impression then.

Zak: Sunglass me, Fisk.

Fisk: *hands Zak his sunglasses*

Zak: *turns around in his seat and does some stuff*

Bex: What're you doing?

Zak: *turns back around with his sunglasses on* That's none of your business, Snowcap.

Bex: 0.0

Doc: Excellent impression of Dr. Beeman, Zak!

Bex: WHAT DEMON FROM THE DEPTHS OF HECK CREATED THEE?

Drew: Well, gosh, darling, I sure don't feel like a demon; do you?

Doc: Nope.

Zak: *facepalm* She didn't mean like that...

Bex: Um... How exactly did Zak get created? I know it wasn't in a test tube, like I was...

Doc: Drew? You said you'd take this if we had a girl.

Drew: [bleep]

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The rest of this conversation has been censored due to the rating of this fic. Instead, please enjoy a lovely five minutes of Fiskerton eating shrimp.

Fisk: OH BOY! I love shrimp! *grabs bowl of shrimp*

Me: Slowly. One at a time.

Fisk: Fine.


	94. The Birthday Thing

Zak: You know what? It's almost Dad's birthday.

Bex: It is?

Zak: Earth to Bex. He's been whining about it all week.

Bex: Shut up.

Zak: I think we should get him a present.

Bex: Why not a party? Dad likes parties.

Zak: Don't you remember what happened when you went to Miranda's birthday party and her civilian parents were gonna be there and Mom had to wrestle you into your dress?

Bex: So. Dad. Birthday present. Right.

Zak: That's what I thought.

~One Trip to Wal-Mart Later~

Zak and Bex: ...

Drew: So, this is your father's birthday present.

Zak: It looked better on the box.

Bex: It came in a BOX?

Drew: *facepalm* Why did I know something like this was going to happen?

Zak: Hey, we only had eleven dollars!

Bex: And you won't let us call Doyle anymore! ...And he doesn't even really like Dad anyway so I guess he probably wouldn't have helped. Crud.

Drew: I'm returning this. *picks it up*

Bex: Mom no! It was the only thing we could find!

Zak: All the other stuff at the store was for guys who like fishing!

Bex: Or hunting!

Zak: Or football! Or other normal dad stuff! Dad doesn't like any of that!

Drew: *sighs and puts the present down* You're right, dang it. What do you want to do with it?

Zak: I guess we could try to fix it...

Bex: I have three dollars left, we could buy some superglue...

Drew: Screw superglue. I think I can melt it back together with the Firesword.

Zak: *points* Or maybe we could...

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A/N: I don't know, what would YOU get Doc for his birthday if you only had eleven dollars to spend and only Wal-Mart to spend it at?


	95. Everywhere but Zimbabwe

Drew: *slams door open and turns on lights* ZAK! BEX! WAKE UP!

Bex: *falls out of bed* Uh?

Zak: 'S goin' on?

Drew: No time! Car! Now! *shoves everybody out the door*

Doc: The police are surrounding us, Drew, what are you planning on doing?

Drew: *slams car door* HANG ON, DARLING! *floors it*

Everybody Else: *hanging on for dear life* GAAAAAAAH!

Cop: There they go! Move, move! *cop cars chase the Saturdays*

Doc: ARGH! *grabs his seatbelt* Why are they following us? We haven't done anything wrong!

Drew: That's what you think! *swerves*

Zak and Bex: *look at each other* Uh oh!

Drew: You bet it's "uh oh."

Doc: WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE [bleep] IS GOING ON HERE?

Drew: Ah, yeah, funny story. Your birthday present's illegal in every country in the world except Zimbabwe.

Doc: WHAT?

Cop: (through loudspeaker) PULL OVER!

Drew: EXTREMELY illegal.

Doc: *facepalm* Why did I know this was going to happen.

Zak: Dang, Wal-Mart'll sell anything.

Bex: You don't know the half of it, brother.

Drew: Now would be an awesome time to buckle up kids! *swerves into an alley*

Zak and Bex: AAH! *fall out of their seats*

Drew: Shoot! Blockade!

Doc: *points* Old box spring leaning against a Dumpster!

Drew: *ramps the car up onto the box spring and jumps the car over the cop cruisers, Dukes of Hazzard style*

Zak: WOOHOO! *fistpump*

Bex: I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!

Cop: (through loudspeaker) STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!

Doc: YOU WISH! FLOOR IT DREW!

Drew: *floors it*

Cops: *chasing them*

Saturdays: WOOHOO!

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A/N: Car chase idea from germanyusaman1997.


	96. Doc's Birthday

Doc: *wakes up and gets out of bed* It's my birthday. *looks around the room*

Zak: *coughs and rolls over*

Bex: *snores*

Doc: Nothing's on fire yet. Nothing exploded. Nobody's given me poisoned coffee. This is going to be great! *runs into the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror* I don't even look that much older! I can do whatever I want! My life isn't over! My future is open!

Drew: (from the next room) Your shirt's on backwards!

Doc: My shirt is on backwards. *fixes his shirt*

~Later~

Drew: So, darling, what do you want to do for your birthday?

Zak and Bex: *cross fingers* Please, please, please...

Doc: Well, I was thinking we could get a cake-

Zak: Cake, you say?

Bex: Enlighten us.

Doc: -And go eat at that restaurant they just finished about five miles from here.

Zak and Bex: *throw their hands up* NOO!

Drew: It doesn't involve dressing up, does it?

Doc: It might. Why?

Drew: Oh, no reason. *looks pointedly at Bex*

Bex: *poker face*

~Later~

Zak and Bex: *running along the display case at the bakery*

Bex: OOH! Let's get this one!

Zak: This cake has SpiderMan on it!

Doc: Which SpiderMan?

Zak: The one that got bitten by the radioactive spider.

Doc: Not Munya?

Zak: (blankly) No Dad, not Munya.

Drew: *takes Doc's arm* Darling...

Doc: *looks at the display case* Right.

Bex: *backs away from the display case slowly* Oh... My... Goodness.

Zak: Huh? *runs over*

Bex: I just found the thing that's going to kill me.

Zak: *waves his hands around in the air* Dude! That's the biggest cake I've ever seen!

Drew: And the most expensive one in the store. We're on a road trip guys, let's try to keep it sane with the amount of cake we get.

Doc: I like this one. *points*

Everybody Else: *looks at it*

Zak: ...Mr. Fantastic's cool too. I'm ok with the Fantastic 4.

Drew: At least this one will fit in our car.

Bex: (rudely) Is it chocolate?

~Later~

Doc: *putting on his tie* Drew, Bex, we're going to be late!

Drew: One second! *tackles Bex* HA! Gotcha!

Bex: No!

Doc: What in the name of-

Drew: *wrestling with Bex* PUT THE DRESS ON!

Bex: NO!

Doc: ...

Zak: *walks by with a piece of cake* Happy birthday, Dad.

Doc: *sigh...*

~Five Band-Aids and a Bag of Ice Later, at the Restaruant~

Bex: *glowering at Drew*

Drew: *takes the ice off her lip* Cut your eyesh at me all you want! You're shill in trouble.

Zak: I didn't know you had a lisp, Mom.

Drew: I don't! *winces*

Doc: (proudly) Bex gets her right hook from me.

Drew: * points warningly* Cram it, birthday boy. *puts the ice back*

Bex: *snickers*

Doc: Do I still get my present that's illegal everywhere but Zimbabwe?

Drew: I'd shay you'd get it after the cake, but Zak ate it all...

Zak: *gags*

Doc: When do I get it then?

Drew: You'll get it, you'll get it.

~Later~

Doc: Well, that was a complete waste.

Zak: I'm sorry I threw up, Dad.

Bex: I'm sorry I busted Mom's lip right before your birthday dinner. And for laughing when Zak threw up. *laughs behind her hand*

Drew: At leasht you're in a good mood now.

Doc: *groans and collapses face-first on the couch*

Zak: ...I'm gonna go change. Fisk, get him his present. Maybe that'll fix him.

Fisk: Roger! *drops the present on Doc's back*

Doc: *groans*

Bex: HOLY SHOOT, FISKERTON BROKE DAD!

Drew: *facepalm*

Doc: So now you want me to open it?

Bex: Well, yeah.

Zak: Wait for me! *runs back out* Now open it!

Doc: *sighs and opens the box* ...It's... A bottle. That's really-

Drew: Read the bottle, geniush.

Doc: *reads the bottle* Cologne?

Zak: Wal-Mart brand.

Bex: Cost nine dollars. Most expensive one they sell.

Zak: So strong it's only legal in Zimbabwe.

Doc: *smells the cologne* Whoof! I can see why. *pauses for a second* ...I love it.

Drew: Happy birthday, Doc.

Zak and Bex: Happy birthday, Dad.


	97. Robert

Zak: *sits on a log* I hate camping.

Drew: Well, it was either sleeping on the ground or suck in traffic, and traffic involves me staying up all night so suck it up. I didn't raise you to be a whiner.

Zak: *scowls*

Drew: Yeah, yeah. Go help your father and sister set up the tent. *points behind her*

Bex: AAH!

Doc: Hold still, Bex!

Bex: I'm trapped! Get it off me!

Doc: I'm _trying_, if you'd just stop thrashing so I could find the zipper-

Drew: On second thought, go help Fisk gather firewood.

Zak: Firewood. Right. *gets up*

~Later~

Drew: *sits by the fire* Tent's finally up.

Fisk: *snickers*

Bex: Shut up, you big hairball.

Doc: Bex.

Bex: 'S not MY fault you zipped me up in the tent!

Zak: *snickers*

Bex: *mumbling angrily*

Doc: You know, this reminds me of a summer camp I went to when I was Zak's age.

Zak: You went to summer camp?

Doc: Yup. Want to hear one of my favorite campfire stories?

Drew, Zak and Bex: Sure.

Doc: *puts another branch on the fire* What I'm about to tell you is a true story. *clears his throat and leans in*

Drew, Zak and Bex: *lean in*

Doc: Once, a long, long time ago, before anybody alive today had been born, there was a guy who built a house on THIS. *points violently at the ground* EXACT. *points violently at the ground* SPOT. *points violently at the ground* The guy's name was Robert, and he was building the house for his wife and his newborn son. But one day, when Robert was almost finished building the house, Robert's father-in-law came to him and told him his wife and son were killed by a serial killer. Robert was so devastated that he burned down the house and then burned the burned-up house again. He disappeared after that *leans in closer* _and they never found his body._

Zak and Bex: *hug each other*

Doc: Most people think Robert died in the woods, but the people that run this place know better. There's a reason you're not allowed to walk around at night.

Bex: W-why?

Doc: Because people have seen Robert.

Bex: *gasps*

Doc: And people who see Robert never get to see their families again. *drops a branch on the fire* OH MY LAND WHAT'S THAT IN THE BUSHES?

Zak and Bex: GAAH! *run screaming into the tent and hide in their sleeping bags*

Doc: *LOLOLOLOLOLOL*

Drew: Doc Saturday, that was mean.

Doc: Did you see the look on their faces? Ah, that's why I loved camp. *chuckles*

Drew: You're going to pay for that.

Doc: How?

Drew: Just you wait. When the sun rises, the kids are going to have their revenge.


	98. Revenge is a Dish Best Served Itchy

Zak: *digging through Doc's suitcase*

Bex: Hurry up, my arm's getting tired.

Zak: If we had waited until sunrise, you wouldn't have had to hold the flashlight!

Bex: You know Mom, we'll be leaving at sunrise!

Zak: Then quit complaining and hand me the itching powder.

Bex: *hands him the itching powder* This is gonna be so great...

Doc: *snores*

~Later~

Drew: *poking the fire* Where's your dad? He's usually the first one up.

Zak: Gee, I don't know Mom. Maybe Robert got him.

Bex: Maybe a bear ate him!

Drew: Don't get concerned or anything, Bex...

Bex: *whistles innocently*

Drew: I hope he gets up soon. If we don't drive today we'll be more than three weeks behind schedule.

Zak: ...You're still keeping track of that?

Drew: Maybe.

Doc: *comes out of the tent* Argh, this is why I hate camping! *scratching furiously*

Drew: What's wrong, darling?

Doc: What's wrong? What's wrong? I think I slept in a patch of poison ivy that's what's wrong! *tries to scratch his back*

Zak: *snorts*

Doc: I don't understand it! Last night I made sure I checked we weren't on top of any plants when we set up the tent-

Bex: Well, we weren't on top of any plants when it was just YOU working the tent...

Doc: -I swear to you! Agh, it itches like crazy!

Drew: Only this morning, you say? Did you happen to get dressed out of your suitcase? _Your suitcase that was in the tent with us all night?_

Doc: Yes, why?

Drew: *turns to Zak and Bex* 'Cause gosh, I could've sworn I heard somebody whispering about itching powder about an hour before sunrise this morning.

Zak and Bex: Heh. *smiling innocently*

Doc: *scratching his arm*_ I am going to skin you kids alive._

Bex: His idea!

Zak: Her idea!

Drew: Both of you are grounded! _...Again._

Doc: What about me?

Bex: Go jump in a lake.

Doc: EXCUSE ME?

Zak: It comes off in water. We wanted to get you back for the ghost story, not kill you.

Bex: Go jump in a lake!

Doc: *eye twitches*

Drew: *sighs* I'll go see if there's a place I can hook up a hose...

Doc: You have a five second head start.

Zak: Dad?

Doc: Four...

Bex: Run.

Doc: Three...

Bex: RUN MAN. RUN! *grabs Zak's hand and pulls him along*


	99. Quit Bugging Me!

Bex: Ok, truth or dare?

Zak: Dare.

Bex Eat a bug.

Zak: What? No way!

Bex: I thought boys like bugs!

Zak: Yeah I like bugs, but I wouldn't eat one!

Bex: So... You're chicken.

Zak: I am not.

Bex: Yeah you are.

Zak: I'm not chicken! I'm just using my chicken-out pass.

Bex: You used that when I told you to lick Fisk.

Drew: Ok, first of all, there are no bugs in this car, so Zak can't eat the bug anyway, and second, don't lick Fiskerton! That's disgusting!

Bex: It's not my fault he keeps choosing dare.

Zak: Only because the time I chose truth you asked me if I liked Wadi!

Bex: And?

Zak: *eye twitches* YOU ALWAYS CHOOSE TRUTH!

Bex: And you come up with the lamest truths possible, let me tell you.

Zak: I do not. This is a girls' game. *crosses arms*

Bex: It is not!

Doc: Hey, you know what's fun? The Quiet Game.

Zak and Bex: Nice try!

Drew: How about the Shut Up and Let Mom Drive Game?

Doc: Touche.

Zak and Bex: *cross arms*

~Later~

Zak: This... Is... So... Incredibly... Boring.

Bex: I swear to you, I just counted the same bunch of cows three times in a row.

Drew: Remind me whose idea the family road trip was again.

Doc: *hitting himself in the face with the atlas*


	100. You're Driving Me Crazy

Zak: *checks watch* Twelve hours. New record. *twists around in seat* Pay up, Fisk!

Bex: *grabs seatbelt* We're all gonna die. Mom's just gonna keep on driving until we all die and OH MAN I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD...

Doc: We'll stop at a truck stop or something, as soon as we see one to stop at. Right Drew?

Drew: *grunts*

Doc: Drew? *waves his hand in front of Drew's face*

Drew: Huh? *blink blink*

Zak: I think Dad should drive now.

Doc: I second that.

Bex: Please hurry up.

~Later~

Drew: Wow, darling, I'm surprised! Two hours without an accident!

Doc: Actually, I'm kind of surprised too.

Drew: I'm so proud of you! *hugs Doc's arm*

Zak: Can one of you please look for a rest stop before Bex explodes?

Doc: How bad does she have to go?

Bex: VERY VERY VERY BAD.

Doc: Drew? Map.

Drew: Right. *opens the glove box*

Doc: No, not there. Under the seat.

Drew: Why under the seat?

Doc: Because things in the glove compartment of this car have a nasty way of disappearing at night.

Drew: *unfolds the map* Smart. Ok, where are we?

Doc: *looks at the map* Well, we should be-

Zak: DAD LOOK OUT!

Fisk: INCOMING BILLBOARD!

Doc: Huh? AUGH! *swerves*

Drew: Eyes on the road!

Doc: You're the one who wanted me to look at the map!

Drew: Well, yeah, but- Turn! Turn!

Doc: *turns* Why, why?

Drew: You almost drove us into a field of cows!

Doc: COWS? How could we possibly have gotten so far out in the country that they have cows? I thought we just passed a billboard!

Bex: Maybe there's a new kind of soda they're marketing to cow farmers!

Drew: There's no such thing as a_ cow farmer._

Bex: Yeah there is!

Drew: Doc, tell your daughter-

Doc: Busy keeping my eyes on the road!

Zak: LOOK OUT!

~Later~

Everybody: *watching the car get towed away*

Cop: *looking at clipboard* Well, sir, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to revoke your license and give you a summons to traffic court. You're just too much of a menace to be driving. You're _lucky _if you get to sit in the driver's seat with the car off from this point on.

Drew: I knew this would happen sooner or later.

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A/N: We made it! Or I should say: YOU made it to chapter 100! Good for you, especially if you're reading this all at once.

Thank all of you so much for the encouragement to continue this fic. I literally couldn't have done it without you, because you guys have given me the ideas for so many chapters I'm too lazy to count them. (And if you have any more, we might go ANOTHER hundred chapters!)

I am going to be continuing this for as long as I can, but it'll probably be a while between updates.


	101. Just Beachy

Bex: *leaning out the window*

Doc: Bex, don't do that while we're driving!

Bex: But it smells so good!

Doc: What does?

Drew: * smelling the air* Is that salt water I smell?

Zak: *gasp* We must be near the coast! Mom, we _have_ to stop and go to the beach.

Drew: Well...

Bex: Please Mom please Mom please! I've never ever ever been to the real, actual beach! And don't mention Fiji! Fiji doesn't count!

Doc: No one mentioned Fiji but you, honey.

Drew: Oh, what the heck. We could all use a break.

Zak and Bex: YESS! * high-five*

Doc: Alright, but PLEASE try not to cause trouble.

Zak and Bex: We won't! *crossing their fingers behind their backs*

~Later~

Everybody: *walking along the boardwalk*

Drew: Wow, it's so beautiful here. You go to so many places and still...

Doc: Look! Ships in bottles!

Zak: OOH! *runs over to look*

Bex: The water's so clear I think I can see Kumari Kamdam!

Drew: Uh huh...

Bex: *leans over the railing* HI, ULRAJ!

Ulraj: *waves*

~Later~

Bex: *pokes Zak* Psst. Dad fell asleep on the beach blanket!

Zak: Awesome! Let's bury him in the sand!

Drew: What are you doing?

Zak: Dad fell asleep. Beach rules say we bury him.

Drew: *looks at Doc*

Doc: Zzzzz...

Drew: Ok, but don't cover his face.

Zak and Bex: Ok. *get buckets of sand*

Drew: *reading a book*

~Later~

Doc: *yawn*

Drew: Oh, you're awake.

Doc: What's going on?

Drew: Well, Zak and Bex are waveboarding-

Doc: They buried me, didn't they?

Drew: Not so much buried as piled sand on top of you, no. *turns a page*

Doc: *struggling* Um... Mind helping me up?

Drew: SSH. I'm just getting to the good part of my book.


	102. Doc Makes Fire

Doc: *trying to light a lighter*

Drew: Just let me use my sword to light it, the sun's not completely set yet so there's just enough light...

Doc: No. We're on a beach surrounded by normal people, and plus I want to use a lighter! It's not a campfire unless you use a lighter.

Bex: *shivering* C-come on, Dad. I'm f-freezing.

Zak: And I got marshmallows at the grocery store last time we stopped!

Bex: *rolls eyes*

Doc: Wait- Got it! *lights the fire* Now all we have to do is wait until it's almost dead and then we can make dinner.

Drew: Uh, why?

Doc: Have you not been paying attention? That's how you cook over a campfire.

Drew: So let me get this straight: We're in a city where we could easily go get some nice, hot food RIGHT NOW and you want us to pretend we're at a campsite in the middle of nowhere.

Doc: Well, when you put it that way...

Zak: *pointing* I saw a sandwich shop on the boardwalk.

Drew: I'll go get us dinner.

Zak: I'll go with you. Bex, hold the marshmallows. *stands up and throws the bag at Bex*

Bex: *shivering* W-whatever...

Doc: I'll stay here with Bex and the fire.

Drew: You do that.

Zak: Save the marshmallows for when we get back.

Doc: Go already!

Drew: Who spit in your coffee this morning? *leading Zak away*

Doc: *calling after her* I DON'T DRINK COFFEE AND YOU KNOW IT!

Bex: *facepalm*

Doc: What?

Bex: Nothing, Daddy. Nothing.

~Later~

Drew: We're back! There was a huge line and-

Zak: Where's Dad?

Drew: *looks at Bex*

Bex: What? He fell asleep again!


	103. Road Rage

Fisk: Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom-

Drew: You've been calling me for the past fifteen miles! How would you like it if I did that to you all day? Fisk! Fisk! Fisk! Fisk!

Doc: Calm down, Drew.

Zak: I think Mom has road rage.

Drew: I don't have road ra- *beeps the horn* HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE MERGING!

Doc: If I could, I'd make you let me drive.

Drew: And?

Doc: Since I can't, I'm doing this. *grabs the wheel* Get off the road before you kill us all.

Drew: Hey, hey, Grabby! Let go of the wheel!

Doc: If you don't get off the road I'll pull over for you.

Zak: Do what he says!

Bex: My life is flashing before my eyes!

Drew: *sighs* Fine. *pulling off the highway*

~Later~

Drew: I really don't see how getting frozen yogurt is going to get me *air quotes* un-road rage-ing.

Doc: But you like frozen yogurt!

Drew: No Doc. YOU like frozen yogurt.

Doc: You don't even like it when there's sprinkles in it?

Drew: No, darling.

Doc: Not even if your favorite children got it for you?

Drew: How far are you going to go with this?

Doc: I gave Zak and Bex twenty bucks and told them to go get us all yogurt.

Drew: Oh by the powers...

Doc: What? Somebody had to stay here with you!

Bex: OW! Fisk, knock it off!

Fisk: *grabbing at the yogurt* But you didn't get me any!

Zak: Then you can have some of Dad's. *holds it out* Here, it's melting down my arm.

Fisk: But it'll melt in my fur!

Bex: You should have told us to get you some then!

Fisk: Zak should've known!

Zak: Who do I look like, Charles Xavier? I'm Kur, not psychic!

Drew: Yup. I married a genius, all right.

Doc: Hey!

Drew: You're the one that told our 12-year-olds to get frozen yogurt on their own.


	104. Handle With Care, Contains 80's Music

A/N: Caution: Product may contain Rick roll.

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~Driving~

Bex: OH! Mom! Turn the radio up! I love this song!

Drew: Uh, honey, this is the 80's station. This came out WAY before you were born, there's no way-

Bex: I heard it online.

Doc: Nobody ever said it was a bad thing for her to like music from before her time. *turns it up* Hey, this is Rick Astley! I love Rick Astley music!

Zak: Said what now?

Bex: You know, the Rick roll song!

Zak: OHHHHH!

Bex: Here it comes!

Zak, Bex and Doc: NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP! NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN! NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU!

Drew: *facepalm*

Doc: Problem?

Drew: I HATE Rick Astley. Where did the kids even hear this song? *tapping the steering wheel like she's making a point* I made you get rid of all your old music when Zak was a baby.

Doc: THAT was what you were doing? I thought you said we needed more room in the attic!

Drew: *smiles innocently*

Doc: Never mind. Where did you two hear this?

Bex: It's a thing on YouTube.

Zak: You trick people into thinking they're going to hear something else but you're really playing this song in the video and then you yell HA HA YOU JUST GOT RICK ROLLED LOSER!

Everybody: ...

Doc: *looks in the rearview mirror*

Doc, Zak and Bex: *pointing at Drew* HA HA YOU JUST GOT RICK ROLLED LOSER!

Drew: I can't believe I'm related to you people.

Bex: Play it again.

Zak: I've heard it so many times I love it.

Bex: I know!

Doc: Isn't it great?


	105. Zak Is Sick

~The Next Morning~

Bex: *yawn*

Doc: *walking into the kitchen* Morning kids. *yawn*

Bex: Hey Dad.

Zak: *falls face-first into his plate*

Drew: *pulls Zak up by the collar of his shirt* Up and at 'em, Kiddo. Breakfast goes in your face, not on it.

Zak: *sticks out his tongue*

Bex: He looks like crap.

Drew: I don't care what he looks like, if he wants to go to the antique gas pump museum so dang bad, he'd better get his act together.

Fisk: That doesn't look like an act.

Drew: *snapping her fingers in Zak's face* Zak, baby, can you hear me? Time to wake up.

Zak: Ugh... I think I'm gonna barf...

Drew: Oh. *drops Zak back into his food* Well, you're excused from forced family bonding time for today.

Bex: WHAT? OH MY GOSH! I hate you! *crosses arms*

Doc: Problem?

Bex: Zak gets to stay here alone ALL DAY and be sick- WHICH I KNOW HE'S PROBABLY FAKING *poking Zak's head several times* while we're out listening to you say *makes a stupid face* 'Look, Drew! This gas pump still reads 45 cents a gallon! I'm boring!'

Doc: I never publicly announce that I'm boring.

Bex: So you're admitting it then.

Doc: Drew, tell your daughter I'm not boring.

Drew: 5th amendment. I have the right to remain silent.

Doc: So you're using your Miranda Rights to get out of an argument.

Bex: Miranda Rights?

Doc: I'll explain later.

Drew: Yes. That's exactly what I'm doing.

Doc: Well, I don't think that's fair... *continues talking even though Bex clearly isn't listening*

Bex: ...Zak, I KNOW you're faking... *poking Zak's head again*

Zak: (moaning) MOM...

Drew: *catches Bex's hand* Ok, he obviously needs to be left alone. I'm calling Doyle and we're getting HER out of here.

Doc: I second that thought.

Bex: *exasperated hand gestures* You are SO lucky! All you have to do is BARF and they let you stay home? Man, I hate you!

Doc: *picks Bex up and throws her over his shoulder* Yes, honey, we all know your life sucks.

Bex: Put me down.

Doc: No.

Drew: *on the phone* Hi Doyle. How soon can you get here?

~Later~

Drew: *pointing around the room* Ok, so there's a spare bucket and Zak's camped out on the couch. If he needs anything that's not already here, we'll be in town. Ok?

Doyle: Ok. You sure Miniman's not contagious?

Drew: (deadpan) Bex was poking his head and she's fine.

Doyle: Noted.

Doc: (from outside) DREW! SHE GOT OUT!

Drew: Aaaand there's Bex. Bye Doyle- *running off*

Doyle: Uh, bye.

Drew: *calling over her shoulder* -DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID!

Doyle: Well I love you too. *goes and leans over the back of the couch* 'Sup Miniman?

~Later~

Doyle: *puts his chin on his fist* Ok, so MarioKart made you dizzy, Justice League cartoons made your head hurt, you can't get off the couch or you'll ralph everywhere, you hate reading, and we don't have any board games. I don't know, Zak, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

Zak: It's not my fault I'm sick.

Doyle: Right; sure. *phone rings* Hey, I got a text from your mom. *opens it* ...Bex stuck the nozzles from two of the antique gas pumps in her ears so she wouldn't have to listen to your dad.

Zak: Yeah, that sounds like Bex.

Doyle: What, you aren't ticked off they went without you?

Zak: Right now, all I give a crap about is not barfing all over your shoes.

Doyle: So your mom sent a picture... *shows Zak his phone*

~Later~

Doyle: *sitting upside-down in a chair* Ok. It's 3:00. We've eaten everything your mom left us for lunch, plus some stuff she didn't want us to eat. We've played every word game I know and counted the cracks in the ceiling, and now we're watching Sesame Street.

Zak: The stuff you wanna watch gives me a headache.

Doyle: You're a wimp when you're sick.

Zak: Shut up.

Doc: *slamming the door open* And you just had to let her do it, didn't you?

Drew: *following him in, dragging Bex* Oh, don't you DARE blame me for this Solomon Saturday! She's as much your responsibility as mine, I will have you know, and I turn my back for FIVE MINUTES and it's OH NO, DREW'S THE BAD PARENT!

Doc: You were supposed to be watching her!

Drew: She's twelve, she shouldn't need watching!

Doc: *pointing in Bex's face* YOU ARE GROUNDED UNTIL YOU'RE FIFTY, YOUNG LADY!

Bex: It wasn't my fault! Some idiot dared me!

Doyle: ...

Zak: Doyle?

Doyle: Yeah?

Zak: Can you adopt me? PLEASE?


	106. Are You Smarter Than A Cheese Grater?

Bex: Hey Zak?

Zak: Yeah?

Bex: You still sick?

Zak: Yeah.

Bex: Well, Mom and Dad aren't letting me out of their sight again 'til I'm fifty, so it's your lucky day.

Zak: Oh dear gob...

Bex: Fisk and I are gonna put on a game show for you!

Zak: Mom! Please put me out of my misery!

Drew: Sorry baby! I promised your dad no more mercy killings!

~Five Minutes Later~

Bex: *hiding behind the tv* Hello America, and welcome to the very first live broadcast of *singing* ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A CHEESE GRATER?

Zak: *facepalm*

Bex: *holds out a sign that says "Applaud or die"*

Zak: *clapping*

Bex: *jumps out from behind the tv wearing a fake mustache and holding a spoon like a microphone* Thank you, thank you, you're too kind!

Zak: *stops clapping*

Bex: We've got a great show for you tonight folks, so let's welcome our first contestant- *points* FISKERTON SATURDAY COME ON DOWN!

Fisk: *comes out from behind the couch, waving*

Bex: *hops up on the coffee table and shoves the spoon in Fisk's face* So Fiskerton, you gonna win tonight?

Fisk: You'd better believe it!

Bex: Woohoo! Now let's meet our champion, the undefeated CHEESE GRATER! *holds up "Applaud or die" sign*

Zak: *clapping*

Bex: *holds the spoon up to the cheese grater* So cheese grater, what are your thoughts on world hunger? *pauses for two seconds* That's riveting. On to round one!

Zak: Round ONE?

Bex: *throws the spoon at him* Hey! No commentary from the peanut gallery!

Zak: OW!

~Later~

Bex: And now, our final question. *looks at a blank index card* If Tommy has 90 candy bars and he eats 50, what does Tommy have?

Fisk: 40 candy bars!

Bex: Ooh, I'm sorry, Fiskerton, but that's wrong AGAIN! And it's cheese grater with the correct answer for the win: Tommy has a sugar high! Now let's take a break for a short word from our sponsor and then we'll be back for round two. *hands Zak an iPod and presses play*

Zak: This a recording of Dad saying the word fudge.

Bex: Exactly. I said short word from our sponsor, Dad's our sponsor and fudge is a short word.

Zak: How is it... Never mind.

Bex: Make it seem like a real commercial break. You go to the bathroom or something, I'll be right back. *runs off* Hey Mom?

Zak: *falls slightly asleep*

~Five Minutes Later~

Bex: AAAAND we're back! *grabs the spoon and adjusts her mustache* And with a new contestant for round two!

Zak: *wakes up* Huh? Aw, man, I thought that was a bad dream.

Drew: This isn't fun for me either.

Bex: *shoves the spoon in Drew's face* So, uh... CONTESTANT TWO. Do you think you're gonna win?

Drew: Well, if that cheese grater's as smart as you say it is- Yes, Bex, I'm going to win!

Bex: Hey hey, don't get hostile. This is a family show.

Drew: You are so your father's child.

Bex: (not interested) ...Yeeeah. Round two! *grabs the blank index card*

Drew and Zak: *sigh*

Bex: What is the capital of Lousisana?

Drew: Oh, I know this! Baton Rouge!

Bex: Correct! Oh my goodness, the cheese grater got one wrong! Ok, Contestant Two, for extra points what does Baton Rouge mean in English?

Drew: Red Stick.

Bex: Um, correct, I think! Bonus points! *pointing at Drew multiple times*

Drew: Yup. Definitely Doc Saturday's daughter.

Doc: What was that about me?

Drew: Nothing, darling. I'm competing on Bex's game show against a cheese grater.

Bex: Second question! Capital of Nebraska!

Drew: Carson City.

Bex: Correct again! The tallest mountain in the world is-

Drew: Mount Everest.

Bex: And the countries on either side of Mount Everest are-

Drew: Tibet and Nepal.

Bex: England uses the what system of measurement?

Drew: Metric.

Bex: How about Canada?

Drew: They're metric too.

Bex: In China they think you're a vampire if your hair is the color-

Drew: Red.

Bex: If I have three hats and you give me two pears, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?

Drew: Purple, because elephants can't wear ballet slippers.

Bex: *jumping up and down* YOU GOT IT!

Doc: That's impressive. How'd you do that?

Drew: Years of practice.

Bex: Oh my gosh, that was amazing. *grabs Doc's arm* Dad, Dad, did you see that? First, I asked her the Capitol of Louisiana, and she said Baton Rouge, and that's right right? You should know because... *keeps talking even though Doc doesn't care*

Doc: Feel better, son?

Zak: If by better you mean tortured into wanting to get back on the road tomorrow, then yes.

Drew: Can we tie Bex to the roof rack?

Bex: The roof rack? Cool!

Doc: ...Now there's an idea.


	107. Hang Up

Zak: Does anyone else feel like they're about to die?

Drew: *talking on the phone* And so then Bex says that he told her to do it, which is a lie, and you know her, and then Doc finds out that she was in the same room as me when she did it which automatically makes it my fault because she's my daughter and not his. *listens* I know. And then he tells me that-

Doc and Bex: YES.

Doc: Drew.

Drew: Hold that thought darling. *presses a button on her phone* No no, I'm still here. What was that about your sister?

Doc: (warningly) Eyes on the road, Drew.

Drew: *waving him off* Cruise control is on, Doc, I'm fine! *listening to her phone* No go ahead Miranda. I can talk.

Bex: I wanna talk to Miranda!

Drew: Quiet back there! *mashing buttons on her phone* And so then we get home and Zak's been alone with Doyle for the past six hours while I've been trying to stop my husband from killing OUR daughter- What? No I am not driving! Where did you get that ide-

Everybody but Drew: RED LIGHT!

Drew: *screeches to a stop* There. See? *brushes her hair out of her eyes* Told you I was fine. *checks her phone* But Miranda hung up on me.

Doc: Miranda is really the least of your worries right now.


	108. Man Chairs

Zak: This is humiliating.

Doc: What is?

Zak: These chairs in the middle of the mall. It's like this is where you're supposed to sit if your mom goes shopping and you can't go in the store with her.

Doc: Actually, it's where you sit when your _wife _is shopping and you _don't want to _go in the store with her.

Zak: Oh.

Doc: It's called the man chair.

Zak: So why are Fisk and Komodo here?

Doc: It was too hot to leave them in the car. *looks over* Wait- where is Fiskerton?

Zak: Fisk's gone?

Fisk: *running up to them, waving his arms* Dad! Zak! Look what I got!

Zak: *raises eyebrow* A Buzz Lightyear backpack?

Doc: Where did you get that?

Fisk: Mom got it for me.

Doc: I told you to leave your mother and sister alone while they're shopping!

Zak: Why did you want a Buzz Lightyear backpack?

Fisk: So I can do this! *puts on the backpack and the wings pop out* Fuzz Lightyear of Star Command, reporting for duty!

Doc and Zak: *look a each other*

Zak: (disbelievingly) _Fuzz_ Lightyear.

Fisk: Get it?

Zak: Yes, Fisk, I get it.

Doc: Now I've REALLY seen everything.

Fisk: Oh come on, guys! It's so cool! Watch! *poses* TO INFINITY- AND BEYOND! *running in circles around Doc and Zak*

Zak: Fisk-

Doc: No no, let him go. I want to see how long he can keep this up.

Fisk: *plane noises*

~Later~

Fisk: *still running around Doc and Zak* Dananananananana **nananananananana** BAT-FISK!

Zak: *groaning*

Doc: Fiskerton!

Fisk: *stops running* Yessir.

Doc: Here's twenty bucks; go get yourself some lunch. I don't want to know you exist for the next half hour.

Fisk: All right! *runs off*


	109. Grand Theft Auto

Zak: *throwing a ball against the wall* Ok, it's official. I have never been this bored in my entire life.

Fisk: I hear you.

Bex: *lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling* Dude, it's totally my turn for the ball.

Zak: Is not.

Bex: *sits up and scowls* Is totally so! I gave Komodo my lunch so we could play with it while Mom and Dad went for groceries.

Zak: That's your fault, not mine. *throws the ball*

Fisk: Why'd they have to lock us in here, anyway? It's not like we're gonna do anything.

Bex: *turns to Fisk* Whoawhoawhoa! Hold up. They _locked us in?_

Fisk: I think so. How else would they get us to stay in here?_  
_

Zak: *the ball bounces off his head* Try the door, stupid!

Fisk: Why?

Zak and Bex: IT MIGHT NOT BE LOCKED!

Fisk: *goes to the door*

Bex: (impatient) _Well?_

Fisk: I'm doing it, I'm doing it! Jeez, keep your pants on.

Bex: I'm not even wearing any.

Zak and Fisk: ...

Bex: Skirt! *pulling on her skirt*

Zak and Fisk: Right.

Fisk: *trying the doorknob* ...Oh my gosh.

Zak and Bex: What, what?

Fisk: (reverently) It's open. *opens the door*

Zak and Bex: *run outside*

Bex: *smelling the air* Ah, the stink of freedom! *puts her hands on her hips and smiles at Zak* What should we do, brothers mine?

Zak: Something so awesome that Mom and Dad won't even think it was us.

Bex: You gotta give me a ballpark here, Z. *waving her hand around* What're we talking, petty shoplifting or bank robbery?

Zak: *looking over Bex's shoulder* More like grand theft auto.

Bex: *turns around* ...They left the car.

Zak and Bex: *smile evilly*

Fisk: Are you guys thinking what I think you're thinking?

Zak and Bex: Can't tell you.

Bex: If we told you, then we'd be thinking what you're thinking we're thinking because then we'd all be thinking the same thing.

Zak: But if what you're thinking we're thinking is of stealing the car, then we're TOTALLY thinking what you think we're thinking.

Fisk: I'm agreeing with what you're thinking that I'm thinking that you're thinking. And also, that's an awesome idea.

Bex: Yeah. Totally. *pulls out sunglasses* Zak. *points at Zak* You're driving. Put these on. Fisk. *points at Fisk* Get Komodo and see if the parental units left us any money, or better yet, somebody's spare keys. I'm gonna go see if Dad put any surprises in the car in case he knew we'd try to steal it.

Zak: *puts on the sunglasses* Good plan.

Bex: *starting to walk away*

Zak: Wait, can it be like a spy movie? I wanna have a code name and stuff.

Bex: *sigh* Fine. *points at Fisk* You're "Pinkeye," *points at Zak* you're "Glo Stik," Komodo's "Grass Stain" and I'm "Copypaste." Got it?

Zak: Why did you get to pick?

Bex: Because I'm the one who comes up with the clever code names around here! You remember that time we were playing paintball with Wadi and Ulraj?

Zak: You are NEVER gonna let that go, are you?

Bex: Uncle Doyle got me FIVE TIMES because you made Ulraj's code name "Aqualad." It was pathetic.

Zak: And "Glo Stik" is any better?

Bex: *grabs Zak's shirt and pulls him closer* It's because these people don't know your eyes glow. Now do you want to drive the car or am I going to have to run you over?

Zak: *gulp* Uh... I'll drive!

~Later~

Zak: *leaning out the car door* Uh, Bex... We have a problem.

Bex: *looks over the hood* What?

Zak: I can't reach the gas and brake.

Bex: Really? Dang, I didn't know we were that short... *slams the hood down* I'll see if there's something in the room we can use. Stay here and act like you're a midget.

Zak: ...How do you act like a midget?

Bex: I don't know! Just... Pretend you're dad's age but you're uber short, or that you have that disease that makes you look like a kid but you're actually fifty.

Zak: (unsure) Ok...

Bex: *runs off*

~Later~

Zak: *turning the steering wheel* Wow, I can't believe that worked.

Bex: *leaning on the dashboard* Yup! It's amazing what a pair of your dad's pants and some spare planks can do for you. Good thing there's a construction site right behind this place. Oh, by the way, you're now twenty-one and your name is Jack.

Zak: What's that for?

Bex: In case we get caught by somebody other than Mom and Dad! I'm your sister, Betsy. I'm fourteen.

Zak: What about Fisk, is he just gonna lay in the back and pretend to be a shag rug?

Bex: Good idea.

Fisk: Somebody's coming! *jumps in the car*

Bex: *jumps in* Go, go!

Zak: *stomps on the gas*

Fisk: Does he even know how to drive?

Bex: Let's find out! *points* Merge onto that road!

Zak: *swerving*

Bex: *grabbing the dashboard* THAT'S NOT HOW YOU MERGE!

Fisk: Redlight redlight REDLIGHT _REDLIGHT **RED LIGHT!**_

Zak: *slams on the brakes*

Cop: *knocks on the window*

Zak, Bex and Fisk: Crap.

Zak: *opens the window* Is there an officer, problem?

Bex: *facepalm*

Cop: Ok, you obviously either don't have a driver's liscence or you just got it, and if I was your teacher I wouldn't have passed you through driver's ed.

Zak: Um...

Cop: Don't have one, huh?

Zak: How could you tell?

Cop: Because I have three teenage sons. And from the looks of it, you're not even old enough to _shave_ yet, much less drive. *kicks the side of the car*

*the airbags go off*

Zak: Oh.

Cop: Please step out of the vehicle and put your hands behind your backs...

~Later~

Cop: *drags Zak and Bex in by their shirt collars*

Doc: *sigh* What was it this time?

Cop: Caught 'em driving your car.

Doc: Anybody hurt?

Drew: Not yet. *glares at Zak and Bex*

Zak ad Bex: *look at each other, then hide behind the cop*

Bex: Please take me to juvie.

Zak: I'll do community service. Just don't let her near me.

Cop: Have a nice day. *leaves*

Zak and Bex: WAIT! WAIT! NO! SOMEBODY HELP US!

Drew: GET BACK HERE!


	110. Your Horoscope for Today

Bex: Hey Mom!

Drew: What? *looks over*

Bex: Newspapers! The actual paper kind!

Drew: Bex, honey, we've seen newspapers at every rest stop we've stopped at since we started this trip. What is so important that you're just noticing these now?

Bex: *points* The horoscope section.

Drew: *crosses her arms* You know your dad will blow a gasket if you buy a newspaper just for the horoscopes.

Bex: *pays for the paper* Then I'll tell him I bought it for the story about the guy who survived the bear attack. *shakes the paper open and walks away reading*

Drew: *rolls eyes*

~Later~

Bex: Hey Dad! Wanna hear your horoscope?

Doc: Not particularly.

Zak: Cool, horoscopes. *looks over Bex's shoulder* What's ours?

Bex: "Someone you trust will betray you. Be suspicious of everyone."

Zak and Bex: ...*point in each other's faces* I'M WATCHING YOU!

Doc and Drew: *facepalm*

Fisk: What's mine?

Bex: When's your birthday?

Fisk: October, I think.

Bex: Uh, let's see. *running her finger down the page* "Be open to trying new things. Change is not bad. Lend your sister five dollars."

Fisk: HEY!

Zak: Nice try, Bex.

Bex: *laughing* I knew that wouldn't work!

Zak: *takes the newspaper* Dad's says "There is much travel in your future. Rely on your family for they are the only ones you can really trust. You are an extremely boring person."

Bex: HAHAHAHA! *shoves Zak*

Doc: That's not funny!

Drew: *laughing*

Doc: All right, give me that! *grabs the newspaper* Drew, yours says... *squints at the page* "Be wary of people you think you know. Red-haired people are especially bad news for you this week, double especially if their name starts with D. Horoscopes are stupid pop science."

Drew: Ok, _that's_ what's not funny.

Bex: Yeah Dad, were you even trying?

Zak: This is just for fun.

Doc: Things that make a mockery of everything I believe in are not fun!

Drew: I told you he'd do this.


End file.
